Hello! The days are counting down to the end of my time here as a Big. It is absolutely crazy! I think at this point I have more days that I am off then I am actually on before I go home for Christmas! That is crazy. I have a week off for Thanksgiving and I took 3 vacation days and my regular two days off a week! Crazy! I am not ready to say good-bye to so many people here...Lord, prepare my heart for whatever you have planned for me. This has been my life for almost 11 months! Its weird to think of leaving...and it freaks me out. So I try not to think too much about it! :)
I am going to miss some people over Thanksgiving break! I will be gone 8 days, but that seems like so long. Days here are so filled - its like you're gone a week if you are off for a day. Seriously. I don't even know how to explain it. I am driving home on Wednesday to Austin to see friends and family. I will celebrate Thanksgiving, however I will actually be here on Thanksgiving Day. I am actually kind of excited about that because a lot of the other Bigs will be here, too, and in ways, they have become like family. I mean, we do all live in the same house! :)
I spoke in chapel last Thursday. I played the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North (my fave!) and talked about stepping out into the light, finding healing from our shame possible only because of the gospel of Christ. I read the story about the woman who was caught in adultery and brought before Jesus. The crowd was about to stone her, but as Jesus pointed out that they were all guilty of sin, one by one they walk away until only Jesus is left, and He does not condemn her. Its such a beautiful story because it reflects the rich grace and compassion of our Lord. Only before His grace and mercy can we deal with all our junk openly and honestly. However, as we do, we find healing, freedom and life. Its amazing! I was really encouraged by people's feedback, and especially touched by a handful of guy Littles who told me they really liked what I shared. I just pray that the Lord uses it as He wants to to draw people closer to Him.
So there is one relationship with a Little here in particular that the Lord has been growing each day and overwhelming me with by what He is doing. I get to learn something new about her everyday and am amazed and blessed to get to watch Christ literally transforming her heart. Last week I went on a walk with her. The weather here has been beautiful - cool, crisp autumn air, amazing sunsets and beautiful fall colors. (The reds are my absolute favorite! I wish fall in Austin was like this...) We walked and talked a little bit, but we were quiet at times, too. Its nice to be able to just walk with someone and not have to say anything and it not be awkward. On our last lap around the loop around property, I picked up a leaf and explained to her a metaphor I came up with because I love metaphors. :) I explained how the leaf was dead and it had fallen off the tree. It was dried up, and it seemed hopeless. However, there is the hidden hope of spring. We have different seasons in life - fall leads to winter, which is often a depressing time of the year, everything dead & dormant. But under all that lies the hope of spring, of new life. In life, sometimes things have to die before they can truly be alive. We go through times where we feel like we are dying, but there is the hope of new life, of healing, beauty, peace, and grace possible in Christ. Amen.
I gave her the leaf to keep. I found a note from her on my bed later in the week, where she made a new metaphor. The leaf was torn in pieces and in her note she talked about how she felt like she was falling to pieces. It broke my heart to read, but I also loved her honesty and metaphor that she said was more relevant to her. So I gave her another metaphor! :) I tore the leaf into even smaller pieces then glued them on a note card in the shape of a heart and wrote out Hosea 6:1-3:
"Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds. After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will restore us, that we may live in His presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.”
This is what God does. He tears us apart then puts us back together in a more beautiful way. It can be painful beyond belief, but He is good and He has the power to heal, redeem and restore. This is my prayer for her, to truly come to know Christ and to experience the power of His love, grace, forgiveness and healing from her shame and hurt and find true peace in God. She gets closer each day and leaves me encouraging notes that make me really excited. The Lord is so faithful and overwhelmingly good to me. As He has brought healing, hope and freedom to my life, I get to show others the way to Christ to find the same hope. He alone is worthy and I am humbled to be able to do this with my life.
I pray that you are coming to know Christ more. Whether you are in the process of being torn apart or being put back together, or anywhere in between, I pray you know that you are being held close to His heart. The Maker of the Universe is making something beautiful out of you for all the world to know Him more. How incredible is that? Only Christ can take what is broken, bruised, tattered and turn it into something beautiful. Only a holy God can takes the things in our lives that have brought so much shame and hurt and use them for His redemptive purpose and glory. This is the Lord who I want to give my whole life to. To Him I owe my life, my everything. May you know Him more today. I love you & miss you all. Thank you so much for following me on this journey, for your prayers, love & support. I can not walk this alone and I am so grateful for each of you. Hope to see you soon! :)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Love is here, Love is now
Hey y'all! Sorry I haven't updated in a month...now it seems impossible to explain all that has happened in the past month. I don't even remember the past week sometimes...
A couple weekends ago we had Parent's Weekend. All of the Littles parents came in for a weekend retreat where they had family counseling, parent groups, time to hang out together and we as Bigs got to hang out with some parents and watch Littles with their families. I loved the night all the families showed up and was in awe watching the Littles hugging their parents and playing with their siblings. It was beautiful. I enjoyed the weekend, but parts of it were tough, too. The brokenness the Littles struggle with extend to the parents and entire families, and it was interesting to see how different families relate. It causes me to pray BIGGER prayers for the family as a whole and I have a better understanding of why girls relate the way they do. Overall, it was a great weekend, and through some of the tough stuff God has done some incredible things!
One of my favorite times here is still Tuesday nights with Bible study. It is awesome to dig into the Word of God with the Littles and to see their incredible faith in God. It humbles me and encourages me more than I can say. There is also a couple girls here who I have been blessed to get really close to. One is a strong believer and her faith inspires me everyday. And we laugh so much together! haha. I love being here.
There is one Little here who I get to have incredible conversations with. Through my relationship with her, I have come to thank God for things I have struggled with in the past, things I used to feel so much shame for, because through them I can connect to her and share how the Lord has set me free and healed me from shame. I have been so humbled and in awe to see the Lord changing her heart in unbelievable and amazing ways to bring healing. I get so EXCITED - like excited to the point I literally jump up and down and run around the house with a huge smile on my face. The Lord is so faithful! I feel like I am getting to see Isaiah 61 play out in her life as He sets her free from captivity, turns her mourning to joy, bestows beauty for ashes and brings her new life, restoring what is broken. I cannot even imagine what God has in-store next, but I simply thank Him for bringing certain girls into my life and ways He works that I can't explain but leave me speechless - and dancing around! :)
I love the community I live with now. I know that has been a struggle throughout my year, but I really enjoy seeing each of our gifts and personalities come together to allow us to connect with the girls in different ways. I love the diversity and how we are different parts of the body of Christ, but all necessary for the work we are doing. I have really connected with some of the Bigs who started in August. I am not ready to leave them yet or the Littles I have connected with. It is hard to believe I graduate this program in 6 weeks! What? Thats crazy. And some of that will be Thanksgiving break. This year has gone by so fast.
I am not sure exactly what is next. I have several ideas, from taking a few months off, looking for a job in Austin, or a new possibility of potentially staying here in a different role, but still able to invest in the relationships the Lord is growing now. Nothing is set and I honestly have no idea, but I have great peace that the Lord will lead me exactly where He wants, and I am excited about that! I was overwhelmed yesterday thinking about how Christ has worked in my life this year, walked me through trials, struggles, joys, times of laughter and great tears. I am not the same. I am walking in so much more freedom and confidence and have so much joy! I have come to this place of great peace and trust in my Savior that I know no matter where He leads me, He will me with me to provide all I need. He is faithful to the end. I can cling to nothing but Him, but I have everything in Him. To Him alone be all glory honor and praise forever and ever! Amen.
I love you all and miss you! Thank you so much for your prayers and support. They mean so much to me and encourage me to continue to pour out and live as best I can for the sake of the gospel! May you know more of Christ today. Much love!
A couple weekends ago we had Parent's Weekend. All of the Littles parents came in for a weekend retreat where they had family counseling, parent groups, time to hang out together and we as Bigs got to hang out with some parents and watch Littles with their families. I loved the night all the families showed up and was in awe watching the Littles hugging their parents and playing with their siblings. It was beautiful. I enjoyed the weekend, but parts of it were tough, too. The brokenness the Littles struggle with extend to the parents and entire families, and it was interesting to see how different families relate. It causes me to pray BIGGER prayers for the family as a whole and I have a better understanding of why girls relate the way they do. Overall, it was a great weekend, and through some of the tough stuff God has done some incredible things!
One of my favorite times here is still Tuesday nights with Bible study. It is awesome to dig into the Word of God with the Littles and to see their incredible faith in God. It humbles me and encourages me more than I can say. There is also a couple girls here who I have been blessed to get really close to. One is a strong believer and her faith inspires me everyday. And we laugh so much together! haha. I love being here.
There is one Little here who I get to have incredible conversations with. Through my relationship with her, I have come to thank God for things I have struggled with in the past, things I used to feel so much shame for, because through them I can connect to her and share how the Lord has set me free and healed me from shame. I have been so humbled and in awe to see the Lord changing her heart in unbelievable and amazing ways to bring healing. I get so EXCITED - like excited to the point I literally jump up and down and run around the house with a huge smile on my face. The Lord is so faithful! I feel like I am getting to see Isaiah 61 play out in her life as He sets her free from captivity, turns her mourning to joy, bestows beauty for ashes and brings her new life, restoring what is broken. I cannot even imagine what God has in-store next, but I simply thank Him for bringing certain girls into my life and ways He works that I can't explain but leave me speechless - and dancing around! :)
I love the community I live with now. I know that has been a struggle throughout my year, but I really enjoy seeing each of our gifts and personalities come together to allow us to connect with the girls in different ways. I love the diversity and how we are different parts of the body of Christ, but all necessary for the work we are doing. I have really connected with some of the Bigs who started in August. I am not ready to leave them yet or the Littles I have connected with. It is hard to believe I graduate this program in 6 weeks! What? Thats crazy. And some of that will be Thanksgiving break. This year has gone by so fast.
I am not sure exactly what is next. I have several ideas, from taking a few months off, looking for a job in Austin, or a new possibility of potentially staying here in a different role, but still able to invest in the relationships the Lord is growing now. Nothing is set and I honestly have no idea, but I have great peace that the Lord will lead me exactly where He wants, and I am excited about that! I was overwhelmed yesterday thinking about how Christ has worked in my life this year, walked me through trials, struggles, joys, times of laughter and great tears. I am not the same. I am walking in so much more freedom and confidence and have so much joy! I have come to this place of great peace and trust in my Savior that I know no matter where He leads me, He will me with me to provide all I need. He is faithful to the end. I can cling to nothing but Him, but I have everything in Him. To Him alone be all glory honor and praise forever and ever! Amen.
I love you all and miss you! Thank you so much for your prayers and support. They mean so much to me and encourage me to continue to pour out and live as best I can for the sake of the gospel! May you know more of Christ today. Much love!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
livin the dream :)
This place continues to provide the highest of highs and lowest of lows. It's quite a roller coaster. I find myself in beautiful moments and then in huge despair. But through it all the Lord is with me and its quite a journey.
Right now I am filled with so much joy. Earlier today, I cried. Such is the life. The tension in the house at times is quite overwhelming, and there is often an overlaying sense of negativity. It is draining and really affects me at times, with so much complaining and people upset and angry. I sadly found myself being pulled into it and having a bad attitude and wanting to just complain. But the Lord graciously revealed to me my selfish heart and is giving me strength to simply trust Him even in the chaos and frustration. He will be faithful in it all. Pray that I will trust the Lord and know that He is working for good even when things seem messed up.
There are several things I am REALLY EXCITED about right now! Well, I have started a Bible study on Tuesday nights going through Ephesians and it has become my favorite time of the week. Last week four girls came and we got to sit and talk about the Word of God and His grace and how He gave us His Holy Spirit as a promise and security of His return and so much more. It is awesome to sit with girls here and see their relationship with the Lord and excitement to know Him more! It encourages my heart more than I can say. Tonight I had four girls again, with about 3 or 4 other who would trickle in and out. We read Paul's prayer to the Ephesian in the first chapter and talking about knowing God and His power displayed in the resurrection and how He has supreme authority. Then we talked about heaven and laughed imagining how we would get there. We shared metaphors and stories and worshipped the Lord as we read the Word and talked about it together!!!! It was absolutely amazing and so humbling to sit with them. I felt so honored just to share in that part of their lives and to hear how they pray each night. It was beautiful to listen to our simplicity as children of God praying at night and just talking to Him like He is our Daddy! I cannot even begin to describe the excitement I felt and how much I enjoyed being with them, laughing, talking, praying. Beautiful moments. Living the dream! :)
Last night I took two girls on a walk at night. The weather has been cool and the night sky was incredible! After we walked for a half hour, we laid down in the middle of the driveway and stared at the sky. It was so beautiful!!! Those are the best moments here...just enjoying being together and being amazed at the wonder and beauty of God.
I have come to really love the girls here. There are some that have found such a special place in my heart. One of them is so hungry to know the Lord, I decided I wanted to take time on my days off to really invest in her as much as I know. We are going to meet each Wednesday and talk about as much as we can so I can challenge her to teach others. True discipleship! I am so pumped and she is such an encouragement to me. I am going to miss the girls here when I leave for sure. I am so grateful for the relationships the Lord has allowed me to develop with them and for the chance to know them. Its awesome now to enjoy being here because it was my dream for so long, and now I see it being fulfilled - to the praise and glory of God alone!
There are times when I hurt so much here for the brokenness I see. I feel it in my own life as well, and I long so desperately for the redemption of Christ in all areas of my life. I see how deceived these girls are into what they think will fulfill them, and sometimes how hardened their hearts are. Other times I see them in so much pain and just want to take it away, but I can't. I've become pretty close to one of the girls here, and last week I held for an hour after beds while she just cried. One of her roommates came out and cried with us. I loved it! Strange maybe, but having the gift of mercy, I felt alive because I knew the Lord was there. And I wish there were more moments like that to just sit and cry with them. Things here are insane crazy busy and so to have time to slow down and feel was great. Mourn with those who mourn, right? I pray that she found some healing and comfort. I realize I can't take her pain away, all I have to offer is Christ the God of all comfort who carried our sorrows and by His wounds we are healed. Its exciting to see what God is doing, though sometimes I get discouraged because I feel like nothing changes. But He promises to be faithful to complete the work He began in us, so I can rest in that!
All that to say, God is good - all the time! Each day here is a struggle, but it makes it worth it. Praise the God who is faithful to work for good in all things and whose grace and love surpass understanding! I miss you all and love you so much! Please update me on your lives and know that I am so grateful for your encouragement, prayers, love and support! Be blessed! :)
Right now I am filled with so much joy. Earlier today, I cried. Such is the life. The tension in the house at times is quite overwhelming, and there is often an overlaying sense of negativity. It is draining and really affects me at times, with so much complaining and people upset and angry. I sadly found myself being pulled into it and having a bad attitude and wanting to just complain. But the Lord graciously revealed to me my selfish heart and is giving me strength to simply trust Him even in the chaos and frustration. He will be faithful in it all. Pray that I will trust the Lord and know that He is working for good even when things seem messed up.
There are several things I am REALLY EXCITED about right now! Well, I have started a Bible study on Tuesday nights going through Ephesians and it has become my favorite time of the week. Last week four girls came and we got to sit and talk about the Word of God and His grace and how He gave us His Holy Spirit as a promise and security of His return and so much more. It is awesome to sit with girls here and see their relationship with the Lord and excitement to know Him more! It encourages my heart more than I can say. Tonight I had four girls again, with about 3 or 4 other who would trickle in and out. We read Paul's prayer to the Ephesian in the first chapter and talking about knowing God and His power displayed in the resurrection and how He has supreme authority. Then we talked about heaven and laughed imagining how we would get there. We shared metaphors and stories and worshipped the Lord as we read the Word and talked about it together!!!! It was absolutely amazing and so humbling to sit with them. I felt so honored just to share in that part of their lives and to hear how they pray each night. It was beautiful to listen to our simplicity as children of God praying at night and just talking to Him like He is our Daddy! I cannot even begin to describe the excitement I felt and how much I enjoyed being with them, laughing, talking, praying. Beautiful moments. Living the dream! :)
Last night I took two girls on a walk at night. The weather has been cool and the night sky was incredible! After we walked for a half hour, we laid down in the middle of the driveway and stared at the sky. It was so beautiful!!! Those are the best moments here...just enjoying being together and being amazed at the wonder and beauty of God.
I have come to really love the girls here. There are some that have found such a special place in my heart. One of them is so hungry to know the Lord, I decided I wanted to take time on my days off to really invest in her as much as I know. We are going to meet each Wednesday and talk about as much as we can so I can challenge her to teach others. True discipleship! I am so pumped and she is such an encouragement to me. I am going to miss the girls here when I leave for sure. I am so grateful for the relationships the Lord has allowed me to develop with them and for the chance to know them. Its awesome now to enjoy being here because it was my dream for so long, and now I see it being fulfilled - to the praise and glory of God alone!
There are times when I hurt so much here for the brokenness I see. I feel it in my own life as well, and I long so desperately for the redemption of Christ in all areas of my life. I see how deceived these girls are into what they think will fulfill them, and sometimes how hardened their hearts are. Other times I see them in so much pain and just want to take it away, but I can't. I've become pretty close to one of the girls here, and last week I held for an hour after beds while she just cried. One of her roommates came out and cried with us. I loved it! Strange maybe, but having the gift of mercy, I felt alive because I knew the Lord was there. And I wish there were more moments like that to just sit and cry with them. Things here are insane crazy busy and so to have time to slow down and feel was great. Mourn with those who mourn, right? I pray that she found some healing and comfort. I realize I can't take her pain away, all I have to offer is Christ the God of all comfort who carried our sorrows and by His wounds we are healed. Its exciting to see what God is doing, though sometimes I get discouraged because I feel like nothing changes. But He promises to be faithful to complete the work He began in us, so I can rest in that!
All that to say, God is good - all the time! Each day here is a struggle, but it makes it worth it. Praise the God who is faithful to work for good in all things and whose grace and love surpass understanding! I miss you all and love you so much! Please update me on your lives and know that I am so grateful for your encouragement, prayers, love and support! Be blessed! :)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet...
Hey y'all! I hope you are coming to know our incredible Savior Jesus Christ more through whatever He may be leading you. I am learning that I can only run to Him each and every day to find the grace and truth I am so desperate for. I am so grateful for His faithfulness, even in the face of my failures, struggles and fears. To Him alone be all glory & praise!
Things here have been a mixture of things - as always. I have enjoyed some incredible moments with girls - laughing so hard I cried, sitting in silence under the weight of pain and heartache, talking about life or the Lord or listening to frustrations, and overwhelmed by the chaos and emotions and drama that goes on everyday. Its quite the life!
Beneath all the stuff that goes on here, I have found a sweet peace in Christ. He is everything. People say it's all about Jesus - sometimes it seems cheesy or a church answer, but it really is the truth. All reality exists in Him, and He is the only source of true life. I have been blessed by some recent conversations with girls lately. A couple of them have really encouraged me by their response to the truth and desire to know Christ. I started to go through Ephesians with the girls last night. Only one of the girls came this week, but it was sweet one-on-one time. She shared part of her testimony with me and I did the same. Then we looked at the first 10 verses and talked about how God chose us before the creation of the world and has blessed us with everything! Its hard to really grasp and take in such rich truths about God's grace - and to think about how He has revealed the mystery of His will to us and plan to bring everything back together in Christ. I wanted to just sit in the awe and silence of the moment. Wow! It is too good to be true, but it is true and amazing! It was exciting to just worship God together and to enjoy the stillness of the night and then pray together for one another. I am really excited to continue to dig into the Word and a few other girls said they want to join us. I am so encouraged to see Christ working in their hearts and their desire to know Him. One girl here has recently told me that she wants to know the God I know. I am humbled, and so excited! I want my life to be an invitation to know and worship Christ. I want to draw other people into the heart of the Lord, to worship Him together. I think that is what life is all about. I am so grateful for the opportunity to do that here. :)
I love getting to see truth in the everyday experiences of life. I love metaphors and analogies, and my girls joke around with me about how I have a God analogy for everything. I am okay with that! Last week one of them fell out of her bed and broke a side table I have by my bed while I was off. When I came back, I realized that it was a bit lopsided...haha. They just giggled at this and I found the story out later the next day. However, the next morning I examined the table to realize their feeble attempts to fix it. They had taken scotch tape and wrapped it around the legs, then colored the tape with black permanent marker. I removed the tape while laughing. I asked them why they didn't tell me, and one girl said she thought I would be mad. Clearly, they don't quite know me yet. :) I thought the whole thing was hilarious! And I was quite glad my Little who fell off her bed didn't get hurt. And I saw a perfect example of how we relate to the Lord...
We as people are clearly broken. We are sinful at the depths of our hearts and completely depraved. We have a desperate need for a Savior. Yet, even though we know this, instead of coming to the Lord with our brokenness, we try to fix ourselves. We try to tape together the broken pieces of our lives and dress it up to pretend like everything is okay and we aren't broken. Sometimes we think God is going to be so disappointed with us and angry, when the truth is He is very aware of our brokenness, and has great compassion. The whole reason He left the throne of heaven to enter into our pain to rescue us from ourselves, our sin and shame. However, instead of experiencing the life Christ has to offer, we just walk around lopsided...it is pretty ridiculous. But we do it all the time. I shared this analogy with my girls and other Bigs because I love metaphors! ;) My girls thought I was crazy, haha, but I know the Lord is working in their hearts and I really enjoy them a lot.
I am very aware of this intense battle being fought over my heart right now. It has been very painful lately and overwhelming at times with the intensity of the emotions I experience in it. Hurt, pain, frustration, anger, confusion. I think Romans 7 clearly defines the war being waged. I see these idols my heart creates - longings for love, affection, attention, affirmation, approval, acceptance and comfort or control that turn quickly into demands and take me captive to my flesh. I absolutely hate it and am disgusted by what I see. And I feel entirely helpless and unable to change it and fix it, because I am. I am slowly learning to lay this all before the Lord, to not try to tape myself together, but to face the feelings I am experiencing, to feel the hurt, disappointment and pain and allow those things to draw me closer to Christ. I honestly don't want to face them. I want to go around the pain or avoid it or find a quick fix, but I feel the Lord beckoning me to enter the darkness, the valley and the unknown of the confusion because He is there and He is inviting me into it. He is patient with me as I am slowly being obedient to go there with Him. It reminds me of the song "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens - Currently on every playlist I am listening to right now. I may not know where He is leading or feel like He is there, but I will go through it clinging to His promises and trusting even when I don't understand and I can't see. Extremely difficult, but I know it will be totally worth it! You can pray for grace and obedience to this for me if you want. :)
Yeah so thats me & my heart right now. I am a beautiful mess as always. :) I know this entry was a bit long, but I felt the need to share what has been on my heart, I pray it will encourage your heart and spur you on towards Christ. He will meet you where you are and is faithfully working out what He began in you. May you experience more of His amazing love & grace today. I love you & miss you all. Feel free to tell me how you are or what is going on in your life. Much love always! :)
Things here have been a mixture of things - as always. I have enjoyed some incredible moments with girls - laughing so hard I cried, sitting in silence under the weight of pain and heartache, talking about life or the Lord or listening to frustrations, and overwhelmed by the chaos and emotions and drama that goes on everyday. Its quite the life!
Beneath all the stuff that goes on here, I have found a sweet peace in Christ. He is everything. People say it's all about Jesus - sometimes it seems cheesy or a church answer, but it really is the truth. All reality exists in Him, and He is the only source of true life. I have been blessed by some recent conversations with girls lately. A couple of them have really encouraged me by their response to the truth and desire to know Christ. I started to go through Ephesians with the girls last night. Only one of the girls came this week, but it was sweet one-on-one time. She shared part of her testimony with me and I did the same. Then we looked at the first 10 verses and talked about how God chose us before the creation of the world and has blessed us with everything! Its hard to really grasp and take in such rich truths about God's grace - and to think about how He has revealed the mystery of His will to us and plan to bring everything back together in Christ. I wanted to just sit in the awe and silence of the moment. Wow! It is too good to be true, but it is true and amazing! It was exciting to just worship God together and to enjoy the stillness of the night and then pray together for one another. I am really excited to continue to dig into the Word and a few other girls said they want to join us. I am so encouraged to see Christ working in their hearts and their desire to know Him. One girl here has recently told me that she wants to know the God I know. I am humbled, and so excited! I want my life to be an invitation to know and worship Christ. I want to draw other people into the heart of the Lord, to worship Him together. I think that is what life is all about. I am so grateful for the opportunity to do that here. :)
I love getting to see truth in the everyday experiences of life. I love metaphors and analogies, and my girls joke around with me about how I have a God analogy for everything. I am okay with that! Last week one of them fell out of her bed and broke a side table I have by my bed while I was off. When I came back, I realized that it was a bit lopsided...haha. They just giggled at this and I found the story out later the next day. However, the next morning I examined the table to realize their feeble attempts to fix it. They had taken scotch tape and wrapped it around the legs, then colored the tape with black permanent marker. I removed the tape while laughing. I asked them why they didn't tell me, and one girl said she thought I would be mad. Clearly, they don't quite know me yet. :) I thought the whole thing was hilarious! And I was quite glad my Little who fell off her bed didn't get hurt. And I saw a perfect example of how we relate to the Lord...
We as people are clearly broken. We are sinful at the depths of our hearts and completely depraved. We have a desperate need for a Savior. Yet, even though we know this, instead of coming to the Lord with our brokenness, we try to fix ourselves. We try to tape together the broken pieces of our lives and dress it up to pretend like everything is okay and we aren't broken. Sometimes we think God is going to be so disappointed with us and angry, when the truth is He is very aware of our brokenness, and has great compassion. The whole reason He left the throne of heaven to enter into our pain to rescue us from ourselves, our sin and shame. However, instead of experiencing the life Christ has to offer, we just walk around lopsided...it is pretty ridiculous. But we do it all the time. I shared this analogy with my girls and other Bigs because I love metaphors! ;) My girls thought I was crazy, haha, but I know the Lord is working in their hearts and I really enjoy them a lot.
I am very aware of this intense battle being fought over my heart right now. It has been very painful lately and overwhelming at times with the intensity of the emotions I experience in it. Hurt, pain, frustration, anger, confusion. I think Romans 7 clearly defines the war being waged. I see these idols my heart creates - longings for love, affection, attention, affirmation, approval, acceptance and comfort or control that turn quickly into demands and take me captive to my flesh. I absolutely hate it and am disgusted by what I see. And I feel entirely helpless and unable to change it and fix it, because I am. I am slowly learning to lay this all before the Lord, to not try to tape myself together, but to face the feelings I am experiencing, to feel the hurt, disappointment and pain and allow those things to draw me closer to Christ. I honestly don't want to face them. I want to go around the pain or avoid it or find a quick fix, but I feel the Lord beckoning me to enter the darkness, the valley and the unknown of the confusion because He is there and He is inviting me into it. He is patient with me as I am slowly being obedient to go there with Him. It reminds me of the song "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens - Currently on every playlist I am listening to right now. I may not know where He is leading or feel like He is there, but I will go through it clinging to His promises and trusting even when I don't understand and I can't see. Extremely difficult, but I know it will be totally worth it! You can pray for grace and obedience to this for me if you want. :)
Yeah so thats me & my heart right now. I am a beautiful mess as always. :) I know this entry was a bit long, but I felt the need to share what has been on my heart, I pray it will encourage your heart and spur you on towards Christ. He will meet you where you are and is faithfully working out what He began in you. May you experience more of His amazing love & grace today. I love you & miss you all. Feel free to tell me how you are or what is going on in your life. Much love always! :)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
a beautiful collision
The past couple of weeks have been challenging. I can't count the number of times I have wanted to breakdown or run away, but I am still here and pushing through by the grace of God, which is enough.
So much change creates a lot of chaos, and I feel like I am in the middle of the mess. Since only 3 of us girl Bigs have been here for awhile, I feel like there has been extra responsibility. While people are getting used to working in the kitchen, we have been helping out a lot in there and also help out with everything in the house. One day, I wanted to scream because I felt stretched beyond my limits. After almost 7 hours in the kitchen, I came back into the house to be asked to do 3 different things in the first 2 minutes I was there. I was exhausted and drained in every way possible. Littles were frustrated with other girls, how things were in the house as new Bigs are learning how everything runs, and the house directors come to me for information and to do things, too. I was comfortable just going along with things before, but now I have been forced to really step it up. I think I prayed for this...and its a good thing, just hard. I never thought it would be easy, just actually walking through it makes me more aware of my own humanity, as well as my pride. Yikes! But God is graciously opposing that in me and breaking me down. Hallelujah!
I am growing in my dependence on Christ. I think that probably the greatest thing that could happen - the purpose in all of it. As more of my own selfishness and pride is revealed, I must draw near to Christ and ask that He change me and work in ways that only He can. Right now I feel so distracted by everything I have to do, that I think I miss Christ in it all. I want to be able to sit and engage in rich conversation with other Bigs & Littles. Lately, I feel like I have been running around like crazy doing things, making sure people have what they need. I have been blessed to really connect with other people at moments, but I wish I could do that more. Now that we get 2 whole days off instead of just 12 hours (hallelujah!), I think I will try to take a Little out each week for some one-on-one time. I did that last week and I loved it! Precious time without feeling pressure to be somewhere or do something.
I want to slow down...but its hard to walk into a house with 25 Littles who all want you to take them somewhere or get something for them or to simply love on them. I want to hold each of them, help them see who Christ is, that only He can satisfy those intense longings in their soul and that the other things they are chasing after is going to leave them more thirsty and empty. I don't know the best way to show them the gospel, but I am seeking what this looks like. I know I fail everyday at loving the people around me, at staying focused on Christ and resting in His grace. In the past, I would probably beat myself up for not living up to the standard I have set - but praise God that I feel more free to be okay with where I am, struggling, searching. Not knowing all the answers. Its not about the standard I set anyways. I still experience heartache and disappointment and frustration, which at times is overwhelming, but I have security and peace in Christ and can be okay not being okay knowing that Christ holds me together - if that makes any sense.
The Lord is faithful, even when I am not. He will complete the work He began in me, in other Bigs and Littles, in all of us. His purposes cannot be thwarted, so I am free to love, to risk, to hurt, to cry, to fail. I long for more. And I will as long as I live on this earth. I have a desire in me that nothing in this earth can satisfy. That is a scary realization, but its true of all of us, and as I begin to face this deep thirst, I can run to the One who satisfies. Christ is all I need. I won't be fully satisfied, not in the way I long to, until He returns to take us home. And so there is this ache in my heart, this longing for something, somewhere. I know it is for my sweet Savior, and I wait in eager expectation for the day I see His face. Until then, I know there is work to be done, people to love, and trials to teach me how to love the way Christ has called me to.
I want to love deeply. To love well. To love freely, passionately, powerfully. To give life, to reflect Christ, to offer Him in the midst of my own brokenness, weakness and failure. His love never fails, and He is what we are all so desperate for. Lord, teach me how to love - You and others. This is my prayer and heart's desire.
I miss you all and love you very much. I would love to hear how you are doing if you would like to share. Feel free to call me or email or whatever! May you know Christ more each day. Love, love and more love! :)
So much change creates a lot of chaos, and I feel like I am in the middle of the mess. Since only 3 of us girl Bigs have been here for awhile, I feel like there has been extra responsibility. While people are getting used to working in the kitchen, we have been helping out a lot in there and also help out with everything in the house. One day, I wanted to scream because I felt stretched beyond my limits. After almost 7 hours in the kitchen, I came back into the house to be asked to do 3 different things in the first 2 minutes I was there. I was exhausted and drained in every way possible. Littles were frustrated with other girls, how things were in the house as new Bigs are learning how everything runs, and the house directors come to me for information and to do things, too. I was comfortable just going along with things before, but now I have been forced to really step it up. I think I prayed for this...and its a good thing, just hard. I never thought it would be easy, just actually walking through it makes me more aware of my own humanity, as well as my pride. Yikes! But God is graciously opposing that in me and breaking me down. Hallelujah!
I am growing in my dependence on Christ. I think that probably the greatest thing that could happen - the purpose in all of it. As more of my own selfishness and pride is revealed, I must draw near to Christ and ask that He change me and work in ways that only He can. Right now I feel so distracted by everything I have to do, that I think I miss Christ in it all. I want to be able to sit and engage in rich conversation with other Bigs & Littles. Lately, I feel like I have been running around like crazy doing things, making sure people have what they need. I have been blessed to really connect with other people at moments, but I wish I could do that more. Now that we get 2 whole days off instead of just 12 hours (hallelujah!), I think I will try to take a Little out each week for some one-on-one time. I did that last week and I loved it! Precious time without feeling pressure to be somewhere or do something.
I want to slow down...but its hard to walk into a house with 25 Littles who all want you to take them somewhere or get something for them or to simply love on them. I want to hold each of them, help them see who Christ is, that only He can satisfy those intense longings in their soul and that the other things they are chasing after is going to leave them more thirsty and empty. I don't know the best way to show them the gospel, but I am seeking what this looks like. I know I fail everyday at loving the people around me, at staying focused on Christ and resting in His grace. In the past, I would probably beat myself up for not living up to the standard I have set - but praise God that I feel more free to be okay with where I am, struggling, searching. Not knowing all the answers. Its not about the standard I set anyways. I still experience heartache and disappointment and frustration, which at times is overwhelming, but I have security and peace in Christ and can be okay not being okay knowing that Christ holds me together - if that makes any sense.
The Lord is faithful, even when I am not. He will complete the work He began in me, in other Bigs and Littles, in all of us. His purposes cannot be thwarted, so I am free to love, to risk, to hurt, to cry, to fail. I long for more. And I will as long as I live on this earth. I have a desire in me that nothing in this earth can satisfy. That is a scary realization, but its true of all of us, and as I begin to face this deep thirst, I can run to the One who satisfies. Christ is all I need. I won't be fully satisfied, not in the way I long to, until He returns to take us home. And so there is this ache in my heart, this longing for something, somewhere. I know it is for my sweet Savior, and I wait in eager expectation for the day I see His face. Until then, I know there is work to be done, people to love, and trials to teach me how to love the way Christ has called me to.
I want to love deeply. To love well. To love freely, passionately, powerfully. To give life, to reflect Christ, to offer Him in the midst of my own brokenness, weakness and failure. His love never fails, and He is what we are all so desperate for. Lord, teach me how to love - You and others. This is my prayer and heart's desire.
I miss you all and love you very much. I would love to hear how you are doing if you would like to share. Feel free to call me or email or whatever! May you know Christ more each day. Love, love and more love! :)
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