i don't know, and it's okay! :)

Hello everyone! It's been 3 weeks since my last update. I would have updated sooner, but there is so much that happens all the time that I don't get to process. I didn't want to process here - because that would be too much to read! I still have a lot to process, but I can still talk a little bit about the past few weeks.

The house trip was a blast! We went horseback riding, to a water park, hiking, swimming and a day-trip to Branson where we saw the other Doulos/Shelterwood property, walked around the Landing (shopping place where I went to Build-A-Bear :) had dinner together, then went to a Branson show. The show was called Legendz and featured impersonations by Little Richard, Alan Jackson, the Blues Brother, Britney Spears and Elvis. Our girls were like a side-show - screaming, dancing, laughing, and even got kissed on the cheek by Elvis! Haha they were so funny and I think we all had a great time. Being on the other property was exciting to me - just to think that people in a different location are doing the same thing was nice. Overall, the trip was a fun time to hang out, laugh, process some things and have some good conversations.

The next Monday we said good-bye to one of our house directors. She is about to start a new ministry opportunity working with girls coming out of the sex industry. I am so excited for her and looking forward to hearing about what Christ is going to do! We all miss her a lot. I have loved getting to know her heart, I know the Lord has great plans for her and am glad I will still get to hear about it!

The next week was very long because the girl's didn't have school while the boys went on their trip - which meant no alone time for us! It was tiring. We had fun though. We went to a Royals (baseball) game one night, watched movies, went climbing at a rock gym, hung out and slept in a little bit. Saturday we had to say good-bye to one of the Bigs because she decided it was best to go home with back treatments and so much stress that is experienced on a daily basis here. She was one of the Bigs I was closer to and I miss her, but I know we will keep in touch! There has been so much change here with people coming and going, and that is going to continue for the next month.

A Little graduated yesterday! She is awesome and I was blessed to get to know her a little bit, though I wish I had gotten to know her more. I am excited for her to go home and how the Lord will continue to work in her life. Graduations are always exciting and encouraging to reflect on what the Lord does and how He is faithful to heal brokenness is these girls and their families. It inspires me to invest more, go deeper, and continue to seek the Lord.

Yesterday, we also were told another Big was leaving. She was the Big I was closest to here, and it was all a shock. I still don't know what to think about it all, but I know that regardless the Lord is faithful to work for good in all things. I have already enjoyed hearing and seeing how the Lord is using it in all of our lives. It is definitely not easy by any means. However, I got to see her today though and we talked for over 3 hours. I love her very very much and have been so blessed by her friendship. She doesn't live too far away so I will get to see her still. Hallelujah!

Another Big took a week off before coming back as a wing director - kind of like an assistant house director. We will have another wing director coming in August or September who was a Big last year. A lot of changes are about to happen in the next month as the Bigs who have been her since last August will be leaving and new Bigs will come. Lots of change and transition - and lots of chaos and emotion go with that. Praise God who holds everything together! I am sad and excited about everything. I will miss the Bigs here now, but I am excited for the newness of things and opportunity to make changes as well. I know the change will mean I will need to step up and be a leader. I feel like the Lord has been calling me to that all year - which I have honestly been pretty resistant to - but now I won't really have a choice much. If you don't choose to get out of the boat - Jesus will push you out! Haha not really - but His plans can't be thwarted! So in a way this is true. But I am glad for that. He will provide the strength and wisdom I need. Courage. I should post Joshua 1:9 on my wall. :) "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

I was reading Psalm 18 earlier today and got stuck on verse one. "I love you, O Lord, my strength." I realized that the Lord does not just give us strength, but He is my strength. Wow - the depth of that truth. Jesus lives in me. That is so crazy for me to comprehend. I just think - "God, are You serious? You live in me?" I want to live in that truth. The Lord will not just provide me with strength, grace, love, power and wisdom, but He is strength, grace, love power and wisdom. And He lives in me. Therefore, all those things are already in me. It is simply a matter of letting them come out - to shine the light of Christ within me instead of hiding it, which I do sometimes. Lord, give me the boldness to shine brightly for You. Amen.

So I continue on this journey...in the midst of the chaos and confusion and brokenness and joy and healing - the Lord is faithful. There is so much I don't know, and the more I know the less I understand, but I can find all I need in Christ and I can rest in the arms of the One who holds everything together. When it seems like everything is falling apart, all we can do is cry out to the One who holds it all and has the ability to put everything together - and more beautifully than it was before. So sweet it is to trust in Jesus.

Thank you for your continued encouragement, love & prayers. Each of you are a gift of God's grace in my life, and I thank Him for you. Much love always! I know I am busy, but I am always longing to know how you are are and to hear how Christ is transforming Your life. To Him alone be the glory because He alone is worthy. :)

His are the hands i've grown to trust

Trust. Faith. Believe. How I want to trust God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. To believe all that He says about who He is, who I am and what He can and is doing. I am learning to trust.

The Lord is giving me plenty of opportunities to do that here. There are opportunities everyday where I feel challenged and am humbled. And everything changes, which isn't always easy for me. We had a new girl come last week, and then we had one today, one tomorrow and one Friday. That is a lot of new girls who must be attached to a Big at all times. We are also leaving on Monday to go on a house trip to Arkansas to camp for a week. I am excited! We actually can stay in a house and aren't legit camping, but we get to go hiking, swimming, horseback riding and fun stuff like that! Oh camp fire and s'mores! Maybe I will bring a jar and we can catch fireflies, too! Yay for summertime!

I sent out a bunch of update letters the past few weeks. I have been so encouraged by so many people who have sent me texts or messages and shared some truth and just blessed me. Thank you so much! I am constantly encouraged by so many people who tell me they are praying for me or who take time to talk with me or ask how they can pray. You have no idea how much that means to me and renews my heart when I often feel discouraged or worn down. I am reminded that I am not alone and I praise God for it all. It is almost overwhelming at times to think of how many people are praying for me and supporting me. Thank you for joining me on this journey and allowing me to share with you. I am also so blessed by the friendships I have and people who are willing to share their lives with me. Oh heaven - how sweet it will be to all live together with Christ! But for now - I am so ridiculously blessed!

My heart breaks sometimes for the community we have here. I long for so much more for us, more connectedness, unity and love. I struggle sometimes to know if this is from the Lord or if I am missing what God is doing now. I think its a mix of both. I really want to see things from God's perspective - situations, Bigs, Littles, myself. To live out of that is to live in the truest reality. It is hard sometimes to do. It is easy to get caught up in the schedule of things, in the responsibilities. Do this, be here, always being with the Littles. I feel like I lose perspective because I am with people all the time and love the moments I am alone to step back and regain perspective. I want to be able to stay focused on Christ in the busyness of each day, but its challenging. He is faithful!

I also have become more aware of how I allow fear to hold me back from offering my heart to people. Sometimes I like being vulnerable, but sometimes I hate it. It hard to offer myself knowing that it could be rejected. But as I learn to stand firm in who I am in Christ and know my worth and value come from Him alone, He empowers me to love without needing anything in return. He can be my only motivation to truly love, or else I am seeking others for my worth. But the Lord is so patient with me as I learn how to trust Him and stand firm on what is true, to really believe what He says. Oh what a mess we all are...but there's a beauty to it. I am so glad that Christ holds everything together and works for good in all things and makes things beautiful. He invites us to be a part of it, but He does the work in His own mysterious and amazing ways. He is worthy, so worthy.

That is all I really have for now. I pray that your are growing in your faith and trusting Christ. He is so faithful and will give us all we need. Know that you are dearly loved! :)

the more i know, the less i understand

I hope you are all enjoying your summer! It is hot and humid here - but we get to go to the pool most days which is nice. The summer schedule is a bit crazier than during the school year here. As Bigs, we plans more activities with the Littles and have less time off each day. That has been a bit challenging for me these past few weeks. I realized how much I need alone time to really be still and process things and re-energize. I have felt pretty good for the most part, but I also feel like I've just been going with the flow of everything and haven't stopped much to really know what is going on deeper inside. I also feel like I am becoming a little too comfortable where I am, and now is the time to be challenged.

Just some rambling about what I've been thinking about the past few days...

I've been praying for discernment lately. I have so many questions about the way things should be - especially relationships. I want to find the balance that brings the most glory to God. I know we are called to live in community and have interdependent relationships. I don't know exactly what that looks like. I have seen myself become too dependent in relationships, and then also isolate myself and not allow people in. I want to find a healthy balance. As I am learning that only the Lord can satisfy all the desires in my heart, I am wrestling to understand where my relationships with people fit into all of this. Jesus prays that we would be one as He and the Father are one. So what does that mean for us?

I'm wrestling with what my relationships with other Bigs and Littles should look like. Its easy to want to look at the relationships other Bigs have with the Littles and think mine should look like theirs. But we are all different and have different personalities. I know I long for depth, however I want to meet people where they are. I know I can sometimes intimidate or overwhelm people with my depth, and so I think I have held that back more now. I really want to surrender who I am to Christ and allow Him to show me how to be all I am and use the gifts He has given me for His glory. I think it is more of a moment by moment dependence on Him than knowing exactly what it looks like and going for that. Every relationship is different, and situations are different. There are no formulas, these are relationships. I think there is this mystery to relationships. I think it adds to the beauty of them, but it can also be hard. They take patience, forgiveness, communication and listening. I love listening to other people, asking questions and hearing their hearts. I also feel so loved when people ask me good questions and really are interested in what I have to say. To be loved is to be known...

I had an evaluation last week with the LeadTime directors, intern and one of our house directors. We talked about areas I can grow and what some of my strengths are. It was an encouraging time and I felt known and loved as they affirmed who I am and challenged me in different areas. One ways I was challenged was to offer my heart more and my perspective. I wrestle with this a lot. Sometimes I feel like my heart is too much to handle and don't want to offer it in fear it will be rejected or overwhelm people. I feel deeply and can be very passionate about things. I don't always like to feel that way or show it because its so deep - which means I am capable of hurting deeply as well. I want to be all the Lord created me to be, and I know that involves my depth and what people have described as an extra big heart. I don't know what to do with it most of the time. It's easier sometimes to not allow myself to care so deeply, but I don't want what's easy - I just want what will draw me closer to the Lord. I also want to be closer to other people, too. I say that, but when it comes to being vulnerable and sharing my heart, I often choose the safe route of being quiet and simply thinking about things before I take action. Love is a risk. I want to love well. C.S. Lewis says, "To love at all is to be vulnerable." I think that's true. I pray that Love will teach me how to love like He did - His vulnerability exposed on the cross, the depth of His love, the intensity of the pain He experienced so we could know Him. That is the only motivation to truly love even in the face of the heartache. Love is hard. I don't understand it a lot. Lord, teach me how to love. Amen.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. I pray you would know more of His love today!

beautiful the mess we are

The title of this blog entry is from a song my mom sent me called "Better Than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant. And since I feel like I am a beautiful mess all the time, I love the lyrics. :) But I have found so much freedom in being that mess - its been so sweet.

My break home was perfect! I saw more people in Austin than I was planning on or could have hoped for. I saw a friend on the drive down and drive back. I felt like I was able to spend good quality time with my closest friends & my family. The entire time was filled with my favorite things in Austin - live music on a beautiful night, Kerbey Lane breakfast, kayaking on Town Lake right by the downtown skyline, some good ol' tex-mex at Chuy's, good time driving down the Mopac, worshipping our Creator with the body at Austin Stone and HCBCnw, and I got to visit T Bar M camp in New Braunfels!!! It was a week where I constantly was blessed to proclaim the gospel & the faithfulness of the Lord. I was so encouraged by everyone. I ran into people everywhere who said they were praying for me. I laughed, I cried, I partied! :) I had one night alone where God decided to bring healing into areas of my life that have held me captive since I was little. It was beautiful and painful, but so so sweet and continues to orchestrate freedom in my life. The last night I witnessed an amazing lightening storm. Then I came back to Missouri and spent the first couple days longing for Austin and missing home. Seeing everything and everyone reminded me of how dear it all is to my heart. But I know the Lord has me here. :)

I don't know if break was perfect or if God has really changed my heart and set me free to enjoy who He is in each moment. I definitely think the latter. :) I feel like my eyes have been opened to things they missed before - and I love it! Being back here at Shelterwood has been great! I have had some incredible conversations with Bigs & Littles. I have laughed so much, and been so encouraged. And I have cried, and my heart has broken. But through the highs & lows, I know the Lord is near. I know He will provide. I know His love never fails and His grace is sufficient. I am free because of what Christ has done for me, and so I can rest. I always loved Matthew 11:28-30 where Jesus invites us to come to Him and find rest. I always longed to experience that but I didn't understand. I think I do a bit now.

This place is hard. Each day you see the brokenness of our world, as you can everywhere, but yet Christ is holding it all in His hands. And so He provides the grace to find joy in the midst of sorrow and comfort in the midst of pain, and somehow for reasons I cannot comprehend, He reveals Himself to me and allows me to offer Him to others. His love for me is ridiculous - and that same love is available for each of us. Oh how He loves us! There is nothing greater than that. Everything comes down to love. And Christ is love.

We have a Little leaving tomorrow. She was one I got pretty close to, but I also realized a month ago that she isn't mine to hold - she belongs to the Lord. And I have great confidence in Him and what He has planned for her, and she is pretty strong. Good-byes are still hard though. When I came back from break, we had a new girl here. She is younger than most of the girls here, which has been a challenge, but I have enjoyed time with her and we were able to have some good conversations already. Another new girl is coming on Thursday, so change is always happening. I know a lot of us are tired. But I also know that God is the ever-lasting God and provides new strength to rise on wings like eagles! I pray we come to know Him more through all that we experience here.

Thank you for your constant prayers, love & support. I cannot tell you thanks enough for all the ways you encourage me. Please continue to pray for everyone here as Littles come & go - that we would remain focused on Christ and trust Him in all we do. I pray that you are walking in the freedom we have in Christ and never forget the you are dearly loved!

Your love sets me free

Hey everyone! I hope you are doing well. :) Today is the first day of pre-summer break and so most of the girls are leaving today and tomorrow to go home for some time with their family and friends. Most of them are really excited to go home!

And I am also driving home to Austin tomorrow - so excited! :D The fun part about driving is that I can also make some stops and see people along the way - like in Oklahoma or Dallas! I'm looking forward to catching up with friends, enjoying the city of Austin, visiting camp (I miss T Bar M!) and spending some quality time with my incredible family. Mmm yes I am so pumped about this next week!

I am happy! And I feel so free. Hallelujah! The Lord has been doing some serious healing in my heart and it has been awesome to really experience ways I knew the gospel intellectually finally play out in my heart and mind and bring much more peace and freedom. I feel so much more secure in who I am in Christ. I feel confident and can rest in the grace of Christ and His unfailing love & forgiveness because of the cross. Even this past week I have made mistakes and felt like such a mess at times, but I have been able to just laugh and be okay with it. I am learning not to take myself so seriously. But I am serious about how amazing Jesus is! :) And how the gospel has the power to transform lives. 

I went on Wednesday to drop one of the girls off at the airport. It was kinda stressful for her - I was fine but she was a bit worried about being late and missing her plane and whatnot. This was one of the times I felt like a mess. ;) She got on the plane just fine, and then as I was walking back, someone said my name in the airport and one of the pastors from Austin Stone was in the airport! It was so crazy. I then found out that the pastor of the church I go to here, Redeemer Fellowship, is good friends with another pastor at Austin Stone! It was so encouraging, just to realize these connections, and feel like a part of the body of Christ transcending different cities. Thank you Lord for Your sweet reminder in that way! 

We had to say good-bye to 2 girls this week. One was the girl who was going to be in my room. We all cried as we hugged her good-bye. Another girl turned 18 a couple months ago and made a deal with her parents to leave at the end of the school year. So she went home yesterday. We now have only 8 girls here, but may get a few more this summer. We don't know really. I think I have learned to let go a lot here, because the only thing you can count on is change. People come and go. Emotions are constantly changing. Plans change, the weather is crazy. The only constant is Christ, and as I have learned to cling to Him, I am okay if everything is chaotic. Christ is the only constant in our ever-changing lives. I had a friend write that one time - and its been something I have come to find so true. Praise God for His peace that transcends understanding. 

Summer schedule looks a bit different. The kids only go to school for half the day, and then we plan different activities in the evening. I am in charge of game night every Monday, but I am most excited about Tuesday! We get to do Bible study with the girls every Tuesday - and I think it might be my favorite! Friday we get to teach them some class - and I think I might be helping with guitar - even though I will be learning myself! I am hoping this summer will be fun and look forward to what God has planned.

I am blessed. The Lord is faithful, and His love never changes. Christ has come to set us free and we are free indeed. Thank you all for you continual prayers, encouragement and love! It is a joy to know you and to celebrate who Christ is together and we seek to glorify Him with our lives! Much love to you all - and Happy Summer! :)