I am tired and drained. The past couple of weeks has been rough. I have come to the end of myself, been faced with my inadequacy and weakness, and come to a place where all I have to cling to is the grace of Christ.
I've learned a lot about myself and been weighed down by the sin, hurt and brokenness I see in myself and those around me. I realized that in high energy situations, I have a tendency to shut down. When people get escalated and angry, I have no idea how to respond. I feel alone, weak and helpless. It is overwhelming at times. The girls have a lot of hurt and pain, and they put up walls and push people away with their anger. They don't know what to do with their pain so they lash out, and I feel lost as to help them. I am learning, but I realize how much I don't know and how out of control things can get sometimes. It has been humbling and hard. But I praise Christ who holds all things together and is faithful to work in me. He is patient as I learn to be all He desires me to be, and I am grateful for His infinite wisdom - God knows what these girls need and is faithful to provide. He also has the power to change hearts, to change my heart, and allow me to be more bold, giving and compassionate as I continue to learn how to love well.
Yesterday was one of the craziest days here. One of the girls here has been making violent threats to other girls and staff. She also was inappropriate most of the time and had earned herself over 80 work hours in consequences. She never acted out on the threats she made, but she wouldn't stop making them, so staff made a contract with her over the weekend. Yesterday, they told her she was being dismissed from the program. She was going to be allowed to stay until a more appropriate placement could be found, but she asked for them to call the cops, who came and took her to a hospital. The hospital wouldn't admit her, so last night I went with another Big to sign her in at another facility at 2:30 am. It was a strange experience to sign her paperwork and place her in the care of another place. I didn't feel like I had the authority to do such a thing, even though legally we are their 'guardians'. I am 22 - what do I know? I feel so unequipped and unqualified sometimes in what I am doing. We got back at almost 5 this morning, so I slept for a couple hours, then got to sleep again for four hours in the middle of the day.
I haven't really been able to process it all. It was really tough to watch everything happen. A lot of the girls were intimidated and afraid of the girl and were frustrated in the house. It was affecting them a lot, and even harmful at times. However, I had some great conversations with the girl who had to leave - one-on-one we got to talk a lot and she had great insight and was very loving. Around everyone as a group, she was a completely different person. It was hard to see the way she lied and manipulated things. When confronted individually, she would apologize and understood she was wrong, but later she would deny it. I feel confused, my heart hurts for her, because I know she is really struggling. I just pray the Lord will do an amazing work in her life and that she can get the help she needs. I was glad I could go see her last night to say good-bye, but I still don't know what to think about it all.
One of the girls graduated from the program this morning. She was a fun girl who I really enjoyed getting to know. She really encouraged me a lot and would give me huge hugs everyday and we had some really great conversations. She has been here 19 months, and I am really proud of her and excited for what she will do.
We are now down to 11 girls. The house seemed much calmer today and quieter, but its weird. There is a lot going on with everyone, Bigs and Littles, and I just pray that the Lord would unite us in it all. Sometimes I feel like we are so disconnected and trying to deal with everything on our own. I desire to see us truly learn how to love one another and support each other. I know I fail other people a lot, but I am seeking the Lord on what my role is here and how to best love the other Bigs, and the Littles as well.
I am a bit weary, but I also have hope in Christ. I feel weighed down at the moment to be honest, and discouraged. But I will cry out to Jesus and wait upon the Lord. He will be faithful to come, renew, restore and redeem. So I will wait...
Thank you for your continued encouragement and support. I love you all so much and thank the Lord for you and ways He pours His love on me through you. I would love to hear from you all. May you learn more of the grace of Christ in your own life. Even when things are rough, His grace is enough. Amen.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
You know my shame still You call me beautiful
Hello everyone! Sorry it has been awhile since my last post. Things around here can be crazy at times and are rather busy. I don't like how I feel disconnected from people back home while I am here, but I trust that the Lord holds us together even when we are apart!
After Beyond Week, there was one week of school for the Littles before Spring Break. We had another bad cutting incident that week, which was a bit traumatic for some of the girls. It's hard to see how one girl's actions affect the other girls so much. However, I know that the Lord is working in the midst of these difficult situations, its just hard to watch the girls wrestle with so much. I just pray that they come to know the Lord more and that He will grace them with understanding in their pain. I asked to speak in chapel - which happens Thursday mornings with the Littles, Bigs and staff. I was going to talk about being different, but I might talk about suffering and why God allows and sometimes brings difficulties into our lives. We shall see...
As for Spring Break, most of the girls went home for the 10 day break. Some stayed here though because they can't go home on the first break - so we had about 6-7 of the newer girls around property. I enjoyed taking some of the girls to the airport to drop them off! It was a fun time with them and I feel like a parent sorta. I was here for about 3 days of break. The first night we went to see The Princess and the Frog before everyone left and then we went out for pizza another night. One day we went roller skating, another day we were going to the zoo, but we couldn't find it, so we went downtown to a mall and then got ice cream. I left the next morning for my spring break and drove to Texas!!! :)
I spent the next 5 days in Texas visiting friends, celebrating my mom's birthday, enjoying all my favorite things in Austin - including going to Mt. Bonnell to spend some sweet time with the Lord. I even got to have lunch with one of the Littles who lives in Texas. The weather in Austin was so perfect and absolutely beautiful! The time I was able to spend with friends was so encouraging and such a blessing from the Lord. I got to see people I hadn't planned on and loved every minute! :) On Sunday I went to Austin Stone (oh how I miss that place & the people) and then drove up to Memphis. One of my friends from camp last summer happened to be there on a mission trip that week - so I met her at her hotel and caught up with her for a couple hours! I was so excited! Then, Monday was my brother's birthday, and also the day Aubrey, his wife and my amazing sister-in-law, was scheduled to be induced. I didn't get to spend much time with them unfortunately, and I left Memphis on Monday 2 hours before my nephew was born. BUT Bradley McKray Laws was born at 5:25pm and weighed 8 lbs 5 oz. Yay! So excited. I can't wait to meet him! Hopefully I can take a weekend off soon to go visit. I am so excited for my brother and sister and can't believe I am an aunt! :) My parents were in Memphis the same time, so I got to spend some good time with them. I love my family so much! My spring break was amazing and I praise God for it all!
Now I am back in Missouri and its been a bit rough getting back into the swing of things. The girls had a lot to talk about from break - and a lot of crazy things happened with things on property while I was gone, but I think I am used to things always being unpredictable. Thankfully, I feel pretty calm during things, though sometimes I question why I am so calm when everything around me is not - but I'm grateful for His peace that transcends understanding! :)
When I got back from break I found out that one of the Littles was leaving on Friday. On break her family decided she was ready to go home, and so they came to pick her up yesterday. She is an awesome girl who is so strong and really cares for all the Littles an Bigs around here. She is also so much fun and just great to have here. Thursday night we had a goodbye group for her, where we had a chance to tell her what she meant to us and she talked to everyone. It was a tearful time, but also filled with lots of laughter and love. She affirmed everyone in the house, which was so incredible. I am excited for her to go home because I know she is going to do great things, but she will also be greatly missed. It's hard to say good-bye, but I realize that will happen several times while I am here. You love and then have to let go - it hurts, but its the best way. Love hard, hurt hard - but its all worth it in the end.
Today its been snowing all day - crazy! The weather all week has been so pretty and beautiful - like spring! Until we got a lot of snow last night. Happy First Day of Spring with snow! I spent the morning taking all the recycling to the recycling center, going to Wal-Mart to pick things up for the girls, and then going to Walgreens to pick up meds. Now its nice to be inside and rest a little bit. :)
Thats a summary of things here - I probably missed some things because so much goes on everyday - I don't even know how to keep track of it all. Pray for the Lord to make Himself known here, and for the girls to come to know Him more. He is the only one who can make change happen and to really have an impact in the lives of everyone here. I know He is faithful and His love is what we all need. Also pray that God would really bring us together as Bigs. I miss you all! Thanks for your prayers, support and encouragement. I am so blessed by each one of you! Love.
After Beyond Week, there was one week of school for the Littles before Spring Break. We had another bad cutting incident that week, which was a bit traumatic for some of the girls. It's hard to see how one girl's actions affect the other girls so much. However, I know that the Lord is working in the midst of these difficult situations, its just hard to watch the girls wrestle with so much. I just pray that they come to know the Lord more and that He will grace them with understanding in their pain. I asked to speak in chapel - which happens Thursday mornings with the Littles, Bigs and staff. I was going to talk about being different, but I might talk about suffering and why God allows and sometimes brings difficulties into our lives. We shall see...
As for Spring Break, most of the girls went home for the 10 day break. Some stayed here though because they can't go home on the first break - so we had about 6-7 of the newer girls around property. I enjoyed taking some of the girls to the airport to drop them off! It was a fun time with them and I feel like a parent sorta. I was here for about 3 days of break. The first night we went to see The Princess and the Frog before everyone left and then we went out for pizza another night. One day we went roller skating, another day we were going to the zoo, but we couldn't find it, so we went downtown to a mall and then got ice cream. I left the next morning for my spring break and drove to Texas!!! :)
I spent the next 5 days in Texas visiting friends, celebrating my mom's birthday, enjoying all my favorite things in Austin - including going to Mt. Bonnell to spend some sweet time with the Lord. I even got to have lunch with one of the Littles who lives in Texas. The weather in Austin was so perfect and absolutely beautiful! The time I was able to spend with friends was so encouraging and such a blessing from the Lord. I got to see people I hadn't planned on and loved every minute! :) On Sunday I went to Austin Stone (oh how I miss that place & the people) and then drove up to Memphis. One of my friends from camp last summer happened to be there on a mission trip that week - so I met her at her hotel and caught up with her for a couple hours! I was so excited! Then, Monday was my brother's birthday, and also the day Aubrey, his wife and my amazing sister-in-law, was scheduled to be induced. I didn't get to spend much time with them unfortunately, and I left Memphis on Monday 2 hours before my nephew was born. BUT Bradley McKray Laws was born at 5:25pm and weighed 8 lbs 5 oz. Yay! So excited. I can't wait to meet him! Hopefully I can take a weekend off soon to go visit. I am so excited for my brother and sister and can't believe I am an aunt! :) My parents were in Memphis the same time, so I got to spend some good time with them. I love my family so much! My spring break was amazing and I praise God for it all!
Now I am back in Missouri and its been a bit rough getting back into the swing of things. The girls had a lot to talk about from break - and a lot of crazy things happened with things on property while I was gone, but I think I am used to things always being unpredictable. Thankfully, I feel pretty calm during things, though sometimes I question why I am so calm when everything around me is not - but I'm grateful for His peace that transcends understanding! :)
When I got back from break I found out that one of the Littles was leaving on Friday. On break her family decided she was ready to go home, and so they came to pick her up yesterday. She is an awesome girl who is so strong and really cares for all the Littles an Bigs around here. She is also so much fun and just great to have here. Thursday night we had a goodbye group for her, where we had a chance to tell her what she meant to us and she talked to everyone. It was a tearful time, but also filled with lots of laughter and love. She affirmed everyone in the house, which was so incredible. I am excited for her to go home because I know she is going to do great things, but she will also be greatly missed. It's hard to say good-bye, but I realize that will happen several times while I am here. You love and then have to let go - it hurts, but its the best way. Love hard, hurt hard - but its all worth it in the end.
Today its been snowing all day - crazy! The weather all week has been so pretty and beautiful - like spring! Until we got a lot of snow last night. Happy First Day of Spring with snow! I spent the morning taking all the recycling to the recycling center, going to Wal-Mart to pick things up for the girls, and then going to Walgreens to pick up meds. Now its nice to be inside and rest a little bit. :)
Thats a summary of things here - I probably missed some things because so much goes on everyday - I don't even know how to keep track of it all. Pray for the Lord to make Himself known here, and for the girls to come to know Him more. He is the only one who can make change happen and to really have an impact in the lives of everyone here. I know He is faithful and His love is what we all need. Also pray that God would really bring us together as Bigs. I miss you all! Thanks for your prayers, support and encouragement. I am so blessed by each one of you! Love.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
His compassions are new every morning
Right now I just want to praise God! The first two months I have been here I have felt distracted by personal struggles, brokenness, and confusion - but the Lord has been so faithful to bring healing and so much freedom. I can look back and praise Him for what He was doing, but in the midst of it all, I was quite a mess and sometimes in despair. Now I am excited and looking forward to what He has planned next! Hallelujah!
Last week for Beyond Week, I stayed here and we did some projects in the community. My group went to a local church and food distribution ministry. I made about 2,000 copies with one of my Littles for 2 days and put together information folders. It wasn't the most exciting job, but we got to talk a lot and I really enjoy her! She has been here for about 2 weeks now and has a lot of wisdom to offer the other girls. On Thursday and Friday last week, we went up to a camp called Gods Mountain, and helped them with construction and cleaning. It was nice to stay away for a night with the 7 other Bigs and 7 Littles that were here. Its crazy how the Lord has given me a special heart for them, and I laugh so much! I really do enjoy being here and am so blessed to have this opportunity.
One evening last week, I was hanging out with some of the girls in their room and started talking to one of them about God and what she thought about Him. Through our discussion, I just started sharing the gospel with her. She said she has gone to church, but after I talked about Christ and how we can have salvation through Him and how loved we are, she was so excited. She said she had never heard that before! It was so exciting, but also made me realize how foolish it is for me to assume people have heard the gospel. She said it was a lot to think about. I decided I wanted to take some girls and really dive into Scripture - so she is going to do it with me, along with one of the Littles in my room and another Little I've gotten closer to. I am looking forward to listening to what they learn from the Word and excited about what God is going to do! :) Please pray for wisdom and humility as we read the Word together, that the Lord would draw these girls to really know Him.
The rest of the people here went to El Paso on a mission trip last week. I heard some cool stories of things that happened, and 3 of the Littles got baptized! It sounds like they had a lot of fun - and I was a bit jealous they got to go to Texas! But Spring Break is next week and I am going to get to go home to Austin!!!! I cannot wait! I also will go to Memphis for a few days to see my new nephew! He isn't born yet, but any day now - and I am going to be an aunt!!!! What a precious blessing. :) I might also see one of the Littles here while I am on break in her hometown - which will be so fun! I also am looking forward to spending some good quality time with friends and family! I miss y'all so much. I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who are supporting and praying for me in this ministry. Thank you all so much! Be blessed and know you are loved!
Last week for Beyond Week, I stayed here and we did some projects in the community. My group went to a local church and food distribution ministry. I made about 2,000 copies with one of my Littles for 2 days and put together information folders. It wasn't the most exciting job, but we got to talk a lot and I really enjoy her! She has been here for about 2 weeks now and has a lot of wisdom to offer the other girls. On Thursday and Friday last week, we went up to a camp called Gods Mountain, and helped them with construction and cleaning. It was nice to stay away for a night with the 7 other Bigs and 7 Littles that were here. Its crazy how the Lord has given me a special heart for them, and I laugh so much! I really do enjoy being here and am so blessed to have this opportunity.
One evening last week, I was hanging out with some of the girls in their room and started talking to one of them about God and what she thought about Him. Through our discussion, I just started sharing the gospel with her. She said she has gone to church, but after I talked about Christ and how we can have salvation through Him and how loved we are, she was so excited. She said she had never heard that before! It was so exciting, but also made me realize how foolish it is for me to assume people have heard the gospel. She said it was a lot to think about. I decided I wanted to take some girls and really dive into Scripture - so she is going to do it with me, along with one of the Littles in my room and another Little I've gotten closer to. I am looking forward to listening to what they learn from the Word and excited about what God is going to do! :) Please pray for wisdom and humility as we read the Word together, that the Lord would draw these girls to really know Him.
The rest of the people here went to El Paso on a mission trip last week. I heard some cool stories of things that happened, and 3 of the Littles got baptized! It sounds like they had a lot of fun - and I was a bit jealous they got to go to Texas! But Spring Break is next week and I am going to get to go home to Austin!!!! I cannot wait! I also will go to Memphis for a few days to see my new nephew! He isn't born yet, but any day now - and I am going to be an aunt!!!! What a precious blessing. :) I might also see one of the Littles here while I am on break in her hometown - which will be so fun! I also am looking forward to spending some good quality time with friends and family! I miss y'all so much. I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who are supporting and praying for me in this ministry. Thank you all so much! Be blessed and know you are loved!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
its a brand new day - the sun is shining
I just finished another dinner shift tonight - but this time was sooo much better! :) I didn't feel stressed or overwhelmed at all, but really enjoyed the time I had in the kitchen. I worked with girls this time, and they worked hard, and I got to talk with them and encourage them, too. Dinner was on time and everything worked out well. Hallelujah!
This past weekend we had room changes. The girls had to follow string that was strung all over the house to find their room. It looked crazy when it was all set-up. The day was long as we all moved everything - some girls were excited, and a few were upset, but its working out. Two new girls came this week - so we are now up to 14 Littles. One of them is in my room, and I have loved getting to know her this week. I did math homework with her yesterday for two hours and have enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with her. Now my room is full with 2 Bigs and 2 Littles. :)
Next week is Beyond Week here, where the girls are challenged to go beyond what we do normally. Some of the Bigs and Littles are going on a mission trip to El Paso, Texas. Oh how I miss Texas! The rest of us will stay back and do work projects in the community, and go up to a nearby camp for two days to help them there. It will be different only having half the girls here, but I am looking forward to serving alongside the Littles. Pray that God would do big things in the hearts of these girls and really draw them close to Him.
I have been sick this week, and spent most of yesterday resting. I am starting to feel better though. I am taking this weekend off to go to a women's conference in Memphis. I will get to spend time with my whole family there as well! I am excited. :) I have an 8 hour drive there tomorrow and Sunday coming back, so I am looking forward to that, too. I love driving!!! :)
I continue to feel more comfortable here. I feel more a part of the group here now. It was interesting coming into a group where 8 of the Bigs had already been here 4 months. It was hard being one of the "newbies," but I feel like we are not so new anymore. As new Littles come and time passes, we fit right in. And now that we are kitchen trained, most of our training is complete!
The Lord continues to work in my heart. I felt really broken earlier this week, but I am learning that the Lord is the only thing that can satisfy me. It has been a hard process of learning and being broken, but I am so grateful for it all. Sometimes I think I am crazy, but I am who the Lord made me to be and well...I probably am a little crazy. :)
All that to say, I know the Lord is faithful. Pray that He would continue to work here and that we could keep Him at the center of everything we do. I pray you are all blessed and coming to know Him more. Feel free to call me or write me. I would love to hear from you!
This past weekend we had room changes. The girls had to follow string that was strung all over the house to find their room. It looked crazy when it was all set-up. The day was long as we all moved everything - some girls were excited, and a few were upset, but its working out. Two new girls came this week - so we are now up to 14 Littles. One of them is in my room, and I have loved getting to know her this week. I did math homework with her yesterday for two hours and have enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with her. Now my room is full with 2 Bigs and 2 Littles. :)
Next week is Beyond Week here, where the girls are challenged to go beyond what we do normally. Some of the Bigs and Littles are going on a mission trip to El Paso, Texas. Oh how I miss Texas! The rest of us will stay back and do work projects in the community, and go up to a nearby camp for two days to help them there. It will be different only having half the girls here, but I am looking forward to serving alongside the Littles. Pray that God would do big things in the hearts of these girls and really draw them close to Him.
I have been sick this week, and spent most of yesterday resting. I am starting to feel better though. I am taking this weekend off to go to a women's conference in Memphis. I will get to spend time with my whole family there as well! I am excited. :) I have an 8 hour drive there tomorrow and Sunday coming back, so I am looking forward to that, too. I love driving!!! :)
I continue to feel more comfortable here. I feel more a part of the group here now. It was interesting coming into a group where 8 of the Bigs had already been here 4 months. It was hard being one of the "newbies," but I feel like we are not so new anymore. As new Littles come and time passes, we fit right in. And now that we are kitchen trained, most of our training is complete!
The Lord continues to work in my heart. I felt really broken earlier this week, but I am learning that the Lord is the only thing that can satisfy me. It has been a hard process of learning and being broken, but I am so grateful for it all. Sometimes I think I am crazy, but I am who the Lord made me to be and well...I probably am a little crazy. :)
All that to say, I know the Lord is faithful. Pray that He would continue to work here and that we could keep Him at the center of everything we do. I pray you are all blessed and coming to know Him more. Feel free to call me or write me. I would love to hear from you!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
perfect love drives out fear
Last night I hit the highest point of frustration in my time being here - my first observation shift in the kitchen! :) As Bigs, we are responsible for working in the kitchen. We are responsible for preparing breakfast everyday and cleaning up after, serving lunch and then cleaning, and then preparing dinner and cleaning the entire kitchen and dining hall. The kitchen is a large, industrial kitchen with a good size dining hall. I've been learning what all the responsibilities of the kitchen are over the past few weeks. The kitchen manager here works really hard and we have to meet government standards for everything. So the work in the kitchen is tedious and extensive. Last week I did breakfast all week with another Big, but it wasn't too bad - I actually really enjoyed it. Monday and Friday we have hot breakfast, and are in the kitchen by 6:30 am making food. We made bacon and eggs one morning, and then muffins. The other morning we get to the kitchen at 7:15 am to serve cold breakfast, like cereal, yogurt, bagels, etc. We have to count everything we serve and measure it, There is a lot to remember so I won't explain it all - its a complicated process. And then there is dinner...
Dinner involves 2 Big and 3 Littles each night. Last night was my first time, and the kitchen manager was there to help observe and coach us in what to do. We have to make dinner, clean/sanitize every surface, scrub, rinse and mop the entire floor, clean the bathrooms - everything needs to be spotless. At the same time, there are Littles who can help, but we have to watch them and make sure they do it right and just get to know them. I like hanging out with the Littles and don't mind cooking or cleaning, but I didn't know where anything was, have no flow of how to get everything done, I worked with guy Littles who I don't know very well, and the guy Big who worked with me was on his training shift, too. Needless to say, I felt overwhelmed. Dinner was 20 minutes late, the Littles weren't excited about working and I had to consequence one of them for using inappropriate language...it was stressful. I wanted to break down and cry, but I didn't somehow. Afterwards, the kitchen manager coached us, encouraged us in what we did and showed us where we went wrong. I got to the kitchen at 4:30 and left at 8:40...with my plate of dinner I didn't eat when we served cause I wasn't hungry from being stressed. I have another observation shift next week. Hopefully it will go better. I just need to be patient with myself as I learn it all and I think I will eventually enjoy it. I mean we can play music the whole time - and if I have good music - then whatever I am doing is usually good. :) I also remind myself of Colossians 3:23-24 - "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." I remember my mom putting that verse on our chore chart growing up - comes in great handy now. Thanks Mom! :)
We have rooms changes on Saturday. I am moving across the hall to a room with another Big and one Little. We have a new Little coming next Wednesday, and she could possibly be in our room, too. I think I would like that a lot, but we will see. Room changes could be a bit crazy and intense - I think some girls are going to be frustrated...but I know God has a purpose in it all - but I am worried about how some of the girls will respond. They know we are changing rooms, they just don't know who they are with yet. Change is hard, too, but I know the Lord works in it all.
As for my heart, I feel strengthened and renewed. However, I see areas of fear that hold me back. I have been learning how God desires me to be who He created me to be - to not hide parts of who I am because I am afraid of how people will respond. I have felt comfortable here, but I haven't fully been all that the Lord has made me to be. I have tried to contain my passion and depth, which I think needed to happen at first - the Lord has taught me a lot about myself and I think I needed that time to deepen my security in Him. I feel like I need to step up though and really allow Him to use me and all He has made me to be. I feel like I need to stop holding myself back and allow my heart to love deeply, to speak the truth and wisdom the Lord has given to me, and to freely be all I am in Christ. The Lord has created me to be deep, passionate, and loving. He has given me wisdom, discernment, and truth - which I need to speak.
I kinda feel like the Lord is calling me to be a leader. I am comfortable as a follower. I like to have someone to look up to who I try to be like and seek for what I am supposed to do and for feedback on how I am doing. I have been blessed by people the Lord has brought into my life to teach me and lead me towards Him, showing me more of who He is and how to be like Him. However, He has taken those away from me, and I am left with only Him to look at - which is how it should be. He has been teaching me how to look only to Him now to follow and to know how to be like Him. There are people here who I have been learning from, who speak truth and wisdom and encourage me. People reflect God, but it is only a poor reflection and so I need to look directly at Christ. I have been reading the gospels more lately and examining more of who Christ is and how He leads His disciples and interacts with people. It's been incredible...
And I think He wants me to step up and lead. I mean I am in LeadTime. Now is the time to lead right? But that scares me...and leaves me with so many questions and doubts. I think one struggle is having confidence and courage to do so - but He has faithfully been growing me in confidence in Him. And then I am afraid of becoming prideful in that - like who do I think I am that I can lead? There are Bigs that have been here for 6 months - I have been here 1 1/2 months. How am I qualified? What do I know? There is a lot of responsibility in being a leader - what if I lead people the wrong way or wrong direction? I think of Moses in this, and Jeremiah. Moses didn't understand God when He spoke that to Him, and Jeremiah questioned God when He told him to speak. But God used them in mighty ways to lead His people. The people didn't always respond well to them - which is another fear I have. Giving consequences to the girls is not fun. So far when I try to redirect them in inappropriate conversations, or correct them on something - they usually get frustrated and upset. But I know I need to seek the Lord and follow Him and be obedient. I have been placed in authority over them, which I need to embrace, but I also want to love them and let them know I care. I have been learning that discipline is a form of love if its done right, and I pray that the Lord will teach more how to love like He does. If He calls me to lead, He will provide what I need. So I pray for clarity, discernment, wisdom and boldness. Sometimes I feel like I have no clue what I am doing...but I just need to trust and follow Christ. I have been reflecting a lot on God's love, and it has been healing and freeing.
Thanks for reading my blog. I have been so encouraged by prayers, letters, phone calls, messages and texts from y'all. The Lord is faithful, and I know He has great things in store. I pray that you may be blessed wherever you are and know more of the Lord's deep love for you. May Christ be glorified in all things! Hallelujah and amen. :)
Dinner involves 2 Big and 3 Littles each night. Last night was my first time, and the kitchen manager was there to help observe and coach us in what to do. We have to make dinner, clean/sanitize every surface, scrub, rinse and mop the entire floor, clean the bathrooms - everything needs to be spotless. At the same time, there are Littles who can help, but we have to watch them and make sure they do it right and just get to know them. I like hanging out with the Littles and don't mind cooking or cleaning, but I didn't know where anything was, have no flow of how to get everything done, I worked with guy Littles who I don't know very well, and the guy Big who worked with me was on his training shift, too. Needless to say, I felt overwhelmed. Dinner was 20 minutes late, the Littles weren't excited about working and I had to consequence one of them for using inappropriate language...it was stressful. I wanted to break down and cry, but I didn't somehow. Afterwards, the kitchen manager coached us, encouraged us in what we did and showed us where we went wrong. I got to the kitchen at 4:30 and left at 8:40...with my plate of dinner I didn't eat when we served cause I wasn't hungry from being stressed. I have another observation shift next week. Hopefully it will go better. I just need to be patient with myself as I learn it all and I think I will eventually enjoy it. I mean we can play music the whole time - and if I have good music - then whatever I am doing is usually good. :) I also remind myself of Colossians 3:23-24 - "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." I remember my mom putting that verse on our chore chart growing up - comes in great handy now. Thanks Mom! :)
We have rooms changes on Saturday. I am moving across the hall to a room with another Big and one Little. We have a new Little coming next Wednesday, and she could possibly be in our room, too. I think I would like that a lot, but we will see. Room changes could be a bit crazy and intense - I think some girls are going to be frustrated...but I know God has a purpose in it all - but I am worried about how some of the girls will respond. They know we are changing rooms, they just don't know who they are with yet. Change is hard, too, but I know the Lord works in it all.
As for my heart, I feel strengthened and renewed. However, I see areas of fear that hold me back. I have been learning how God desires me to be who He created me to be - to not hide parts of who I am because I am afraid of how people will respond. I have felt comfortable here, but I haven't fully been all that the Lord has made me to be. I have tried to contain my passion and depth, which I think needed to happen at first - the Lord has taught me a lot about myself and I think I needed that time to deepen my security in Him. I feel like I need to step up though and really allow Him to use me and all He has made me to be. I feel like I need to stop holding myself back and allow my heart to love deeply, to speak the truth and wisdom the Lord has given to me, and to freely be all I am in Christ. The Lord has created me to be deep, passionate, and loving. He has given me wisdom, discernment, and truth - which I need to speak.
I kinda feel like the Lord is calling me to be a leader. I am comfortable as a follower. I like to have someone to look up to who I try to be like and seek for what I am supposed to do and for feedback on how I am doing. I have been blessed by people the Lord has brought into my life to teach me and lead me towards Him, showing me more of who He is and how to be like Him. However, He has taken those away from me, and I am left with only Him to look at - which is how it should be. He has been teaching me how to look only to Him now to follow and to know how to be like Him. There are people here who I have been learning from, who speak truth and wisdom and encourage me. People reflect God, but it is only a poor reflection and so I need to look directly at Christ. I have been reading the gospels more lately and examining more of who Christ is and how He leads His disciples and interacts with people. It's been incredible...
And I think He wants me to step up and lead. I mean I am in LeadTime. Now is the time to lead right? But that scares me...and leaves me with so many questions and doubts. I think one struggle is having confidence and courage to do so - but He has faithfully been growing me in confidence in Him. And then I am afraid of becoming prideful in that - like who do I think I am that I can lead? There are Bigs that have been here for 6 months - I have been here 1 1/2 months. How am I qualified? What do I know? There is a lot of responsibility in being a leader - what if I lead people the wrong way or wrong direction? I think of Moses in this, and Jeremiah. Moses didn't understand God when He spoke that to Him, and Jeremiah questioned God when He told him to speak. But God used them in mighty ways to lead His people. The people didn't always respond well to them - which is another fear I have. Giving consequences to the girls is not fun. So far when I try to redirect them in inappropriate conversations, or correct them on something - they usually get frustrated and upset. But I know I need to seek the Lord and follow Him and be obedient. I have been placed in authority over them, which I need to embrace, but I also want to love them and let them know I care. I have been learning that discipline is a form of love if its done right, and I pray that the Lord will teach more how to love like He does. If He calls me to lead, He will provide what I need. So I pray for clarity, discernment, wisdom and boldness. Sometimes I feel like I have no clue what I am doing...but I just need to trust and follow Christ. I have been reflecting a lot on God's love, and it has been healing and freeing.
Thanks for reading my blog. I have been so encouraged by prayers, letters, phone calls, messages and texts from y'all. The Lord is faithful, and I know He has great things in store. I pray that you may be blessed wherever you are and know more of the Lord's deep love for you. May Christ be glorified in all things! Hallelujah and amen. :)
There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear...
1 John 4:18
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