Tuesday, May 4, 2010

hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me

I am hurting and struggling a lot right now. I am just going to be honest and say I don't think I have ever been so broken as I have been here these past four months. I feel like everyday the Lord strips me down and I realize I have nothing to hide behind, nothing to cling to - I am completely empty with nothing - except for Him. He is still there, somewhere inside, working deeper than I understand, doing something to take the mess I feel that I am and turning it into something beautiful. But I often can't see in the struggle...and I have to really stop and step back, breathe, rest and surrender.

On Sunday, some clouds were darkening and I just wanted to lay down and let the rain fall on me. And so a few hours later it started to rain. I laid out on the back porch of our house and let the cool rain fall down on me. It was refreshing, especially to have the drops fall on my faces. They were like little kisses from heaven, as the Lord dropped each drop, similar to the tears that rolled down my cheeks. It was as if the Lord was going to cry with me, He understands my pain, and His raindrops outnumber my tears by far. The power I could feel in the thunder was a comfort, and the lightning flashing across the sky was beautiful. It was a divine beautiful moment.

After a few minutes, I didn't want to get soaked, so I curled up in the corner of the porch where it is covered and simply watched the rain fall. I felt safe and secure, thinking about how God is our refuge and place to hide even in the midst of the storms of life. After the rain stopped, the sun came out, shining warm and bright. There is hope. There is a coming joy. Healing will come. He is the God of all comfort.

Parent's Weekend went well. One of the guy Littles graduated and it was awesome to see him and to know that the Lord has the power to transform lives. It is only by His power that we can be changed, healed, made new. I think parents were encouraged. It was fun to see Littles with their families. I felt a lot of the emotion of everything. There is still a lot of hurt and pain. Broken people, broken families. I wept several times throughout the weekend. My heart is so tired. But I know God is faithful to His promises, and it is His hope I cling to, and Christ alone that keeps me going. In my moments of weakness, I feel so completely helpless, vulnerable, and exposed. I just think of the words of Christ talking to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness." I pray that the power of Christ is revealed in my weakness. Only by His amazing grace. Grace that I am so desperate for. I just beg God for His grace to fall on me like rain. :)

The past few days I have felt so openly broken. Its hard to hide the tears I so easily shed. One of the other Bigs here told me that is her favorite thing about me. Oh man! I have felt really blessed and encouraged by others here lately. As I have let them see my brokenness, several of the other Bigs have really come around me, to encourage me, just sit with me, pray for me. It has meant so much to me and been such an answer to prayer. Being here can be really challenging for all of us and we can't do it alone. We were created for community - to worship God together, to remind each other of the truth of the gospel everyday, to build each other up and spur one another on. And I have learned more of the importance of that here. Before I always wanted community - now I realize how badly I need it. I need other people to point out where I am wrong, to help me when I struggle, and to point me back to grace and to Christ. I pray I am able to do the same for others. I know I have so much more to learn and more that God wants to do in me, but today I want to rest. I want to be still and praise God for who He is, for His faithfulness, to trust so deeply in my heart that I am loved and accepted by Him because of who Christ is - not because of anything I do or don't do. I want to enjoy God - all that He is. Just to be with Him and laugh and fall more in love with Him. So off I go to a park soon to enjoy this beautiful day that He has made!

Thank you so much for your prayers, love, encouragement and support. I cannot express how much it means to me. May you be blessed today and rest in the amazing love and grace of our Perfect Savior Jesus Christ! :)


  1. I love you, precious sister. Even though we really don't know-know each other, your heart for the Lord precedes you. Your honest brokenness and surrender to our Awesome God is beyond beautiful. I want to sit with you in the quite and listen to your heart troubles, pray with you, and just plain love on you - know that I think of you often, which leads to praying for you often. If you can bless my life as much as you do through your blog posts, be encouraged that you must be blessings those around you even more...there's no way you can't be.

    "He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds YOU have been HEALED." - 1 Peter 2:24. I love the promise this verse brings, it's one that reminds me that there is always healing our Savior, He paid it all for us and so we can always find rest in Him.

    Be blessed, lovely. Praying for you.

  2. But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. Malachi 4:2

    Healing rain is coming down...it's coming closer to the lost and found...tears of joy, and tears of shame...are washed forever in Jesus' name. MWS

    Love you so much, Lisa. I feel your pain and want so much to take it away but I know He is with you and will be the one who does that. Praying for you each and every day - for healing, for love, for joy.