Your love sets me free

Hey everyone! I hope you are doing well. :) Today is the first day of pre-summer break and so most of the girls are leaving today and tomorrow to go home for some time with their family and friends. Most of them are really excited to go home!

And I am also driving home to Austin tomorrow - so excited! :D The fun part about driving is that I can also make some stops and see people along the way - like in Oklahoma or Dallas! I'm looking forward to catching up with friends, enjoying the city of Austin, visiting camp (I miss T Bar M!) and spending some quality time with my incredible family. Mmm yes I am so pumped about this next week!

I am happy! And I feel so free. Hallelujah! The Lord has been doing some serious healing in my heart and it has been awesome to really experience ways I knew the gospel intellectually finally play out in my heart and mind and bring much more peace and freedom. I feel so much more secure in who I am in Christ. I feel confident and can rest in the grace of Christ and His unfailing love & forgiveness because of the cross. Even this past week I have made mistakes and felt like such a mess at times, but I have been able to just laugh and be okay with it. I am learning not to take myself so seriously. But I am serious about how amazing Jesus is! :) And how the gospel has the power to transform lives. 

I went on Wednesday to drop one of the girls off at the airport. It was kinda stressful for her - I was fine but she was a bit worried about being late and missing her plane and whatnot. This was one of the times I felt like a mess. ;) She got on the plane just fine, and then as I was walking back, someone said my name in the airport and one of the pastors from Austin Stone was in the airport! It was so crazy. I then found out that the pastor of the church I go to here, Redeemer Fellowship, is good friends with another pastor at Austin Stone! It was so encouraging, just to realize these connections, and feel like a part of the body of Christ transcending different cities. Thank you Lord for Your sweet reminder in that way! 

We had to say good-bye to 2 girls this week. One was the girl who was going to be in my room. We all cried as we hugged her good-bye. Another girl turned 18 a couple months ago and made a deal with her parents to leave at the end of the school year. So she went home yesterday. We now have only 8 girls here, but may get a few more this summer. We don't know really. I think I have learned to let go a lot here, because the only thing you can count on is change. People come and go. Emotions are constantly changing. Plans change, the weather is crazy. The only constant is Christ, and as I have learned to cling to Him, I am okay if everything is chaotic. Christ is the only constant in our ever-changing lives. I had a friend write that one time - and its been something I have come to find so true. Praise God for His peace that transcends understanding. 

Summer schedule looks a bit different. The kids only go to school for half the day, and then we plan different activities in the evening. I am in charge of game night every Monday, but I am most excited about Tuesday! We get to do Bible study with the girls every Tuesday - and I think it might be my favorite! Friday we get to teach them some class - and I think I might be helping with guitar - even though I will be learning myself! I am hoping this summer will be fun and look forward to what God has planned.

I am blessed. The Lord is faithful, and His love never changes. Christ has come to set us free and we are free indeed. Thank you all for you continual prayers, encouragement and love! It is a joy to know you and to celebrate who Christ is together and we seek to glorify Him with our lives! Much love to you all - and Happy Summer! :)

this is where the healing begins

It has been a few weeks since my last update. Sorry for that! It is easy to be consumed by this place. The month of May has seemed to fly by! This Saturday starts my pre-summer break and I will get to go home for a few days and I am so excited!

About 2 weeks ago, we took everyone up to Camp Galilee, a camp about 2 1/2 hours away. We spent time doing work projects, had a campfire, worship, teams where we played crazy games, made up skits, and did team building activities together. It was great to get to build relationships more with some of the kids and to get away from property. It rained a lot during our time there...and several of us came back with poison ivy! And I am pretty allergic to it!!!! I am on meds for it now, so hopefully it will go away soon. Having poison ivy just reminded me of the broken relationship we have with creation because of the fall...yes that is how I think. :) But it makes me excited for God's restoration of all things!

Last weekend I flew home to be in a good friend's wedding. It was such a nice trip and fun to get to celebrate marriage with her and stand beside her at the ceremony. I am excited for how God is going to work in their lives and through their marriage for His glory! Its a fun time to celebrate the incredible love of Christ and His covenant with us. And it seems like so many people are getting married or engaged lately...I feel like I am out of the loop being here though - and not at that place yet. But at the same time, the Lord has been showing me so much in my relationship with Him, how marriage reflects that, and how He wants to change my heart and realize that the greatest source of intimacy and satisfaction is found in Christ and Christ alone. He is the source of love and affection, and He is deepening my roots in His love so I can stand firm in Him - which I am so excited about!!! I have felt so broken here, and I finally feel like He is really beginning to heal me at such a deep level. Hallelujah! I feel a new freedom, a new joy, a new peace. But it is also just the beginning and I know He has much more work to do, but overall - I am pumped!

I have been listening to the new Tenth Avenue North cd a lot lately. Oh my! One of the most healing things I have ever listened to. Music tends to be the language of my heart - songs lyrics are, too. I think that is why I love the psalms so much. But the lyrics on their album are raw, real, and honest. And I love it! Megan, one of the other Bigs with whom I have developed a good friendship with here, picked me up at the airport last Sunday and played a song for me that had my name written all over it. I wept of course, but absolutely loved the truth and felt so encouraged. I bought the cd for myself, and every song has some truth I need to hear. It is sweet sounds to my soul! :)

Sometimes I feel so exhausted here in every way possible. And I feel like I shut down and turn off in a way. Which I hate. I realized that beneath all of this my heart hurts and I am sad. However, I don't always have the opportunity to feel this hurt and pain and let it out. I try to deal with it in my mind, but sometimes I just need to cry and really feel the hurt. If I don't, I start to feel not much of anything and become hardened. There is so much pain and hurt here. But - I have been spurred to pray harder for Christ to make Himself known and pour out His mercy and healing. He can heal. He wants to heal our hearts and set us free from the things that hold us captive. Isaiah 61 is a perfect display of that. I long so desperately for these girls to truly know Christ and to experience the depths of His love, grace, acceptance and healing. I know our healing won't be complete until Christ comes back, but I hope and pray for God to be glorified here. In the mean time, I am praying and seeking for wisdom and discernment on how the Lord wants me to be involved in that. I know He is faithful and He is enough.

All that to say - life here is never the same with each moment. Last week we had another cutting incident. I don't understand why that happens and its heartbreaking to see. She might not be coming back sadly. I was able to visit her yesterday, and I just wanted to cry with her. I just pray she will know how deeply loved she is.

We also had room changes this past weekend as well. Things are always changing, and I miss home a lot, too. I am coming to rest secure in Christ, the only constant in the chaos. He is our only hope, but He is also alive and can do immeasurable more than we could ever ask or imagine! And I am ready to see Him work. He has strengthened my faith and deepened my desire for Him. I love the Lord oh so much! Because He has such great affection for me, it sometimes overwhelms me and I just weep. Oh how He loves!!! I pray that you would know more of Christ's love for you today!!! I love you all and miss you so much. I would love to hear from you and know how I can be praying. I am so grateful for all of your encouragement, prayers and support. I am so blessed by the way the Lord has loved me through y'all. Grace and peace to you all! :)

hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me

I am hurting and struggling a lot right now. I am just going to be honest and say I don't think I have ever been so broken as I have been here these past four months. I feel like everyday the Lord strips me down and I realize I have nothing to hide behind, nothing to cling to - I am completely empty with nothing - except for Him. He is still there, somewhere inside, working deeper than I understand, doing something to take the mess I feel that I am and turning it into something beautiful. But I often can't see in the struggle...and I have to really stop and step back, breathe, rest and surrender.

On Sunday, some clouds were darkening and I just wanted to lay down and let the rain fall on me. And so a few hours later it started to rain. I laid out on the back porch of our house and let the cool rain fall down on me. It was refreshing, especially to have the drops fall on my faces. They were like little kisses from heaven, as the Lord dropped each drop, similar to the tears that rolled down my cheeks. It was as if the Lord was going to cry with me, He understands my pain, and His raindrops outnumber my tears by far. The power I could feel in the thunder was a comfort, and the lightning flashing across the sky was beautiful. It was a divine beautiful moment.

After a few minutes, I didn't want to get soaked, so I curled up in the corner of the porch where it is covered and simply watched the rain fall. I felt safe and secure, thinking about how God is our refuge and place to hide even in the midst of the storms of life. After the rain stopped, the sun came out, shining warm and bright. There is hope. There is a coming joy. Healing will come. He is the God of all comfort.

Parent's Weekend went well. One of the guy Littles graduated and it was awesome to see him and to know that the Lord has the power to transform lives. It is only by His power that we can be changed, healed, made new. I think parents were encouraged. It was fun to see Littles with their families. I felt a lot of the emotion of everything. There is still a lot of hurt and pain. Broken people, broken families. I wept several times throughout the weekend. My heart is so tired. But I know God is faithful to His promises, and it is His hope I cling to, and Christ alone that keeps me going. In my moments of weakness, I feel so completely helpless, vulnerable, and exposed. I just think of the words of Christ talking to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness." I pray that the power of Christ is revealed in my weakness. Only by His amazing grace. Grace that I am so desperate for. I just beg God for His grace to fall on me like rain. :)

The past few days I have felt so openly broken. Its hard to hide the tears I so easily shed. One of the other Bigs here told me that is her favorite thing about me. Oh man! I have felt really blessed and encouraged by others here lately. As I have let them see my brokenness, several of the other Bigs have really come around me, to encourage me, just sit with me, pray for me. It has meant so much to me and been such an answer to prayer. Being here can be really challenging for all of us and we can't do it alone. We were created for community - to worship God together, to remind each other of the truth of the gospel everyday, to build each other up and spur one another on. And I have learned more of the importance of that here. Before I always wanted community - now I realize how badly I need it. I need other people to point out where I am wrong, to help me when I struggle, and to point me back to grace and to Christ. I pray I am able to do the same for others. I know I have so much more to learn and more that God wants to do in me, but today I want to rest. I want to be still and praise God for who He is, for His faithfulness, to trust so deeply in my heart that I am loved and accepted by Him because of who Christ is - not because of anything I do or don't do. I want to enjoy God - all that He is. Just to be with Him and laugh and fall more in love with Him. So off I go to a park soon to enjoy this beautiful day that He has made!

Thank you so much for your prayers, love, encouragement and support. I cannot express how much it means to me. May you be blessed today and rest in the amazing love and grace of our Perfect Savior Jesus Christ! :)

what the world needs now is love. sweet love

Hey! Sorry I haven't updated in awhile...its overwhelming to think about sometimes because its impossible to really explain things here. But I will share just a little. :)

I took the past 2 weekends off, which was nice, but also bittersweet. I went to Austin for the weekend to hang out with my family for the first one. I miss them so much. I also saw a couple friends, but the trip was short and it was like a tease to be in Austin but not see everyone I want to. I miss Austin so much, the people who I love there, and Austin Stone! But I got to go to church, which was so encouraging. I love the passion and the heart to truly worship Christ.

This past weekend I went to Memphis to meet my new little nephew! He is so adorable, but its still crazy to believe my brother has a kid! I also am just encouraged by my brother and sister-in-law, the way they live their lives for Christ and seek His will for them in every area of their lives. They are intentional in really reaching out and praying for their neighbors and other people in their path. I love how they live out the gospel with such boldness. I am blessed by them for sure and was glad I could be with them.

Getting away is nice, but also hard. Slowing down a little bit is great, but then the emotion of this place hits me as I have time to actually process some of it. I wept at some point both weekends. Just an emotional release. I can honestly say being here in Missouri is hard. Really hard. The one word I would use to define my time here is: broken. Again and again and again. Most of the time I have no idea what God is doing. But I am learning to trust, and I may not see the fruit of this year until after it is over or years later. So right now I am seeing the importance of trusting Christ, even when it doesn't make sense, or its hard, or I feel like He is far off. The truth is He is always with me, He is so faithful and He is working beyond what I can see. That is my hope, my hallelujah and the only thing that keeps me going: His grace is sufficient.

Next weekend is Parent's Weekend! The littles' parents come on Thursday and hang out through the weekend. We get to go out to eat with their parents as well! I am excited, but I will probably get a little nervous, too, as time gets closer. The Littles have mixed feelings. Excitement, fear, nervousness, joy! I can't imagine being in high school and being away from my family for so long! Pray that the Lord will work and bring healing to these families. Pray that I will glorify Christ in whatever way that means as well.

I came back last Sunday night to find out one of the girls had been picked up that morning by her parents and isn't coming back. She had been here about 2 months. Most of us didn't think she was ready to go home, but I know God has her. Another girl is leaving in the morning. She found out today. Craziness. She has been here about 6 months. She is at a stronger place, but she will probably also struggle some at home. But we all struggle don't we? We will be down to 9 girl Littles after that. We also lost one of the guy Bigs last week, too. The constant changing and intensity of this place is really hard on my heart. I'm afraid I'm being hardened because I can't handle it all. I don't know how to handle it really, and things keep going and moving along. There is no time to really stop, rest, process, breathe. So I just keep going. My favorite time each day is the time I get to spend alone with the Lord. It's almost as if we are underwater, in the midst of a storm - waves crashing down. Feels like you are drowning at times here. Time alone with Jesus is like catching a breath - gasping for breath some days. It brings me life. Without that, I don't know what I would do. He alone is my hope and my salvation. I still feel like I don't love Him as I should, but He loves me more than I can comprehend, and I try to hold onto that.

I have been thinking about love lately - how to truly love these girls, love the other Bigs. The girls act like they don't want much to do with us, unless they need us to go with them somewhere or get something for them. I don't think that is actually true - I think they do want us around, but they are teenagers, too. One of my littles actually really does like me around. She and I get to have good conversations a lot and I am really grateful for her. She encourages me a lot, is fun, respectful, positive, laughs a lot, and we get to talk about Christ, too. She might be leaving at the end of May though. I am going to miss her.

I want to love like Christ loves me. To not give up when I am rejected time and time again. To not live in fear and let the anger of others push me away or cause me to shut down. I want to trust Christ with everything. I want to speak the truth in love, even when its hard. I want to encourage those around me when they are struggling. I want to know Christ more and make Him known. I want to see Him move in this place, in my heart and in the hearts of those around me. We are struggling. All of us. And right now I feel like we are all feeling pretty defeated. I know the truth is that Christ has defeated the enemy and is greater than him. I am grateful for friends and family that remind me of the truth - often through little texts messages! :) It means so much to me, especially here and now. Your prayers and encouragement mean more to me than I can express. Right now I simply hold onto grace. The Lord is faithful. He will provide. He is mighty to save. He is all I need. I thank Him for each of you! I miss you all so much. You have no idea! Please let me know how you are or how I can be praying for you. Grace, peace and love in Christ our Savior! You are loved more than you will ever know by a God who never fails and holds the Universe in His hands. :)

but He said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you..."

I am tired and drained. The past couple of weeks has been rough. I have come to the end of myself, been faced with my inadequacy and weakness, and come to a place where all I have to cling to is the grace of Christ.

I've learned a lot about myself and been weighed down by the sin, hurt and brokenness I see in myself and those around me. I realized that in high energy situations, I have a tendency to shut down. When people get escalated and angry, I have no idea how to respond. I feel alone, weak and helpless. It is overwhelming at times. The girls have a lot of hurt and pain, and they put up walls and push people away with their anger. They don't know what to do with their pain so they lash out, and I feel lost as to help them. I am learning, but I realize how much I don't know and how out of control things can get sometimes. It has been humbling and hard. But I praise Christ who holds all things together and is faithful to work in me. He is patient as I learn to be all He desires me to be, and I am grateful for His infinite wisdom - God knows what these girls need and is faithful to provide. He also has the power to change hearts, to change my heart, and allow me to be more bold, giving and compassionate as I continue to learn how to love well.

Yesterday was one of the craziest days here. One of the girls here has been making violent threats to other girls and staff. She also was inappropriate most of the time and had earned herself over 80 work hours in consequences. She never acted out on the threats she made, but she wouldn't stop making them, so staff made a contract with her over the weekend. Yesterday, they told her she was being dismissed from the program. She was going to be allowed to stay until a more appropriate placement could be found, but she asked for them to call the cops, who came and took her to a hospital. The hospital wouldn't admit her, so last night I went with another Big to sign her in at another facility at 2:30 am. It was a strange experience to sign her paperwork and place her in the care of another place. I didn't feel like I had the authority to do such a thing, even though legally we are their 'guardians'. I am 22 - what do I know? I feel so unequipped and unqualified sometimes in what I am doing. We got back at almost 5 this morning, so I slept for a couple hours, then got to sleep again for four hours in the middle of the day.

I haven't really been able to process it all. It was really tough to watch everything happen. A lot of the girls were intimidated and afraid of the girl and were frustrated in the house. It was affecting them a lot, and even harmful at times. However, I had some great conversations with the girl who had to leave - one-on-one we got to talk a lot and she had great insight and was very loving. Around everyone as a group, she was a completely different person. It was hard to see the way she lied and manipulated things. When confronted individually, she would apologize and understood she was wrong, but later she would deny it. I feel confused, my heart hurts for her, because I know she is really struggling. I just pray the Lord will do an amazing work in her life and that she can get the help she needs. I was glad I could go see her last night to say good-bye, but I still don't know what to think about it all.

One of the girls graduated from the program this morning. She was a fun girl who I really enjoyed getting to know. She really encouraged me a lot and would give me huge hugs everyday and we had some really great conversations. She has been here 19 months, and I am really proud of her and excited for what she will do.

We are now down to 11 girls. The house seemed much calmer today and quieter, but its weird. There is a lot going on with everyone, Bigs and Littles, and I just pray that the Lord would unite us in it all. Sometimes I feel like we are so disconnected and trying to deal with everything on our own. I desire to see us truly learn how to love one another and support each other. I know I fail other people a lot, but I am seeking the Lord on what my role is here and how to best love the other Bigs, and the Littles as well.

I am a bit weary, but I also have hope in Christ. I feel weighed down at the moment to be honest, and discouraged. But I will cry out to Jesus and wait upon the Lord. He will be faithful to come, renew, restore and redeem. So I will wait...

Thank you for your continued encouragement and support. I love you all so much and thank the Lord for you and ways He pours His love on me through you. I would love to hear from you all. May you learn more of the grace of Christ in your own life. Even when things are rough, His grace is enough. Amen.