the seed is settling and the roots begin to grow

I think I am starting to feel more comfortable here. This week has been really good for me. I had some great conversations with other Bigs, spent some sweet time with the Lord and feel like God has reconstructed my heart in a beautiful way. I talked about being broken a few weeks ago, and the Lord has been healing some of that brokenness to renew my strength, heart and mind. I feel ready to really begin investing deeper here in the relationships that have started to grow, and I think there will be great opportunities ahead to do that. 

A new girl Little came on Friday, and we are getting another one tomorrow. That will bring us to 12 Littles for 11 Bigs! We will be outnumbered by Littles for the first time since I've been here. The guy's house is another story - they have always been outnumbered by Littles - with 5 Bigs to 14 Littles. I just think it will be good to have more Littles here so we can all spread out some. We are doing room changes next Saturday, which I am looking forward to. I think I will finally get to be in a room with Littles! :) I have enjoyed getting to know some of the girls here, but actually sharing a room with them will help that happen even more.

On Monday for class, we spent some time in prayer and also went through stations of the cross. There were 12 different stations to reflect on various aspects of what Christ experienced on the cross. It was an awesome time to spend with the Lord and truly reflect on what He has done. Lately, I feel like I have been coming to know more of the humanity of Christ. Different aspects of the cross talked about the relationship Jesus had with His mother, the way He needed help to carry His cross, and the shame He experienced in being crucified naked. Reflecting on all those things, I realized in more depth how Jesus was human and experienced the emotions of human relationships, needing help from others, and feeling exposed and vulnerable. It has drawn me closer to Him and been amazing. I have always desired connection and intimacy in human relationships, and I still do. But understanding the humanity of Christ has allowed Him to satisfy that desire and longing in beautiful ways. It has been so healing for my heart and truly freeing.

Its hard to explain all that God has done in my heart since I have been here, but I would say He has reconstructed it in a lot of ways. I am not who I was. God has continued to help me see truth to combat lies I have wrestled with for a long time. I have been humbled in so many ways. I have come to realize that I am not a good person. As the Lord has revealed to me more and more of the depths of my depravity, I realize that there is nothing good in me. However, the righteousness of Christ has been accredited to me because of the cross. He is the only thing beautiful in me. And I am learning how to let Him shine and allow myself to get out the way. I am made in the image of God and have the blessing of reflecting His image, but this is for the glory of His Name, not mine.

Sometimes I find myself tempted to compare myself to other Bigs. We are all so different, with different strengths, weaknesses, and spiritual gifts. When a Little wants to talk about what they're going through, its hard to not wish they wanted to talk to me about it. But the Lord is graciously teaching me about the body of Christ, that it is all about Him and how He wants to work for His purposes. I am coming to desire more and more that others simply know Christ, regardless of the role He chooses for me to play in that. I need to seek the Lord for what my role is, and no matter what, give Him all the glory. I have the freedom to simply be me, and He has a plan for me and how He wants to accomplish His purposes. Right now I am learning how to listen and discern what He wants for me. There are 10 other Bigs, and soon to be 12 Littles. It is hard to know where to really invest in those relationships. There are a few Bigs I feel closer to than others, and the same goes for Littles, but I want to know what the Lord wants in each of those relationships. I know He will be faithful to guide me, and I am learning how to be patient and to simply trust Him. This is an area I know He will continue to grow me in, but I feel like I am coming to love Him more each day, by His sweet grace.

This weekend has been delightful. It was Parent's Weekend for us as Bigs, so some of our parents came out for the weekend to see what we do and hang out. On Friday night we all had a delicious dinner, then enjoyed a talent show where some Bigs, Littles, and staff performed. Saturday morning we had parent tributes. As Bigs, we gave our parents a tribute - a slide show, video, or talked about what our parents mean to us and expressed our appreciation and love for all they have done. I wrote out a letter to my parents, which I read to them, but I got a little caught up at the beginning and couldn't read what I wrote through the tears coming from my eyes. :) But it was a good time of tears, laughter and love. Afterwards, my parents and I went to the Hallmark visitor center in Kansas City! Sometimes I make fun of greeting cards (probably because I would rather write my own) but I absolutely loved it! I watched Hallmark commercials for like 45 minutes - my parents and I stood there laughing and crying. It was an emotional day. Haha. I decided that I might go work for Hallmark someday - I mean if you have ever received a card from me you know I like to write...a lot. We each got a free card when we left! I might take my room there one day for fun. I left feeling very inspired and touched. Sending a card to someone to let them know you care really does make a difference, even if people think its sappy.

Afterwards we went to lunch and saw a movie. Then we went to their hotel for a couple hours to chill before heading to dinner and coming back to property. We had some great time together talking and just enjoying each other. Today we had a great breakfast in the dining hall, had a chapel service on property then I went to lunch with my parents before they left to fly home. I loved the time I got to spend with them. I am so grateful for who they are and all they have given me. It was a blessing to reflect on my parents and to be with them. I loved having them here with me - a little taste of home. I am who I am today because of who the Lord is in each of them. I love them so much.

So now we have another week ahead. I am waiting in expectation for what the Lord has planned. I am ready to go deeper here and really dig into what He is doing. There is a lot of pain, hurt and brokenness here, but Christ's love overcomes all of that, and I desperately want to see Him work and be glorified. Thank you for taking the time to read the ramblings of my heart. I am so grateful for each of you. You are dearly loved! Be blessed and keep fighting the good fight wherever the Lord has you.