Thursday, January 28, 2010

i will follow you when the stars go blue

It is hard to explain everything that goes on here...a lot happens and everyone has their own perception of things. And then there is everything that goes on in my head and heart (which if you know me - its a lot). But I will give y'all an update of a little bit of what has been going on...

Last Sunday night, one of the girls here was found in the shower sitting on a chair cutting herself with a piece of broken mirror. One of the Littles found her and she began screaming, then some of the Bigs went in to help. The police, ambulance and fire department came and she went to the hospital. At the time, I was in the other bathroom on the opposite hall with two of the girls who are on foot restriction and had to be within 5 or 15 feet of a Big at all times. I didn't actually hear or see anything that happened. The Lord protected me from the initial shock of everything so I could try and be there for other people. It was hard to see everyone around me in so much pain, heartache, confusion, anger, sadness. I listened as people talked about how they couldn't get the sight or sound out of their head, how it brought up a lot of emotion and other things in their lives. Each person reacted differently, and it was hard to know how to be there for the other Bigs and Littles, especially since I feel like I am still getting to know them. There was a heavy feeling on the whole house for most of the week. I went to visit the girl in the psychiatric hospital last Monday night. It was one of my first times to really talk with her, but she was doing better. She came back to the house this past Sunday, which the other girls were a bit nervous about, but its has been okay so far. I know the Lord has a purpose in it all, and so I have peace. We are all broken and learning how to deal with everything - but learning how to do it together. Its a crazy, painful, awkward and beautiful thing. I know - that doesn't really make sense, but I know its good. :)

Friday night was House Night, so all the girls broke up into teams and we went to the airport where we were going to do a scavenger hunt for random things - like a joyful greeting, pink luggage, someone sleeping...etc. But by the time we go to the airport, there weren't many flights left, so we all went to Starbucks and hung out. On Saturday night, which is room night, my room went to the mall and played with puppies, then had dinner and watched a movie. I don't actually live in the room with the Littles yet, but the room I am with right now is right across the hall. There are three Littles, and one Big lives in the room, and another Big is in the room next door and works with the same room too.

Monday we went on a retreat as Bigs to a nearby camp called God's Mountain. We ate, hung out, helped do some construction and cleaning at the camp, spent some time in worship and studied the book of Habakkuk. I loved reading through Habakkuk - I was humbled by who the Lord is and how He responds to Habakkuk's complaints - and see ways that I question God like Habakkuk did. It was fun to get to just be with the Bigs for a day and to spend some time together worshipping and talking about the Lord. Today was Doulos Day - a day once a month where all the Bigs and staff do something fun together. This morning we went over to one of the director's house and had breakfast. Some of the staff dressed up like we were at a hick-diner - "Stinky Pete's" - and they were in character and it was lots of fun. Then we went bowling! I really enjoyed hanging out with everyone, laughing, and being with the Bigs and staff.

I think I am beginning to really miss home - and by home I mean the place where you are known. The first three weeks have been great, and the newness of it all has been exciting. Now as I am beginning to feel more settled, I realize that I am still 'new', and for the most part, unknown. I miss that comfortable feeling of being surrounded by family and friends who know me, know my heart, who I can just sit with or who understand what I am talking about or why I do what I do. I've realized how blessed I am to have family and friends in my life who really care about me, who the Lord has allowed me to know, love and be loved by. However, I know that I am supposed to be here, and that He has a plan for my life. I know He is already working in orchestrating new friendships here, and that takes time. The Lord has been faithful to provide patience as He moves in His own timing. The past 3 weeks, the Lord has been doing a lot in my heart - pulling out lies I have believed for a long time, walking me through struggles and things I have wrestled with for years, and teaching me more about myself and who He is. I have prayed so much, and He has drawn me closer to Him. I have grown in my affection for the Lord - I couldn't ask for anything more. In the process of people getting to know me and getting to know others, I haven't felt lonely like I have felt in the past even though I don't feel really close to anyone yet. The Lord knows me better than I know myself and so I feel at home with Him. Its been a beautiful time drawing closer to Christ, and I know it has been necessary before I can move forward here and enter into new relationships. I have come to know Him more as my friend, Counselor, Savior, encouragement, strength, joy, comfort, peace, security, refuge and a place where I can rest and just be me. I have journaled so much, which has been awesome, and I have a lot of journals so I am well prepared! :) And even in the past few days I see the Lord growing deeper relationships with people here. He is faithful. And His timing is perfect. :)

All that to say, life is crazy, but I love it. I am a beautiful mess, but Christ holds everything together. The Lord has already done so much during my time here, and I am excited for what He has planned next. I pray that you are coming to know Christ more in your own lives. True life is found in Him alone because knowing Him satisfies the soul. Amen.

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