I broke down today on the way home from my internship. Actually, every Thursday I have cried once I got into my car to leave. I was expecting it. But the tears are so good and healing. I am sad and broken. I am the most tired on Thursdays. I work until 9pm on Wednesday nights, then don't get home until later and wake up at 5:45am Thursday mornings. I feel like I just go home to sleep and come back. And so I think I am so tired on Thursdays that I finally allow myself to feel everything going on. I feel overwhelmed by everything around me. It is a whole new world to me. Here I am at a residential treatment center for drug addiction and I don't know much about drugs and have never done them. I don't like to take cold medicine anymore because I hate how it makes me feel. So I don't really know how to relate on that level - but I know drug addiction goes deeper than that. And then I still am trying to get comfortable with other staff. I just don't really offer much of myself yet. I mean I like the people I work with, I am still learning what professional relationships look like. I don't think I will like that kind of relationship though - I like personal relationships the best and think they are all that way since we are all people. But thats a whole other story...
We are all so broken. Everywhere I look I see depression, anxiety, fear, shame, pain, bitterness, hurt. There is abuse, drugs, suicide, other addictions, loneliness. I see it in myself, too. And I see all this and my heart is broken, but not heavy. I know there is hope. I know that Christ can heal. He is mighty to save. His grace has changed my life. The truth of who He is, what He has done and His words have brought so much freedom and peace to my life. However, I am not always sure how to communicate that to the people around me. It's challenging when they mock Christianity and seem so resistant to it. And I honestly fear how they may respond to me, but more so want to represent the truth and gospel of grace - for them to know a God of compassion and mercy, not one of condemnation. I want others to know Christ, to know the Healer. And so I just am praying right now for wisdom and boldness on how to love like He does, and how to shine a light in such a dark world, how to offer healing to the hurting and broken. What to speak of the truth, for opportunities to speak the gospel, and for God to soften hearts to know Him. And I am learning how to accept His grace myself. I am in process, and its hard, but I praise the Lord for it all. Everyday is a new day, and I thank God for all that is happening because I know He will work for good in all things, and be faithful to complete the work He began in me. He is faithful in all things, and His love never fails. And that is what I cling to. He is my strength. Amen.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26
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