WARNING: an honest reflection of the heart

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." - Jeremiah 17:9-10

The past few days have been trying and tough - but that good kind of tough. The Lord has been breaking me down, which is not a fun, nor easy thing. I often resist what He is doing in my heart because it is painful and uncomfortable. He often reveals how ugly and disgusting my heart can be. I hate my own sin and sometimes struggle to admit my weakness, failure and inability to walk in submission to Christ, to truly love like He does. And the pain I feel is often the result of my own sin, which is frustrating. It is not easy to take an honest look at the depth of your depravity - that is without the grace of Christ and faith in the truth of what Christ accomplished on the cross.

I've been blessed with the time I have had to spend here and I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be. It has been amazing to see the opportunities the Lord has set before me and the honest conversations I have been able to have with some of the Littles here, and with the other Bigs. However, it is also hard to see people hurt, struggle and wrestle with the pain, hurt, sin and confusion they are facing. I am left at a loss for words and thoughts sometimes when I come to the end and have no answer. I praise God for the faith He has given me to still trust in His unfailing love and faithfulness when things are hard. When I don't understand or can't see, I know He will save us and come through. I just struggle waiting for His timing and patience because I want everything to be okay now. But it's not...and to sit in the brokenness and pain and hurt and struggle is not easy, but I know He has a purpose in it. So I wait in expectation with hope knowing that He will be faithful make everything beautiful in its time.

Being surrounded by so much brokenness brings up so much in myself - things I thought has been healed and dealt with, God has decided to bring back to the surface, to bring me back to my knees and break me down again. Friday night everyone was in the Boy's House for House Night where a Christian rock band came to play a concert for us. One of the guy Bigs is friends with people in the band and it was fun to watch the girls have fun and dance and laugh. During this time though, I just sat and listened to the music and began thinking a lot, only to find tears rolling down my cheeks. One of the girl Bigs tried to pull me to the side to talk but I didn't want to move so she just sat down next to me for awhile and asked me what was going on. Once I was able to, I started talking about it. And since then I am coming to a greater understanding of what was going on in me.

Its a mix of things really...overwhelmed by finally being here and knowing I am supposed to be here. I absolutely love it. Another part of me was struggling with the depth of who I am - the way I think, feel, love and care deeply about people. I feel shame about that sometimes, but I am learning how to simply be who I am. However, sometimes the way I care about people is twisted into control or emotional dependency, and I think I am afraid of falling into that again. Its a hard thing to admit, and so often I want to deny it and hide my heart from the Lord and others, but I cannot hide from God. In coming to see the honest truth about my heart - that it is deceitful, the Lord is gently breaking me to see that I need to let go and surrender my heart completely to Him. Only He can heal the hurt, shame, brokenness and deceit. He can cure it, but I have to hand my heart over to Him.

That is kinda where I am at right now - hurting and broken. But His grace is sufficient in that and He will be faithful to continue to complete the work He began in me. Amen for His truth.

Please pray that the Lord would continue to bring freedom and truth here to everyone. It's not just the Littles who are struggling, we all are. But there is something beautiful in the brokenness - I see hope that God is working. After all, He is close to the brokenhearted. And I will leave you with a couple things I have been thinking about - some scripture and some song lyrics. :) Be blessed, and may you know Him more. Much love.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. - Hebrews 4:14-16

While we wait for a rescue with our eyes tightly shut

Face to the ground using our hands to cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed greater waters, higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy - Jars of Clay "The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)