Sunday, October 11, 2009

shall what is formed say to Him who made it, "why did You make me like this?"

I am such a mess like always. There are so many things in life that I don't understand. And for some reason, I think about those things a lot. I am partially crazy. Or completely...

The past few weeks have been hard. This past week I was at my internship late one night, and the girls dorm was so dramatic. One girl had a breakdown and wanted to leave - just overwhelmed by being at residential treatment. Which I think is very understandable. I sat with her for a long time, but felt very ineffective, and after awhile was encouraged by one of the counselors to just leave her alone for awhile so she wouldn't work herself into a panic attack. It was hard to do, but I did. Later, two girls were so mad at each other they were screaming and cussing each other out...I think they would have hit each other if they weren't in separate rooms. Another girl was hurting herself and had to be in arm's reach of staff at all times. I felt at peace during this whole time, amazingly, and tried to help one of the other girl's with her math homework, though she was frustrated by all the drama. I left and just felt like I had no idea what to do in a situation like that, and realized that I am going to live more of that all next year. And I am looking forward to learning how to respond to all those things.

LeadTime is in less than 3 months. I am excited about it. Every person I have told about it has encouraged me and affirmed me so much. I love deeply and passionately. I don't understand why and who I am often doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes I hate how I care so much and how deeply I feel and think about things. I wish I was different, less serious, more fun and outgoing. And I know that I can have fun and joke around, but I know that I am deep. Which sometimes people say they admire...but sometimes - I don't like it. Yes I love deeply and think deeply - but I also hurt deeply. And people misunderstand me. And its hard because the people I have been close friends with in my life end up feeling overwhelmed, guilty in our friendship, like they aren't enough. They don't know what to do with me, and honestly - I don't either. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. And I feel ashamed. So it makes me sad. And frustrated. I just want to be able to love people and not feel like a freak. Because I feel that way sometimes...but the Lord is faithful to work in me and I need to seek Him and trust Him in all things. And I think that He is hurt when I think that I am a freak. And I've gotten frustrated with God before about my depth and asked Him why He made me this way. I clearly don't understand. And I need to be humbled to trust the Lord and know that He has a purpose and plan for me, that He thinks I am beautiful and precious.

But I am not there quite yet...I am still wrestling with who I am. I know I am a sinner and I want to pursue holiness and being conformed into the image of Christ. I also am made in the image and likeness of God to reflect His glory. How the Lord has made me, I have no idea. Who He has made me to be - I am still figuring that out. But I feel like my depth and passion to love may finally make sense when I go to LeadTime - at least I hope so. I just want somewhere to belong and not feel so different. I mean I have lots of friends in my life who I am so blessed by and grateful for, and love very much - too much I guess. I don't know...I am struggling, and thats okay. His grace is sufficient. And I am tired of hiding my brokenness and pretending like everything is okay and I have it all together. Because I am not. I am broken and confused and don't have it figured out or know all the answers. But I do have peace that transcends understanding. And I do know that I am loved by Christ and that He will be faithful to complete the work He began in me, is holding everything together and works for good in all things. And so I can wake up in the morning with joy in my heart and know that Jesus takes delight in me because thats who He is. And that is really all that matters. I can know Christ, and He knows me. And still loves me. Praise the Lord! And the Lord is in control and so I simply rest in His mercy love and grace - in His arms. And He never lets go, and understands me even when I don't understand myself. And I find so much comfort in that. Amen.

1 comment:

  1. You are amazing and in obedience to God, a rare woman of such beauty that far too few know how to appreciate. 1 Peter 1:22 says "Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your borthers (and sisters), love one another deeply from the heart." And 1 Peter 4:8: "Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins." Never give up on who God has created you to be. ckl