Tuesday, September 7, 2010

a beautiful collision

The past couple of weeks have been challenging. I can't count the number of times I have wanted to breakdown or run away, but I am still here and pushing through by the grace of God, which is enough.

So much change creates a lot of chaos, and I feel like I am in the middle of the mess. Since only 3 of us girl Bigs have been here for awhile, I feel like there has been extra responsibility. While people are getting used to working in the kitchen, we have been helping out a lot in there and also help out with everything in the house. One day, I wanted to scream because I felt stretched beyond my limits. After almost 7 hours in the kitchen, I came back into the house to be asked to do 3 different things in the first 2 minutes I was there. I was exhausted and drained in every way possible. Littles were frustrated with other girls, how things were in the house as new Bigs are learning how everything runs, and the house directors come to me for information and to do things, too. I was comfortable just going along with things before, but now I have been forced to really step it up. I think I prayed for this...and its a good thing, just hard. I never thought it would be easy, just actually walking through it makes me more aware of my own humanity, as well as my pride. Yikes! But God is graciously opposing that in me and breaking me down. Hallelujah!

I am growing in my dependence on Christ. I think that probably the greatest thing that could happen - the purpose in all of it. As more of my own selfishness and pride is revealed, I must draw near to Christ and ask that He change me and work in ways that only He can. Right now I feel so distracted by everything I have to do, that I think I miss Christ in it all. I want to be able to sit and engage in rich conversation with other Bigs & Littles. Lately, I feel like I have been running around like crazy doing things, making sure people have what they need. I have been blessed to really connect with other people at moments, but I wish I could do that more. Now that we get 2 whole days off instead of just 12 hours (hallelujah!), I think I will try to take a Little out each week for some one-on-one time. I did that last week and I loved it! Precious time without feeling pressure to be somewhere or do something.

I want to slow down...but its hard to walk into a house with 25 Littles who all want you to take them somewhere or get something for them or to simply love on them. I want to hold each of them, help them see who Christ is, that only He can satisfy those intense longings in their soul and that the other things they are chasing after is going to leave them more thirsty and empty. I don't know the best way to show them the gospel, but I am seeking what this looks like. I know I fail everyday at loving the people around me, at staying focused on Christ and resting in His grace. In the past, I would probably beat myself up for not living up to the standard I have set - but praise God that I feel more free to be okay with where I am, struggling, searching. Not knowing all the answers. Its not about the standard I set anyways. I still experience heartache and disappointment and frustration, which at times is overwhelming, but I have security and peace in Christ and can be okay not being okay knowing that Christ holds me together - if that makes any sense.

The Lord is faithful, even when I am not. He will complete the work He began in me, in other Bigs and Littles, in all of us. His purposes cannot be thwarted, so I am free to love, to risk, to hurt, to cry, to fail. I long for more. And I will as long as I live on this earth. I have a desire in me that nothing in this earth can satisfy. That is a scary realization, but its true of all of us, and as I begin to face this deep thirst, I can run to the One who satisfies. Christ is all I need. I won't be fully satisfied, not in the way I long to, until He returns to take us home. And so there is this ache in my heart, this longing for something, somewhere. I know it is for my sweet Savior, and I wait in eager expectation for the day I see His face. Until then, I know there is work to be done, people to love, and trials to teach me how to love the way Christ has called me to.

I want to love deeply. To love well. To love freely, passionately, powerfully. To give life, to reflect Christ, to offer Him in the midst of my own brokenness, weakness and failure. His love never fails, and He is what we are all so desperate for. Lord, teach me how to love - You and others. This is my prayer and heart's desire.

I miss you all and love you very much. I would love to hear how you are doing if you would like to share. Feel free to call me or email or whatever! May you know Christ more each day. Love, love and more love! :)

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