I just finished another dinner shift tonight - but this time was sooo much better! :) I didn't feel stressed or overwhelmed at all, but really enjoyed the time I had in the kitchen. I worked with girls this time, and they worked hard, and I got to talk with them and encourage them, too. Dinner was on time and everything worked out well. Hallelujah!
This past weekend we had room changes. The girls had to follow string that was strung all over the house to find their room. It looked crazy when it was all set-up. The day was long as we all moved everything - some girls were excited, and a few were upset, but its working out. Two new girls came this week - so we are now up to 14 Littles. One of them is in my room, and I have loved getting to know her this week. I did math homework with her yesterday for two hours and have enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with her. Now my room is full with 2 Bigs and 2 Littles. :)
Next week is Beyond Week here, where the girls are challenged to go beyond what we do normally. Some of the Bigs and Littles are going on a mission trip to El Paso, Texas. Oh how I miss Texas! The rest of us will stay back and do work projects in the community, and go up to a nearby camp for two days to help them there. It will be different only having half the girls here, but I am looking forward to serving alongside the Littles. Pray that God would do big things in the hearts of these girls and really draw them close to Him.
I have been sick this week, and spent most of yesterday resting. I am starting to feel better though. I am taking this weekend off to go to a women's conference in Memphis. I will get to spend time with my whole family there as well! I am excited. :) I have an 8 hour drive there tomorrow and Sunday coming back, so I am looking forward to that, too. I love driving!!! :)
I continue to feel more comfortable here. I feel more a part of the group here now. It was interesting coming into a group where 8 of the Bigs had already been here 4 months. It was hard being one of the "newbies," but I feel like we are not so new anymore. As new Littles come and time passes, we fit right in. And now that we are kitchen trained, most of our training is complete!
The Lord continues to work in my heart. I felt really broken earlier this week, but I am learning that the Lord is the only thing that can satisfy me. It has been a hard process of learning and being broken, but I am so grateful for it all. Sometimes I think I am crazy, but I am who the Lord made me to be and well...I probably am a little crazy. :)
All that to say, I know the Lord is faithful. Pray that He would continue to work here and that we could keep Him at the center of everything we do. I pray you are all blessed and coming to know Him more. Feel free to call me or write me. I would love to hear from you!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
perfect love drives out fear
Last night I hit the highest point of frustration in my time being here - my first observation shift in the kitchen! :) As Bigs, we are responsible for working in the kitchen. We are responsible for preparing breakfast everyday and cleaning up after, serving lunch and then cleaning, and then preparing dinner and cleaning the entire kitchen and dining hall. The kitchen is a large, industrial kitchen with a good size dining hall. I've been learning what all the responsibilities of the kitchen are over the past few weeks. The kitchen manager here works really hard and we have to meet government standards for everything. So the work in the kitchen is tedious and extensive. Last week I did breakfast all week with another Big, but it wasn't too bad - I actually really enjoyed it. Monday and Friday we have hot breakfast, and are in the kitchen by 6:30 am making food. We made bacon and eggs one morning, and then muffins. The other morning we get to the kitchen at 7:15 am to serve cold breakfast, like cereal, yogurt, bagels, etc. We have to count everything we serve and measure it, There is a lot to remember so I won't explain it all - its a complicated process. And then there is dinner...
Dinner involves 2 Big and 3 Littles each night. Last night was my first time, and the kitchen manager was there to help observe and coach us in what to do. We have to make dinner, clean/sanitize every surface, scrub, rinse and mop the entire floor, clean the bathrooms - everything needs to be spotless. At the same time, there are Littles who can help, but we have to watch them and make sure they do it right and just get to know them. I like hanging out with the Littles and don't mind cooking or cleaning, but I didn't know where anything was, have no flow of how to get everything done, I worked with guy Littles who I don't know very well, and the guy Big who worked with me was on his training shift, too. Needless to say, I felt overwhelmed. Dinner was 20 minutes late, the Littles weren't excited about working and I had to consequence one of them for using inappropriate language...it was stressful. I wanted to break down and cry, but I didn't somehow. Afterwards, the kitchen manager coached us, encouraged us in what we did and showed us where we went wrong. I got to the kitchen at 4:30 and left at 8:40...with my plate of dinner I didn't eat when we served cause I wasn't hungry from being stressed. I have another observation shift next week. Hopefully it will go better. I just need to be patient with myself as I learn it all and I think I will eventually enjoy it. I mean we can play music the whole time - and if I have good music - then whatever I am doing is usually good. :) I also remind myself of Colossians 3:23-24 - "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." I remember my mom putting that verse on our chore chart growing up - comes in great handy now. Thanks Mom! :)
We have rooms changes on Saturday. I am moving across the hall to a room with another Big and one Little. We have a new Little coming next Wednesday, and she could possibly be in our room, too. I think I would like that a lot, but we will see. Room changes could be a bit crazy and intense - I think some girls are going to be frustrated...but I know God has a purpose in it all - but I am worried about how some of the girls will respond. They know we are changing rooms, they just don't know who they are with yet. Change is hard, too, but I know the Lord works in it all.
As for my heart, I feel strengthened and renewed. However, I see areas of fear that hold me back. I have been learning how God desires me to be who He created me to be - to not hide parts of who I am because I am afraid of how people will respond. I have felt comfortable here, but I haven't fully been all that the Lord has made me to be. I have tried to contain my passion and depth, which I think needed to happen at first - the Lord has taught me a lot about myself and I think I needed that time to deepen my security in Him. I feel like I need to step up though and really allow Him to use me and all He has made me to be. I feel like I need to stop holding myself back and allow my heart to love deeply, to speak the truth and wisdom the Lord has given to me, and to freely be all I am in Christ. The Lord has created me to be deep, passionate, and loving. He has given me wisdom, discernment, and truth - which I need to speak.
I kinda feel like the Lord is calling me to be a leader. I am comfortable as a follower. I like to have someone to look up to who I try to be like and seek for what I am supposed to do and for feedback on how I am doing. I have been blessed by people the Lord has brought into my life to teach me and lead me towards Him, showing me more of who He is and how to be like Him. However, He has taken those away from me, and I am left with only Him to look at - which is how it should be. He has been teaching me how to look only to Him now to follow and to know how to be like Him. There are people here who I have been learning from, who speak truth and wisdom and encourage me. People reflect God, but it is only a poor reflection and so I need to look directly at Christ. I have been reading the gospels more lately and examining more of who Christ is and how He leads His disciples and interacts with people. It's been incredible...
And I think He wants me to step up and lead. I mean I am in LeadTime. Now is the time to lead right? But that scares me...and leaves me with so many questions and doubts. I think one struggle is having confidence and courage to do so - but He has faithfully been growing me in confidence in Him. And then I am afraid of becoming prideful in that - like who do I think I am that I can lead? There are Bigs that have been here for 6 months - I have been here 1 1/2 months. How am I qualified? What do I know? There is a lot of responsibility in being a leader - what if I lead people the wrong way or wrong direction? I think of Moses in this, and Jeremiah. Moses didn't understand God when He spoke that to Him, and Jeremiah questioned God when He told him to speak. But God used them in mighty ways to lead His people. The people didn't always respond well to them - which is another fear I have. Giving consequences to the girls is not fun. So far when I try to redirect them in inappropriate conversations, or correct them on something - they usually get frustrated and upset. But I know I need to seek the Lord and follow Him and be obedient. I have been placed in authority over them, which I need to embrace, but I also want to love them and let them know I care. I have been learning that discipline is a form of love if its done right, and I pray that the Lord will teach more how to love like He does. If He calls me to lead, He will provide what I need. So I pray for clarity, discernment, wisdom and boldness. Sometimes I feel like I have no clue what I am doing...but I just need to trust and follow Christ. I have been reflecting a lot on God's love, and it has been healing and freeing.
Thanks for reading my blog. I have been so encouraged by prayers, letters, phone calls, messages and texts from y'all. The Lord is faithful, and I know He has great things in store. I pray that you may be blessed wherever you are and know more of the Lord's deep love for you. May Christ be glorified in all things! Hallelujah and amen. :)
Dinner involves 2 Big and 3 Littles each night. Last night was my first time, and the kitchen manager was there to help observe and coach us in what to do. We have to make dinner, clean/sanitize every surface, scrub, rinse and mop the entire floor, clean the bathrooms - everything needs to be spotless. At the same time, there are Littles who can help, but we have to watch them and make sure they do it right and just get to know them. I like hanging out with the Littles and don't mind cooking or cleaning, but I didn't know where anything was, have no flow of how to get everything done, I worked with guy Littles who I don't know very well, and the guy Big who worked with me was on his training shift, too. Needless to say, I felt overwhelmed. Dinner was 20 minutes late, the Littles weren't excited about working and I had to consequence one of them for using inappropriate language...it was stressful. I wanted to break down and cry, but I didn't somehow. Afterwards, the kitchen manager coached us, encouraged us in what we did and showed us where we went wrong. I got to the kitchen at 4:30 and left at 8:40...with my plate of dinner I didn't eat when we served cause I wasn't hungry from being stressed. I have another observation shift next week. Hopefully it will go better. I just need to be patient with myself as I learn it all and I think I will eventually enjoy it. I mean we can play music the whole time - and if I have good music - then whatever I am doing is usually good. :) I also remind myself of Colossians 3:23-24 - "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." I remember my mom putting that verse on our chore chart growing up - comes in great handy now. Thanks Mom! :)
We have rooms changes on Saturday. I am moving across the hall to a room with another Big and one Little. We have a new Little coming next Wednesday, and she could possibly be in our room, too. I think I would like that a lot, but we will see. Room changes could be a bit crazy and intense - I think some girls are going to be frustrated...but I know God has a purpose in it all - but I am worried about how some of the girls will respond. They know we are changing rooms, they just don't know who they are with yet. Change is hard, too, but I know the Lord works in it all.
As for my heart, I feel strengthened and renewed. However, I see areas of fear that hold me back. I have been learning how God desires me to be who He created me to be - to not hide parts of who I am because I am afraid of how people will respond. I have felt comfortable here, but I haven't fully been all that the Lord has made me to be. I have tried to contain my passion and depth, which I think needed to happen at first - the Lord has taught me a lot about myself and I think I needed that time to deepen my security in Him. I feel like I need to step up though and really allow Him to use me and all He has made me to be. I feel like I need to stop holding myself back and allow my heart to love deeply, to speak the truth and wisdom the Lord has given to me, and to freely be all I am in Christ. The Lord has created me to be deep, passionate, and loving. He has given me wisdom, discernment, and truth - which I need to speak.
I kinda feel like the Lord is calling me to be a leader. I am comfortable as a follower. I like to have someone to look up to who I try to be like and seek for what I am supposed to do and for feedback on how I am doing. I have been blessed by people the Lord has brought into my life to teach me and lead me towards Him, showing me more of who He is and how to be like Him. However, He has taken those away from me, and I am left with only Him to look at - which is how it should be. He has been teaching me how to look only to Him now to follow and to know how to be like Him. There are people here who I have been learning from, who speak truth and wisdom and encourage me. People reflect God, but it is only a poor reflection and so I need to look directly at Christ. I have been reading the gospels more lately and examining more of who Christ is and how He leads His disciples and interacts with people. It's been incredible...
And I think He wants me to step up and lead. I mean I am in LeadTime. Now is the time to lead right? But that scares me...and leaves me with so many questions and doubts. I think one struggle is having confidence and courage to do so - but He has faithfully been growing me in confidence in Him. And then I am afraid of becoming prideful in that - like who do I think I am that I can lead? There are Bigs that have been here for 6 months - I have been here 1 1/2 months. How am I qualified? What do I know? There is a lot of responsibility in being a leader - what if I lead people the wrong way or wrong direction? I think of Moses in this, and Jeremiah. Moses didn't understand God when He spoke that to Him, and Jeremiah questioned God when He told him to speak. But God used them in mighty ways to lead His people. The people didn't always respond well to them - which is another fear I have. Giving consequences to the girls is not fun. So far when I try to redirect them in inappropriate conversations, or correct them on something - they usually get frustrated and upset. But I know I need to seek the Lord and follow Him and be obedient. I have been placed in authority over them, which I need to embrace, but I also want to love them and let them know I care. I have been learning that discipline is a form of love if its done right, and I pray that the Lord will teach more how to love like He does. If He calls me to lead, He will provide what I need. So I pray for clarity, discernment, wisdom and boldness. Sometimes I feel like I have no clue what I am doing...but I just need to trust and follow Christ. I have been reflecting a lot on God's love, and it has been healing and freeing.
Thanks for reading my blog. I have been so encouraged by prayers, letters, phone calls, messages and texts from y'all. The Lord is faithful, and I know He has great things in store. I pray that you may be blessed wherever you are and know more of the Lord's deep love for you. May Christ be glorified in all things! Hallelujah and amen. :)
There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear...
1 John 4:18
Sunday, February 7, 2010
the seed is settling and the roots begin to grow
I think I am starting to feel more comfortable here. This week has been really good for me. I had some great conversations with other Bigs, spent some sweet time with the Lord and feel like God has reconstructed my heart in a beautiful way. I talked about being broken a few weeks ago, and the Lord has been healing some of that brokenness to renew my strength, heart and mind. I feel ready to really begin investing deeper here in the relationships that have started to grow, and I think there will be great opportunities ahead to do that.
A new girl Little came on Friday, and we are getting another one tomorrow. That will bring us to 12 Littles for 11 Bigs! We will be outnumbered by Littles for the first time since I've been here. The guy's house is another story - they have always been outnumbered by Littles - with 5 Bigs to 14 Littles. I just think it will be good to have more Littles here so we can all spread out some. We are doing room changes next Saturday, which I am looking forward to. I think I will finally get to be in a room with Littles! :) I have enjoyed getting to know some of the girls here, but actually sharing a room with them will help that happen even more.
On Monday for class, we spent some time in prayer and also went through stations of the cross. There were 12 different stations to reflect on various aspects of what Christ experienced on the cross. It was an awesome time to spend with the Lord and truly reflect on what He has done. Lately, I feel like I have been coming to know more of the humanity of Christ. Different aspects of the cross talked about the relationship Jesus had with His mother, the way He needed help to carry His cross, and the shame He experienced in being crucified naked. Reflecting on all those things, I realized in more depth how Jesus was human and experienced the emotions of human relationships, needing help from others, and feeling exposed and vulnerable. It has drawn me closer to Him and been amazing. I have always desired connection and intimacy in human relationships, and I still do. But understanding the humanity of Christ has allowed Him to satisfy that desire and longing in beautiful ways. It has been so healing for my heart and truly freeing.
Its hard to explain all that God has done in my heart since I have been here, but I would say He has reconstructed it in a lot of ways. I am not who I was. God has continued to help me see truth to combat lies I have wrestled with for a long time. I have been humbled in so many ways. I have come to realize that I am not a good person. As the Lord has revealed to me more and more of the depths of my depravity, I realize that there is nothing good in me. However, the righteousness of Christ has been accredited to me because of the cross. He is the only thing beautiful in me. And I am learning how to let Him shine and allow myself to get out the way. I am made in the image of God and have the blessing of reflecting His image, but this is for the glory of His Name, not mine.
Sometimes I find myself tempted to compare myself to other Bigs. We are all so different, with different strengths, weaknesses, and spiritual gifts. When a Little wants to talk about what they're going through, its hard to not wish they wanted to talk to me about it. But the Lord is graciously teaching me about the body of Christ, that it is all about Him and how He wants to work for His purposes. I am coming to desire more and more that others simply know Christ, regardless of the role He chooses for me to play in that. I need to seek the Lord for what my role is, and no matter what, give Him all the glory. I have the freedom to simply be me, and He has a plan for me and how He wants to accomplish His purposes. Right now I am learning how to listen and discern what He wants for me. There are 10 other Bigs, and soon to be 12 Littles. It is hard to know where to really invest in those relationships. There are a few Bigs I feel closer to than others, and the same goes for Littles, but I want to know what the Lord wants in each of those relationships. I know He will be faithful to guide me, and I am learning how to be patient and to simply trust Him. This is an area I know He will continue to grow me in, but I feel like I am coming to love Him more each day, by His sweet grace.
This weekend has been delightful. It was Parent's Weekend for us as Bigs, so some of our parents came out for the weekend to see what we do and hang out. On Friday night we all had a delicious dinner, then enjoyed a talent show where some Bigs, Littles, and staff performed. Saturday morning we had parent tributes. As Bigs, we gave our parents a tribute - a slide show, video, or talked about what our parents mean to us and expressed our appreciation and love for all they have done. I wrote out a letter to my parents, which I read to them, but I got a little caught up at the beginning and couldn't read what I wrote through the tears coming from my eyes. :) But it was a good time of tears, laughter and love. Afterwards, my parents and I went to the Hallmark visitor center in Kansas City! Sometimes I make fun of greeting cards (probably because I would rather write my own) but I absolutely loved it! I watched Hallmark commercials for like 45 minutes - my parents and I stood there laughing and crying. It was an emotional day. Haha. I decided that I might go work for Hallmark someday - I mean if you have ever received a card from me you know I like to write...a lot. We each got a free card when we left! I might take my room there one day for fun. I left feeling very inspired and touched. Sending a card to someone to let them know you care really does make a difference, even if people think its sappy.
Afterwards we went to lunch and saw a movie. Then we went to their hotel for a couple hours to chill before heading to dinner and coming back to property. We had some great time together talking and just enjoying each other. Today we had a great breakfast in the dining hall, had a chapel service on property then I went to lunch with my parents before they left to fly home. I loved the time I got to spend with them. I am so grateful for who they are and all they have given me. It was a blessing to reflect on my parents and to be with them. I loved having them here with me - a little taste of home. I am who I am today because of who the Lord is in each of them. I love them so much.
So now we have another week ahead. I am waiting in expectation for what the Lord has planned. I am ready to go deeper here and really dig into what He is doing. There is a lot of pain, hurt and brokenness here, but Christ's love overcomes all of that, and I desperately want to see Him work and be glorified. Thank you for taking the time to read the ramblings of my heart. I am so grateful for each of you. You are dearly loved! Be blessed and keep fighting the good fight wherever the Lord has you.
A new girl Little came on Friday, and we are getting another one tomorrow. That will bring us to 12 Littles for 11 Bigs! We will be outnumbered by Littles for the first time since I've been here. The guy's house is another story - they have always been outnumbered by Littles - with 5 Bigs to 14 Littles. I just think it will be good to have more Littles here so we can all spread out some. We are doing room changes next Saturday, which I am looking forward to. I think I will finally get to be in a room with Littles! :) I have enjoyed getting to know some of the girls here, but actually sharing a room with them will help that happen even more.
On Monday for class, we spent some time in prayer and also went through stations of the cross. There were 12 different stations to reflect on various aspects of what Christ experienced on the cross. It was an awesome time to spend with the Lord and truly reflect on what He has done. Lately, I feel like I have been coming to know more of the humanity of Christ. Different aspects of the cross talked about the relationship Jesus had with His mother, the way He needed help to carry His cross, and the shame He experienced in being crucified naked. Reflecting on all those things, I realized in more depth how Jesus was human and experienced the emotions of human relationships, needing help from others, and feeling exposed and vulnerable. It has drawn me closer to Him and been amazing. I have always desired connection and intimacy in human relationships, and I still do. But understanding the humanity of Christ has allowed Him to satisfy that desire and longing in beautiful ways. It has been so healing for my heart and truly freeing.
Its hard to explain all that God has done in my heart since I have been here, but I would say He has reconstructed it in a lot of ways. I am not who I was. God has continued to help me see truth to combat lies I have wrestled with for a long time. I have been humbled in so many ways. I have come to realize that I am not a good person. As the Lord has revealed to me more and more of the depths of my depravity, I realize that there is nothing good in me. However, the righteousness of Christ has been accredited to me because of the cross. He is the only thing beautiful in me. And I am learning how to let Him shine and allow myself to get out the way. I am made in the image of God and have the blessing of reflecting His image, but this is for the glory of His Name, not mine.
Sometimes I find myself tempted to compare myself to other Bigs. We are all so different, with different strengths, weaknesses, and spiritual gifts. When a Little wants to talk about what they're going through, its hard to not wish they wanted to talk to me about it. But the Lord is graciously teaching me about the body of Christ, that it is all about Him and how He wants to work for His purposes. I am coming to desire more and more that others simply know Christ, regardless of the role He chooses for me to play in that. I need to seek the Lord for what my role is, and no matter what, give Him all the glory. I have the freedom to simply be me, and He has a plan for me and how He wants to accomplish His purposes. Right now I am learning how to listen and discern what He wants for me. There are 10 other Bigs, and soon to be 12 Littles. It is hard to know where to really invest in those relationships. There are a few Bigs I feel closer to than others, and the same goes for Littles, but I want to know what the Lord wants in each of those relationships. I know He will be faithful to guide me, and I am learning how to be patient and to simply trust Him. This is an area I know He will continue to grow me in, but I feel like I am coming to love Him more each day, by His sweet grace.
This weekend has been delightful. It was Parent's Weekend for us as Bigs, so some of our parents came out for the weekend to see what we do and hang out. On Friday night we all had a delicious dinner, then enjoyed a talent show where some Bigs, Littles, and staff performed. Saturday morning we had parent tributes. As Bigs, we gave our parents a tribute - a slide show, video, or talked about what our parents mean to us and expressed our appreciation and love for all they have done. I wrote out a letter to my parents, which I read to them, but I got a little caught up at the beginning and couldn't read what I wrote through the tears coming from my eyes. :) But it was a good time of tears, laughter and love. Afterwards, my parents and I went to the Hallmark visitor center in Kansas City! Sometimes I make fun of greeting cards (probably because I would rather write my own) but I absolutely loved it! I watched Hallmark commercials for like 45 minutes - my parents and I stood there laughing and crying. It was an emotional day. Haha. I decided that I might go work for Hallmark someday - I mean if you have ever received a card from me you know I like to write...a lot. We each got a free card when we left! I might take my room there one day for fun. I left feeling very inspired and touched. Sending a card to someone to let them know you care really does make a difference, even if people think its sappy.
Afterwards we went to lunch and saw a movie. Then we went to their hotel for a couple hours to chill before heading to dinner and coming back to property. We had some great time together talking and just enjoying each other. Today we had a great breakfast in the dining hall, had a chapel service on property then I went to lunch with my parents before they left to fly home. I loved the time I got to spend with them. I am so grateful for who they are and all they have given me. It was a blessing to reflect on my parents and to be with them. I loved having them here with me - a little taste of home. I am who I am today because of who the Lord is in each of them. I love them so much.
So now we have another week ahead. I am waiting in expectation for what the Lord has planned. I am ready to go deeper here and really dig into what He is doing. There is a lot of pain, hurt and brokenness here, but Christ's love overcomes all of that, and I desperately want to see Him work and be glorified. Thank you for taking the time to read the ramblings of my heart. I am so grateful for each of you. You are dearly loved! Be blessed and keep fighting the good fight wherever the Lord has you.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
i will follow you when the stars go blue
It is hard to explain everything that goes on here...a lot happens and everyone has their own perception of things. And then there is everything that goes on in my head and heart (which if you know me - its a lot). But I will give y'all an update of a little bit of what has been going on...
Last Sunday night, one of the girls here was found in the shower sitting on a chair cutting herself with a piece of broken mirror. One of the Littles found her and she began screaming, then some of the Bigs went in to help. The police, ambulance and fire department came and she went to the hospital. At the time, I was in the other bathroom on the opposite hall with two of the girls who are on foot restriction and had to be within 5 or 15 feet of a Big at all times. I didn't actually hear or see anything that happened. The Lord protected me from the initial shock of everything so I could try and be there for other people. It was hard to see everyone around me in so much pain, heartache, confusion, anger, sadness. I listened as people talked about how they couldn't get the sight or sound out of their head, how it brought up a lot of emotion and other things in their lives. Each person reacted differently, and it was hard to know how to be there for the other Bigs and Littles, especially since I feel like I am still getting to know them. There was a heavy feeling on the whole house for most of the week. I went to visit the girl in the psychiatric hospital last Monday night. It was one of my first times to really talk with her, but she was doing better. She came back to the house this past Sunday, which the other girls were a bit nervous about, but its has been okay so far. I know the Lord has a purpose in it all, and so I have peace. We are all broken and learning how to deal with everything - but learning how to do it together. Its a crazy, painful, awkward and beautiful thing. I know - that doesn't really make sense, but I know its good. :)
Friday night was House Night, so all the girls broke up into teams and we went to the airport where we were going to do a scavenger hunt for random things - like a joyful greeting, pink luggage, someone sleeping...etc. But by the time we go to the airport, there weren't many flights left, so we all went to Starbucks and hung out. On Saturday night, which is room night, my room went to the mall and played with puppies, then had dinner and watched a movie. I don't actually live in the room with the Littles yet, but the room I am with right now is right across the hall. There are three Littles, and one Big lives in the room, and another Big is in the room next door and works with the same room too.
Monday we went on a retreat as Bigs to a nearby camp called God's Mountain. We ate, hung out, helped do some construction and cleaning at the camp, spent some time in worship and studied the book of Habakkuk. I loved reading through Habakkuk - I was humbled by who the Lord is and how He responds to Habakkuk's complaints - and see ways that I question God like Habakkuk did. It was fun to get to just be with the Bigs for a day and to spend some time together worshipping and talking about the Lord. Today was Doulos Day - a day once a month where all the Bigs and staff do something fun together. This morning we went over to one of the director's house and had breakfast. Some of the staff dressed up like we were at a hick-diner - "Stinky Pete's" - and they were in character and it was lots of fun. Then we went bowling! I really enjoyed hanging out with everyone, laughing, and being with the Bigs and staff.
I think I am beginning to really miss home - and by home I mean the place where you are known. The first three weeks have been great, and the newness of it all has been exciting. Now as I am beginning to feel more settled, I realize that I am still 'new', and for the most part, unknown. I miss that comfortable feeling of being surrounded by family and friends who know me, know my heart, who I can just sit with or who understand what I am talking about or why I do what I do. I've realized how blessed I am to have family and friends in my life who really care about me, who the Lord has allowed me to know, love and be loved by. However, I know that I am supposed to be here, and that He has a plan for my life. I know He is already working in orchestrating new friendships here, and that takes time. The Lord has been faithful to provide patience as He moves in His own timing. The past 3 weeks, the Lord has been doing a lot in my heart - pulling out lies I have believed for a long time, walking me through struggles and things I have wrestled with for years, and teaching me more about myself and who He is. I have prayed so much, and He has drawn me closer to Him. I have grown in my affection for the Lord - I couldn't ask for anything more. In the process of people getting to know me and getting to know others, I haven't felt lonely like I have felt in the past even though I don't feel really close to anyone yet. The Lord knows me better than I know myself and so I feel at home with Him. Its been a beautiful time drawing closer to Christ, and I know it has been necessary before I can move forward here and enter into new relationships. I have come to know Him more as my friend, Counselor, Savior, encouragement, strength, joy, comfort, peace, security, refuge and a place where I can rest and just be me. I have journaled so much, which has been awesome, and I have a lot of journals so I am well prepared! :) And even in the past few days I see the Lord growing deeper relationships with people here. He is faithful. And His timing is perfect. :)
All that to say, life is crazy, but I love it. I am a beautiful mess, but Christ holds everything together. The Lord has already done so much during my time here, and I am excited for what He has planned next. I pray that you are coming to know Christ more in your own lives. True life is found in Him alone because knowing Him satisfies the soul. Amen.
Last Sunday night, one of the girls here was found in the shower sitting on a chair cutting herself with a piece of broken mirror. One of the Littles found her and she began screaming, then some of the Bigs went in to help. The police, ambulance and fire department came and she went to the hospital. At the time, I was in the other bathroom on the opposite hall with two of the girls who are on foot restriction and had to be within 5 or 15 feet of a Big at all times. I didn't actually hear or see anything that happened. The Lord protected me from the initial shock of everything so I could try and be there for other people. It was hard to see everyone around me in so much pain, heartache, confusion, anger, sadness. I listened as people talked about how they couldn't get the sight or sound out of their head, how it brought up a lot of emotion and other things in their lives. Each person reacted differently, and it was hard to know how to be there for the other Bigs and Littles, especially since I feel like I am still getting to know them. There was a heavy feeling on the whole house for most of the week. I went to visit the girl in the psychiatric hospital last Monday night. It was one of my first times to really talk with her, but she was doing better. She came back to the house this past Sunday, which the other girls were a bit nervous about, but its has been okay so far. I know the Lord has a purpose in it all, and so I have peace. We are all broken and learning how to deal with everything - but learning how to do it together. Its a crazy, painful, awkward and beautiful thing. I know - that doesn't really make sense, but I know its good. :)
Friday night was House Night, so all the girls broke up into teams and we went to the airport where we were going to do a scavenger hunt for random things - like a joyful greeting, pink luggage, someone sleeping...etc. But by the time we go to the airport, there weren't many flights left, so we all went to Starbucks and hung out. On Saturday night, which is room night, my room went to the mall and played with puppies, then had dinner and watched a movie. I don't actually live in the room with the Littles yet, but the room I am with right now is right across the hall. There are three Littles, and one Big lives in the room, and another Big is in the room next door and works with the same room too.
Monday we went on a retreat as Bigs to a nearby camp called God's Mountain. We ate, hung out, helped do some construction and cleaning at the camp, spent some time in worship and studied the book of Habakkuk. I loved reading through Habakkuk - I was humbled by who the Lord is and how He responds to Habakkuk's complaints - and see ways that I question God like Habakkuk did. It was fun to get to just be with the Bigs for a day and to spend some time together worshipping and talking about the Lord. Today was Doulos Day - a day once a month where all the Bigs and staff do something fun together. This morning we went over to one of the director's house and had breakfast. Some of the staff dressed up like we were at a hick-diner - "Stinky Pete's" - and they were in character and it was lots of fun. Then we went bowling! I really enjoyed hanging out with everyone, laughing, and being with the Bigs and staff.
I think I am beginning to really miss home - and by home I mean the place where you are known. The first three weeks have been great, and the newness of it all has been exciting. Now as I am beginning to feel more settled, I realize that I am still 'new', and for the most part, unknown. I miss that comfortable feeling of being surrounded by family and friends who know me, know my heart, who I can just sit with or who understand what I am talking about or why I do what I do. I've realized how blessed I am to have family and friends in my life who really care about me, who the Lord has allowed me to know, love and be loved by. However, I know that I am supposed to be here, and that He has a plan for my life. I know He is already working in orchestrating new friendships here, and that takes time. The Lord has been faithful to provide patience as He moves in His own timing. The past 3 weeks, the Lord has been doing a lot in my heart - pulling out lies I have believed for a long time, walking me through struggles and things I have wrestled with for years, and teaching me more about myself and who He is. I have prayed so much, and He has drawn me closer to Him. I have grown in my affection for the Lord - I couldn't ask for anything more. In the process of people getting to know me and getting to know others, I haven't felt lonely like I have felt in the past even though I don't feel really close to anyone yet. The Lord knows me better than I know myself and so I feel at home with Him. Its been a beautiful time drawing closer to Christ, and I know it has been necessary before I can move forward here and enter into new relationships. I have come to know Him more as my friend, Counselor, Savior, encouragement, strength, joy, comfort, peace, security, refuge and a place where I can rest and just be me. I have journaled so much, which has been awesome, and I have a lot of journals so I am well prepared! :) And even in the past few days I see the Lord growing deeper relationships with people here. He is faithful. And His timing is perfect. :)
All that to say, life is crazy, but I love it. I am a beautiful mess, but Christ holds everything together. The Lord has already done so much during my time here, and I am excited for what He has planned next. I pray that you are coming to know Christ more in your own lives. True life is found in Him alone because knowing Him satisfies the soul. Amen.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
WARNING: an honest reflection of the heart
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." - Jeremiah 17:9-10
The past few days have been trying and tough - but that good kind of tough. The Lord has been breaking me down, which is not a fun, nor easy thing. I often resist what He is doing in my heart because it is painful and uncomfortable. He often reveals how ugly and disgusting my heart can be. I hate my own sin and sometimes struggle to admit my weakness, failure and inability to walk in submission to Christ, to truly love like He does. And the pain I feel is often the result of my own sin, which is frustrating. It is not easy to take an honest look at the depth of your depravity - that is without the grace of Christ and faith in the truth of what Christ accomplished on the cross.
I've been blessed with the time I have had to spend here and I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be. It has been amazing to see the opportunities the Lord has set before me and the honest conversations I have been able to have with some of the Littles here, and with the other Bigs. However, it is also hard to see people hurt, struggle and wrestle with the pain, hurt, sin and confusion they are facing. I am left at a loss for words and thoughts sometimes when I come to the end and have no answer. I praise God for the faith He has given me to still trust in His unfailing love and faithfulness when things are hard. When I don't understand or can't see, I know He will save us and come through. I just struggle waiting for His timing and patience because I want everything to be okay now. But it's not...and to sit in the brokenness and pain and hurt and struggle is not easy, but I know He has a purpose in it. So I wait in expectation with hope knowing that He will be faithful make everything beautiful in its time.
Being surrounded by so much brokenness brings up so much in myself - things I thought has been healed and dealt with, God has decided to bring back to the surface, to bring me back to my knees and break me down again. Friday night everyone was in the Boy's House for House Night where a Christian rock band came to play a concert for us. One of the guy Bigs is friends with people in the band and it was fun to watch the girls have fun and dance and laugh. During this time though, I just sat and listened to the music and began thinking a lot, only to find tears rolling down my cheeks. One of the girl Bigs tried to pull me to the side to talk but I didn't want to move so she just sat down next to me for awhile and asked me what was going on. Once I was able to, I started talking about it. And since then I am coming to a greater understanding of what was going on in me.
Its a mix of things really...overwhelmed by finally being here and knowing I am supposed to be here. I absolutely love it. Another part of me was struggling with the depth of who I am - the way I think, feel, love and care deeply about people. I feel shame about that sometimes, but I am learning how to simply be who I am. However, sometimes the way I care about people is twisted into control or emotional dependency, and I think I am afraid of falling into that again. Its a hard thing to admit, and so often I want to deny it and hide my heart from the Lord and others, but I cannot hide from God. In coming to see the honest truth about my heart - that it is deceitful, the Lord is gently breaking me to see that I need to let go and surrender my heart completely to Him. Only He can heal the hurt, shame, brokenness and deceit. He can cure it, but I have to hand my heart over to Him.
That is kinda where I am at right now - hurting and broken. But His grace is sufficient in that and He will be faithful to continue to complete the work He began in me. Amen for His truth.
Please pray that the Lord would continue to bring freedom and truth here to everyone. It's not just the Littles who are struggling, we all are. But there is something beautiful in the brokenness - I see hope that God is working. After all, He is close to the brokenhearted. And I will leave you with a couple things I have been thinking about - some scripture and some song lyrics. :) Be blessed, and may you know Him more. Much love.
Please pray that the Lord would continue to bring freedom and truth here to everyone. It's not just the Littles who are struggling, we all are. But there is something beautiful in the brokenness - I see hope that God is working. After all, He is close to the brokenhearted. And I will leave you with a couple things I have been thinking about - some scripture and some song lyrics. :) Be blessed, and may you know Him more. Much love.
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. - Hebrews 4:14-16
While we wait for a rescue with our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands to cover the fatal cut
Though the pain is an ocean tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters, higher mountains have come down
I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy - Jars of Clay "The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)