I hope you are all enjoying your summer! It is hot and humid here - but we get to go to the pool most days which is nice. The summer schedule is a bit crazier than during the school year here. As Bigs, we plans more activities with the Littles and have less time off each day. That has been a bit challenging for me these past few weeks. I realized how much I need alone time to really be still and process things and re-energize. I have felt pretty good for the most part, but I also feel like I've just been going with the flow of everything and haven't stopped much to really know what is going on deeper inside. I also feel like I am becoming a little too comfortable where I am, and now is the time to be challenged.
Just some rambling about what I've been thinking about the past few days...
I've been praying for discernment lately. I have so many questions about the way things should be - especially relationships. I want to find the balance that brings the most glory to God. I know we are called to live in community and have interdependent relationships. I don't know exactly what that looks like. I have seen myself become too dependent in relationships, and then also isolate myself and not allow people in. I want to find a healthy balance. As I am learning that only the Lord can satisfy all the desires in my heart, I am wrestling to understand where my relationships with people fit into all of this. Jesus prays that we would be one as He and the Father are one. So what does that mean for us?
I'm wrestling with what my relationships with other Bigs and Littles should look like. Its easy to want to look at the relationships other Bigs have with the Littles and think mine should look like theirs. But we are all different and have different personalities. I know I long for depth, however I want to meet people where they are. I know I can sometimes intimidate or overwhelm people with my depth, and so I think I have held that back more now. I really want to surrender who I am to Christ and allow Him to show me how to be all I am and use the gifts He has given me for His glory. I think it is more of a moment by moment dependence on Him than knowing exactly what it looks like and going for that. Every relationship is different, and situations are different. There are no formulas, these are relationships. I think there is this mystery to relationships. I think it adds to the beauty of them, but it can also be hard. They take patience, forgiveness, communication and listening. I love listening to other people, asking questions and hearing their hearts. I also feel so loved when people ask me good questions and really are interested in what I have to say. To be loved is to be known...
I had an evaluation last week with the LeadTime directors, intern and one of our house directors. We talked about areas I can grow and what some of my strengths are. It was an encouraging time and I felt known and loved as they affirmed who I am and challenged me in different areas. One ways I was challenged was to offer my heart more and my perspective. I wrestle with this a lot. Sometimes I feel like my heart is too much to handle and don't want to offer it in fear it will be rejected or overwhelm people. I feel deeply and can be very passionate about things. I don't always like to feel that way or show it because its so deep - which means I am capable of hurting deeply as well. I want to be all the Lord created me to be, and I know that involves my depth and what people have described as an extra big heart. I don't know what to do with it most of the time. It's easier sometimes to not allow myself to care so deeply, but I don't want what's easy - I just want what will draw me closer to the Lord. I also want to be closer to other people, too. I say that, but when it comes to being vulnerable and sharing my heart, I often choose the safe route of being quiet and simply thinking about things before I take action. Love is a risk. I want to love well. C.S. Lewis says, "To love at all is to be vulnerable." I think that's true. I pray that Love will teach me how to love like He did - His vulnerability exposed on the cross, the depth of His love, the intensity of the pain He experienced so we could know Him. That is the only motivation to truly love even in the face of the heartache. Love is hard. I don't understand it a lot. Lord, teach me how to love. Amen.
Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. I pray you would know more of His love today!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
beautiful the mess we are
The title of this blog entry is from a song my mom sent me called "Better Than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant. And since I feel like I am a beautiful mess all the time, I love the lyrics. :) But I have found so much freedom in being that mess - its been so sweet.
My break home was perfect! I saw more people in Austin than I was planning on or could have hoped for. I saw a friend on the drive down and drive back. I felt like I was able to spend good quality time with my closest friends & my family. The entire time was filled with my favorite things in Austin - live music on a beautiful night, Kerbey Lane breakfast, kayaking on Town Lake right by the downtown skyline, some good ol' tex-mex at Chuy's, good time driving down the Mopac, worshipping our Creator with the body at Austin Stone and HCBCnw, and I got to visit T Bar M camp in New Braunfels!!! It was a week where I constantly was blessed to proclaim the gospel & the faithfulness of the Lord. I was so encouraged by everyone. I ran into people everywhere who said they were praying for me. I laughed, I cried, I partied! :) I had one night alone where God decided to bring healing into areas of my life that have held me captive since I was little. It was beautiful and painful, but so so sweet and continues to orchestrate freedom in my life. The last night I witnessed an amazing lightening storm. Then I came back to Missouri and spent the first couple days longing for Austin and missing home. Seeing everything and everyone reminded me of how dear it all is to my heart. But I know the Lord has me here. :)
I don't know if break was perfect or if God has really changed my heart and set me free to enjoy who He is in each moment. I definitely think the latter. :) I feel like my eyes have been opened to things they missed before - and I love it! Being back here at Shelterwood has been great! I have had some incredible conversations with Bigs & Littles. I have laughed so much, and been so encouraged. And I have cried, and my heart has broken. But through the highs & lows, I know the Lord is near. I know He will provide. I know His love never fails and His grace is sufficient. I am free because of what Christ has done for me, and so I can rest. I always loved Matthew 11:28-30 where Jesus invites us to come to Him and find rest. I always longed to experience that but I didn't understand. I think I do a bit now.
This place is hard. Each day you see the brokenness of our world, as you can everywhere, but yet Christ is holding it all in His hands. And so He provides the grace to find joy in the midst of sorrow and comfort in the midst of pain, and somehow for reasons I cannot comprehend, He reveals Himself to me and allows me to offer Him to others. His love for me is ridiculous - and that same love is available for each of us. Oh how He loves us! There is nothing greater than that. Everything comes down to love. And Christ is love.
We have a Little leaving tomorrow. She was one I got pretty close to, but I also realized a month ago that she isn't mine to hold - she belongs to the Lord. And I have great confidence in Him and what He has planned for her, and she is pretty strong. Good-byes are still hard though. When I came back from break, we had a new girl here. She is younger than most of the girls here, which has been a challenge, but I have enjoyed time with her and we were able to have some good conversations already. Another new girl is coming on Thursday, so change is always happening. I know a lot of us are tired. But I also know that God is the ever-lasting God and provides new strength to rise on wings like eagles! I pray we come to know Him more through all that we experience here.
Thank you for your constant prayers, love & support. I cannot tell you thanks enough for all the ways you encourage me. Please continue to pray for everyone here as Littles come & go - that we would remain focused on Christ and trust Him in all we do. I pray that you are walking in the freedom we have in Christ and never forget the you are dearly loved!
My break home was perfect! I saw more people in Austin than I was planning on or could have hoped for. I saw a friend on the drive down and drive back. I felt like I was able to spend good quality time with my closest friends & my family. The entire time was filled with my favorite things in Austin - live music on a beautiful night, Kerbey Lane breakfast, kayaking on Town Lake right by the downtown skyline, some good ol' tex-mex at Chuy's, good time driving down the Mopac, worshipping our Creator with the body at Austin Stone and HCBCnw, and I got to visit T Bar M camp in New Braunfels!!! It was a week where I constantly was blessed to proclaim the gospel & the faithfulness of the Lord. I was so encouraged by everyone. I ran into people everywhere who said they were praying for me. I laughed, I cried, I partied! :) I had one night alone where God decided to bring healing into areas of my life that have held me captive since I was little. It was beautiful and painful, but so so sweet and continues to orchestrate freedom in my life. The last night I witnessed an amazing lightening storm. Then I came back to Missouri and spent the first couple days longing for Austin and missing home. Seeing everything and everyone reminded me of how dear it all is to my heart. But I know the Lord has me here. :)
I don't know if break was perfect or if God has really changed my heart and set me free to enjoy who He is in each moment. I definitely think the latter. :) I feel like my eyes have been opened to things they missed before - and I love it! Being back here at Shelterwood has been great! I have had some incredible conversations with Bigs & Littles. I have laughed so much, and been so encouraged. And I have cried, and my heart has broken. But through the highs & lows, I know the Lord is near. I know He will provide. I know His love never fails and His grace is sufficient. I am free because of what Christ has done for me, and so I can rest. I always loved Matthew 11:28-30 where Jesus invites us to come to Him and find rest. I always longed to experience that but I didn't understand. I think I do a bit now.
This place is hard. Each day you see the brokenness of our world, as you can everywhere, but yet Christ is holding it all in His hands. And so He provides the grace to find joy in the midst of sorrow and comfort in the midst of pain, and somehow for reasons I cannot comprehend, He reveals Himself to me and allows me to offer Him to others. His love for me is ridiculous - and that same love is available for each of us. Oh how He loves us! There is nothing greater than that. Everything comes down to love. And Christ is love.
We have a Little leaving tomorrow. She was one I got pretty close to, but I also realized a month ago that she isn't mine to hold - she belongs to the Lord. And I have great confidence in Him and what He has planned for her, and she is pretty strong. Good-byes are still hard though. When I came back from break, we had a new girl here. She is younger than most of the girls here, which has been a challenge, but I have enjoyed time with her and we were able to have some good conversations already. Another new girl is coming on Thursday, so change is always happening. I know a lot of us are tired. But I also know that God is the ever-lasting God and provides new strength to rise on wings like eagles! I pray we come to know Him more through all that we experience here.
Thank you for your constant prayers, love & support. I cannot tell you thanks enough for all the ways you encourage me. Please continue to pray for everyone here as Littles come & go - that we would remain focused on Christ and trust Him in all we do. I pray that you are walking in the freedom we have in Christ and never forget the you are dearly loved!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Your love sets me free
Hey everyone! I hope you are doing well. :) Today is the first day of pre-summer break and so most of the girls are leaving today and tomorrow to go home for some time with their family and friends. Most of them are really excited to go home!
And I am also driving home to Austin tomorrow - so excited! :D The fun part about driving is that I can also make some stops and see people along the way - like in Oklahoma or Dallas! I'm looking forward to catching up with friends, enjoying the city of Austin, visiting camp (I miss T Bar M!) and spending some quality time with my incredible family. Mmm yes I am so pumped about this next week!
I am happy! And I feel so free. Hallelujah! The Lord has been doing some serious healing in my heart and it has been awesome to really experience ways I knew the gospel intellectually finally play out in my heart and mind and bring much more peace and freedom. I feel so much more secure in who I am in Christ. I feel confident and can rest in the grace of Christ and His unfailing love & forgiveness because of the cross. Even this past week I have made mistakes and felt like such a mess at times, but I have been able to just laugh and be okay with it. I am learning not to take myself so seriously. But I am serious about how amazing Jesus is! :) And how the gospel has the power to transform lives.
I went on Wednesday to drop one of the girls off at the airport. It was kinda stressful for her - I was fine but she was a bit worried about being late and missing her plane and whatnot. This was one of the times I felt like a mess. ;) She got on the plane just fine, and then as I was walking back, someone said my name in the airport and one of the pastors from Austin Stone was in the airport! It was so crazy. I then found out that the pastor of the church I go to here, Redeemer Fellowship, is good friends with another pastor at Austin Stone! It was so encouraging, just to realize these connections, and feel like a part of the body of Christ transcending different cities. Thank you Lord for Your sweet reminder in that way!
We had to say good-bye to 2 girls this week. One was the girl who was going to be in my room. We all cried as we hugged her good-bye. Another girl turned 18 a couple months ago and made a deal with her parents to leave at the end of the school year. So she went home yesterday. We now have only 8 girls here, but may get a few more this summer. We don't know really. I think I have learned to let go a lot here, because the only thing you can count on is change. People come and go. Emotions are constantly changing. Plans change, the weather is crazy. The only constant is Christ, and as I have learned to cling to Him, I am okay if everything is chaotic. Christ is the only constant in our ever-changing lives. I had a friend write that one time - and its been something I have come to find so true. Praise God for His peace that transcends understanding.
Summer schedule looks a bit different. The kids only go to school for half the day, and then we plan different activities in the evening. I am in charge of game night every Monday, but I am most excited about Tuesday! We get to do Bible study with the girls every Tuesday - and I think it might be my favorite! Friday we get to teach them some class - and I think I might be helping with guitar - even though I will be learning myself! I am hoping this summer will be fun and look forward to what God has planned.
I am blessed. The Lord is faithful, and His love never changes. Christ has come to set us free and we are free indeed. Thank you all for you continual prayers, encouragement and love! It is a joy to know you and to celebrate who Christ is together and we seek to glorify Him with our lives! Much love to you all - and Happy Summer! :)
Sunday, May 23, 2010
this is where the healing begins
It has been a few weeks since my last update. Sorry for that! It is easy to be consumed by this place. The month of May has seemed to fly by! This Saturday starts my pre-summer break and I will get to go home for a few days and I am so excited!
About 2 weeks ago, we took everyone up to Camp Galilee, a camp about 2 1/2 hours away. We spent time doing work projects, had a campfire, worship, teams where we played crazy games, made up skits, and did team building activities together. It was great to get to build relationships more with some of the kids and to get away from property. It rained a lot during our time there...and several of us came back with poison ivy! And I am pretty allergic to it!!!! I am on meds for it now, so hopefully it will go away soon. Having poison ivy just reminded me of the broken relationship we have with creation because of the fall...yes that is how I think. :) But it makes me excited for God's restoration of all things!
Last weekend I flew home to be in a good friend's wedding. It was such a nice trip and fun to get to celebrate marriage with her and stand beside her at the ceremony. I am excited for how God is going to work in their lives and through their marriage for His glory! Its a fun time to celebrate the incredible love of Christ and His covenant with us. And it seems like so many people are getting married or engaged lately...I feel like I am out of the loop being here though - and not at that place yet. But at the same time, the Lord has been showing me so much in my relationship with Him, how marriage reflects that, and how He wants to change my heart and realize that the greatest source of intimacy and satisfaction is found in Christ and Christ alone. He is the source of love and affection, and He is deepening my roots in His love so I can stand firm in Him - which I am so excited about!!! I have felt so broken here, and I finally feel like He is really beginning to heal me at such a deep level. Hallelujah! I feel a new freedom, a new joy, a new peace. But it is also just the beginning and I know He has much more work to do, but overall - I am pumped!
I have been listening to the new Tenth Avenue North cd a lot lately. Oh my! One of the most healing things I have ever listened to. Music tends to be the language of my heart - songs lyrics are, too. I think that is why I love the psalms so much. But the lyrics on their album are raw, real, and honest. And I love it! Megan, one of the other Bigs with whom I have developed a good friendship with here, picked me up at the airport last Sunday and played a song for me that had my name written all over it. I wept of course, but absolutely loved the truth and felt so encouraged. I bought the cd for myself, and every song has some truth I need to hear. It is sweet sounds to my soul! :)
Sometimes I feel so exhausted here in every way possible. And I feel like I shut down and turn off in a way. Which I hate. I realized that beneath all of this my heart hurts and I am sad. However, I don't always have the opportunity to feel this hurt and pain and let it out. I try to deal with it in my mind, but sometimes I just need to cry and really feel the hurt. If I don't, I start to feel not much of anything and become hardened. There is so much pain and hurt here. But - I have been spurred to pray harder for Christ to make Himself known and pour out His mercy and healing. He can heal. He wants to heal our hearts and set us free from the things that hold us captive. Isaiah 61 is a perfect display of that. I long so desperately for these girls to truly know Christ and to experience the depths of His love, grace, acceptance and healing. I know our healing won't be complete until Christ comes back, but I hope and pray for God to be glorified here. In the mean time, I am praying and seeking for wisdom and discernment on how the Lord wants me to be involved in that. I know He is faithful and He is enough.
All that to say - life here is never the same with each moment. Last week we had another cutting incident. I don't understand why that happens and its heartbreaking to see. She might not be coming back sadly. I was able to visit her yesterday, and I just wanted to cry with her. I just pray she will know how deeply loved she is.
We also had room changes this past weekend as well. Things are always changing, and I miss home a lot, too. I am coming to rest secure in Christ, the only constant in the chaos. He is our only hope, but He is also alive and can do immeasurable more than we could ever ask or imagine! And I am ready to see Him work. He has strengthened my faith and deepened my desire for Him. I love the Lord oh so much! Because He has such great affection for me, it sometimes overwhelms me and I just weep. Oh how He loves!!! I pray that you would know more of Christ's love for you today!!! I love you all and miss you so much. I would love to hear from you and know how I can be praying. I am so grateful for all of your encouragement, prayers and support. I am so blessed by the way the Lord has loved me through y'all. Grace and peace to you all! :)
About 2 weeks ago, we took everyone up to Camp Galilee, a camp about 2 1/2 hours away. We spent time doing work projects, had a campfire, worship, teams where we played crazy games, made up skits, and did team building activities together. It was great to get to build relationships more with some of the kids and to get away from property. It rained a lot during our time there...and several of us came back with poison ivy! And I am pretty allergic to it!!!! I am on meds for it now, so hopefully it will go away soon. Having poison ivy just reminded me of the broken relationship we have with creation because of the fall...yes that is how I think. :) But it makes me excited for God's restoration of all things!
Last weekend I flew home to be in a good friend's wedding. It was such a nice trip and fun to get to celebrate marriage with her and stand beside her at the ceremony. I am excited for how God is going to work in their lives and through their marriage for His glory! Its a fun time to celebrate the incredible love of Christ and His covenant with us. And it seems like so many people are getting married or engaged lately...I feel like I am out of the loop being here though - and not at that place yet. But at the same time, the Lord has been showing me so much in my relationship with Him, how marriage reflects that, and how He wants to change my heart and realize that the greatest source of intimacy and satisfaction is found in Christ and Christ alone. He is the source of love and affection, and He is deepening my roots in His love so I can stand firm in Him - which I am so excited about!!! I have felt so broken here, and I finally feel like He is really beginning to heal me at such a deep level. Hallelujah! I feel a new freedom, a new joy, a new peace. But it is also just the beginning and I know He has much more work to do, but overall - I am pumped!
I have been listening to the new Tenth Avenue North cd a lot lately. Oh my! One of the most healing things I have ever listened to. Music tends to be the language of my heart - songs lyrics are, too. I think that is why I love the psalms so much. But the lyrics on their album are raw, real, and honest. And I love it! Megan, one of the other Bigs with whom I have developed a good friendship with here, picked me up at the airport last Sunday and played a song for me that had my name written all over it. I wept of course, but absolutely loved the truth and felt so encouraged. I bought the cd for myself, and every song has some truth I need to hear. It is sweet sounds to my soul! :)
Sometimes I feel so exhausted here in every way possible. And I feel like I shut down and turn off in a way. Which I hate. I realized that beneath all of this my heart hurts and I am sad. However, I don't always have the opportunity to feel this hurt and pain and let it out. I try to deal with it in my mind, but sometimes I just need to cry and really feel the hurt. If I don't, I start to feel not much of anything and become hardened. There is so much pain and hurt here. But - I have been spurred to pray harder for Christ to make Himself known and pour out His mercy and healing. He can heal. He wants to heal our hearts and set us free from the things that hold us captive. Isaiah 61 is a perfect display of that. I long so desperately for these girls to truly know Christ and to experience the depths of His love, grace, acceptance and healing. I know our healing won't be complete until Christ comes back, but I hope and pray for God to be glorified here. In the mean time, I am praying and seeking for wisdom and discernment on how the Lord wants me to be involved in that. I know He is faithful and He is enough.
All that to say - life here is never the same with each moment. Last week we had another cutting incident. I don't understand why that happens and its heartbreaking to see. She might not be coming back sadly. I was able to visit her yesterday, and I just wanted to cry with her. I just pray she will know how deeply loved she is.
We also had room changes this past weekend as well. Things are always changing, and I miss home a lot, too. I am coming to rest secure in Christ, the only constant in the chaos. He is our only hope, but He is also alive and can do immeasurable more than we could ever ask or imagine! And I am ready to see Him work. He has strengthened my faith and deepened my desire for Him. I love the Lord oh so much! Because He has such great affection for me, it sometimes overwhelms me and I just weep. Oh how He loves!!! I pray that you would know more of Christ's love for you today!!! I love you all and miss you so much. I would love to hear from you and know how I can be praying. I am so grateful for all of your encouragement, prayers and support. I am so blessed by the way the Lord has loved me through y'all. Grace and peace to you all! :)
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
I am hurting and struggling a lot right now. I am just going to be honest and say I don't think I have ever been so broken as I have been here these past four months. I feel like everyday the Lord strips me down and I realize I have nothing to hide behind, nothing to cling to - I am completely empty with nothing - except for Him. He is still there, somewhere inside, working deeper than I understand, doing something to take the mess I feel that I am and turning it into something beautiful. But I often can't see in the struggle...and I have to really stop and step back, breathe, rest and surrender.
On Sunday, some clouds were darkening and I just wanted to lay down and let the rain fall on me. And so a few hours later it started to rain. I laid out on the back porch of our house and let the cool rain fall down on me. It was refreshing, especially to have the drops fall on my faces. They were like little kisses from heaven, as the Lord dropped each drop, similar to the tears that rolled down my cheeks. It was as if the Lord was going to cry with me, He understands my pain, and His raindrops outnumber my tears by far. The power I could feel in the thunder was a comfort, and the lightning flashing across the sky was beautiful. It was a divine beautiful moment.
After a few minutes, I didn't want to get soaked, so I curled up in the corner of the porch where it is covered and simply watched the rain fall. I felt safe and secure, thinking about how God is our refuge and place to hide even in the midst of the storms of life. After the rain stopped, the sun came out, shining warm and bright. There is hope. There is a coming joy. Healing will come. He is the God of all comfort.
Parent's Weekend went well. One of the guy Littles graduated and it was awesome to see him and to know that the Lord has the power to transform lives. It is only by His power that we can be changed, healed, made new. I think parents were encouraged. It was fun to see Littles with their families. I felt a lot of the emotion of everything. There is still a lot of hurt and pain. Broken people, broken families. I wept several times throughout the weekend. My heart is so tired. But I know God is faithful to His promises, and it is His hope I cling to, and Christ alone that keeps me going. In my moments of weakness, I feel so completely helpless, vulnerable, and exposed. I just think of the words of Christ talking to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness." I pray that the power of Christ is revealed in my weakness. Only by His amazing grace. Grace that I am so desperate for. I just beg God for His grace to fall on me like rain. :)
The past few days I have felt so openly broken. Its hard to hide the tears I so easily shed. One of the other Bigs here told me that is her favorite thing about me. Oh man! I have felt really blessed and encouraged by others here lately. As I have let them see my brokenness, several of the other Bigs have really come around me, to encourage me, just sit with me, pray for me. It has meant so much to me and been such an answer to prayer. Being here can be really challenging for all of us and we can't do it alone. We were created for community - to worship God together, to remind each other of the truth of the gospel everyday, to build each other up and spur one another on. And I have learned more of the importance of that here. Before I always wanted community - now I realize how badly I need it. I need other people to point out where I am wrong, to help me when I struggle, and to point me back to grace and to Christ. I pray I am able to do the same for others. I know I have so much more to learn and more that God wants to do in me, but today I want to rest. I want to be still and praise God for who He is, for His faithfulness, to trust so deeply in my heart that I am loved and accepted by Him because of who Christ is - not because of anything I do or don't do. I want to enjoy God - all that He is. Just to be with Him and laugh and fall more in love with Him. So off I go to a park soon to enjoy this beautiful day that He has made!
Thank you so much for your prayers, love, encouragement and support. I cannot express how much it means to me. May you be blessed today and rest in the amazing love and grace of our Perfect Savior Jesus Christ! :)
On Sunday, some clouds were darkening and I just wanted to lay down and let the rain fall on me. And so a few hours later it started to rain. I laid out on the back porch of our house and let the cool rain fall down on me. It was refreshing, especially to have the drops fall on my faces. They were like little kisses from heaven, as the Lord dropped each drop, similar to the tears that rolled down my cheeks. It was as if the Lord was going to cry with me, He understands my pain, and His raindrops outnumber my tears by far. The power I could feel in the thunder was a comfort, and the lightning flashing across the sky was beautiful. It was a divine beautiful moment.
After a few minutes, I didn't want to get soaked, so I curled up in the corner of the porch where it is covered and simply watched the rain fall. I felt safe and secure, thinking about how God is our refuge and place to hide even in the midst of the storms of life. After the rain stopped, the sun came out, shining warm and bright. There is hope. There is a coming joy. Healing will come. He is the God of all comfort.
Parent's Weekend went well. One of the guy Littles graduated and it was awesome to see him and to know that the Lord has the power to transform lives. It is only by His power that we can be changed, healed, made new. I think parents were encouraged. It was fun to see Littles with their families. I felt a lot of the emotion of everything. There is still a lot of hurt and pain. Broken people, broken families. I wept several times throughout the weekend. My heart is so tired. But I know God is faithful to His promises, and it is His hope I cling to, and Christ alone that keeps me going. In my moments of weakness, I feel so completely helpless, vulnerable, and exposed. I just think of the words of Christ talking to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness." I pray that the power of Christ is revealed in my weakness. Only by His amazing grace. Grace that I am so desperate for. I just beg God for His grace to fall on me like rain. :)
The past few days I have felt so openly broken. Its hard to hide the tears I so easily shed. One of the other Bigs here told me that is her favorite thing about me. Oh man! I have felt really blessed and encouraged by others here lately. As I have let them see my brokenness, several of the other Bigs have really come around me, to encourage me, just sit with me, pray for me. It has meant so much to me and been such an answer to prayer. Being here can be really challenging for all of us and we can't do it alone. We were created for community - to worship God together, to remind each other of the truth of the gospel everyday, to build each other up and spur one another on. And I have learned more of the importance of that here. Before I always wanted community - now I realize how badly I need it. I need other people to point out where I am wrong, to help me when I struggle, and to point me back to grace and to Christ. I pray I am able to do the same for others. I know I have so much more to learn and more that God wants to do in me, but today I want to rest. I want to be still and praise God for who He is, for His faithfulness, to trust so deeply in my heart that I am loved and accepted by Him because of who Christ is - not because of anything I do or don't do. I want to enjoy God - all that He is. Just to be with Him and laugh and fall more in love with Him. So off I go to a park soon to enjoy this beautiful day that He has made!
Thank you so much for your prayers, love, encouragement and support. I cannot express how much it means to me. May you be blessed today and rest in the amazing love and grace of our Perfect Savior Jesus Christ! :)
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