the more i know, the less i understand

I hope you are all enjoying your summer! It is hot and humid here - but we get to go to the pool most days which is nice. The summer schedule is a bit crazier than during the school year here. As Bigs, we plans more activities with the Littles and have less time off each day. That has been a bit challenging for me these past few weeks. I realized how much I need alone time to really be still and process things and re-energize. I have felt pretty good for the most part, but I also feel like I've just been going with the flow of everything and haven't stopped much to really know what is going on deeper inside. I also feel like I am becoming a little too comfortable where I am, and now is the time to be challenged.

Just some rambling about what I've been thinking about the past few days...

I've been praying for discernment lately. I have so many questions about the way things should be - especially relationships. I want to find the balance that brings the most glory to God. I know we are called to live in community and have interdependent relationships. I don't know exactly what that looks like. I have seen myself become too dependent in relationships, and then also isolate myself and not allow people in. I want to find a healthy balance. As I am learning that only the Lord can satisfy all the desires in my heart, I am wrestling to understand where my relationships with people fit into all of this. Jesus prays that we would be one as He and the Father are one. So what does that mean for us?

I'm wrestling with what my relationships with other Bigs and Littles should look like. Its easy to want to look at the relationships other Bigs have with the Littles and think mine should look like theirs. But we are all different and have different personalities. I know I long for depth, however I want to meet people where they are. I know I can sometimes intimidate or overwhelm people with my depth, and so I think I have held that back more now. I really want to surrender who I am to Christ and allow Him to show me how to be all I am and use the gifts He has given me for His glory. I think it is more of a moment by moment dependence on Him than knowing exactly what it looks like and going for that. Every relationship is different, and situations are different. There are no formulas, these are relationships. I think there is this mystery to relationships. I think it adds to the beauty of them, but it can also be hard. They take patience, forgiveness, communication and listening. I love listening to other people, asking questions and hearing their hearts. I also feel so loved when people ask me good questions and really are interested in what I have to say. To be loved is to be known...

I had an evaluation last week with the LeadTime directors, intern and one of our house directors. We talked about areas I can grow and what some of my strengths are. It was an encouraging time and I felt known and loved as they affirmed who I am and challenged me in different areas. One ways I was challenged was to offer my heart more and my perspective. I wrestle with this a lot. Sometimes I feel like my heart is too much to handle and don't want to offer it in fear it will be rejected or overwhelm people. I feel deeply and can be very passionate about things. I don't always like to feel that way or show it because its so deep - which means I am capable of hurting deeply as well. I want to be all the Lord created me to be, and I know that involves my depth and what people have described as an extra big heart. I don't know what to do with it most of the time. It's easier sometimes to not allow myself to care so deeply, but I don't want what's easy - I just want what will draw me closer to the Lord. I also want to be closer to other people, too. I say that, but when it comes to being vulnerable and sharing my heart, I often choose the safe route of being quiet and simply thinking about things before I take action. Love is a risk. I want to love well. C.S. Lewis says, "To love at all is to be vulnerable." I think that's true. I pray that Love will teach me how to love like He did - His vulnerability exposed on the cross, the depth of His love, the intensity of the pain He experienced so we could know Him. That is the only motivation to truly love even in the face of the heartache. Love is hard. I don't understand it a lot. Lord, teach me how to love. Amen.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. I pray you would know more of His love today!