The past couple of weeks have been challenging. I can't count the number of times I have wanted to breakdown or run away, but I am still here and pushing through by the grace of God, which is enough.
So much change creates a lot of chaos, and I feel like I am in the middle of the mess. Since only 3 of us girl Bigs have been here for awhile, I feel like there has been extra responsibility. While people are getting used to working in the kitchen, we have been helping out a lot in there and also help out with everything in the house. One day, I wanted to scream because I felt stretched beyond my limits. After almost 7 hours in the kitchen, I came back into the house to be asked to do 3 different things in the first 2 minutes I was there. I was exhausted and drained in every way possible. Littles were frustrated with other girls, how things were in the house as new Bigs are learning how everything runs, and the house directors come to me for information and to do things, too. I was comfortable just going along with things before, but now I have been forced to really step it up. I think I prayed for this...and its a good thing, just hard. I never thought it would be easy, just actually walking through it makes me more aware of my own humanity, as well as my pride. Yikes! But God is graciously opposing that in me and breaking me down. Hallelujah!
I am growing in my dependence on Christ. I think that probably the greatest thing that could happen - the purpose in all of it. As more of my own selfishness and pride is revealed, I must draw near to Christ and ask that He change me and work in ways that only He can. Right now I feel so distracted by everything I have to do, that I think I miss Christ in it all. I want to be able to sit and engage in rich conversation with other Bigs & Littles. Lately, I feel like I have been running around like crazy doing things, making sure people have what they need. I have been blessed to really connect with other people at moments, but I wish I could do that more. Now that we get 2 whole days off instead of just 12 hours (hallelujah!), I think I will try to take a Little out each week for some one-on-one time. I did that last week and I loved it! Precious time without feeling pressure to be somewhere or do something.
I want to slow down...but its hard to walk into a house with 25 Littles who all want you to take them somewhere or get something for them or to simply love on them. I want to hold each of them, help them see who Christ is, that only He can satisfy those intense longings in their soul and that the other things they are chasing after is going to leave them more thirsty and empty. I don't know the best way to show them the gospel, but I am seeking what this looks like. I know I fail everyday at loving the people around me, at staying focused on Christ and resting in His grace. In the past, I would probably beat myself up for not living up to the standard I have set - but praise God that I feel more free to be okay with where I am, struggling, searching. Not knowing all the answers. Its not about the standard I set anyways. I still experience heartache and disappointment and frustration, which at times is overwhelming, but I have security and peace in Christ and can be okay not being okay knowing that Christ holds me together - if that makes any sense.
The Lord is faithful, even when I am not. He will complete the work He began in me, in other Bigs and Littles, in all of us. His purposes cannot be thwarted, so I am free to love, to risk, to hurt, to cry, to fail. I long for more. And I will as long as I live on this earth. I have a desire in me that nothing in this earth can satisfy. That is a scary realization, but its true of all of us, and as I begin to face this deep thirst, I can run to the One who satisfies. Christ is all I need. I won't be fully satisfied, not in the way I long to, until He returns to take us home. And so there is this ache in my heart, this longing for something, somewhere. I know it is for my sweet Savior, and I wait in eager expectation for the day I see His face. Until then, I know there is work to be done, people to love, and trials to teach me how to love the way Christ has called me to.
I want to love deeply. To love well. To love freely, passionately, powerfully. To give life, to reflect Christ, to offer Him in the midst of my own brokenness, weakness and failure. His love never fails, and He is what we are all so desperate for. Lord, teach me how to love - You and others. This is my prayer and heart's desire.
I miss you all and love you very much. I would love to hear how you are doing if you would like to share. Feel free to call me or email or whatever! May you know Christ more each day. Love, love and more love! :)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
we are family - get up everybody & sing
Hello everyone! Hope you are doing well!
Right now is a time of transition for so many people. School is starting. Many of my friends are starting new semesters of school or new jobs in schools. Now is a big time of change and transition and new beginnings. Along with that comes excitement, sadness and uncertainty. But I praise God and our Lord Jesus Christ who is the same yesterday and today and forever! (Hebrews 13:8)
Lots of transition is going on around here, too! We found out early last week that the Branson property was closing and their Bigs and Littles were moving here. New Bigs from both Branson and here arrived last Wednesday and have been involved in training since then. The Bigs who have been here since last August will be leaving this coming Sunday and the new Bigs will begin their year. There have also been several changes in our program as Bigs, and there will be many more people on property. We will almost have a full house with 13 Bigs and about 21 Littles! Crazy!
I have been involved in some training with the new Bigs, which has been good. I am so excited to get to know a new group of people and have been so blessed by them so far. It will be weird and sad to say good-bye to the rest of the old Bigs this weekend - women with whom I have lived for the past 8 months. They have taught me so much and their presence will be missed greatly. However, I am looking forward to the new community that the Lord has already created with us as a new group and how He will work these next 4 months.
Last night, we went over to the director's house for dinner. Afterwards, we all sat around and shared our testimonies with one another for almost 5 hours. It was incredible to sit in a room with 20 of my brothers and sisters and listen to how the Lord has brought us each into a relationship with Him in unique and personal ways. It was this beautiful picture of Christ, the many ways He works in our lives, through struggle, sin, pain, loss, anger, deception and gives us grace, forgiveness, love, hope, life, comfort and freedom! People were willing to be vulnerable and honest in ways that they had failed and struggled, doubted God or denied Him at times, all brought together to this place ready to see what His is going to do in us and through us. I felt so blessed to be there with them all, to feel united in a single purpose, each with different gifts and personalities that I know He will use for His purposes. I know the next four months will be tough at times, we will come into conflict with one another, but I know there will be fun times, sweet fellowship and a beauty as we are broken together. I am so excited and grateful! I have already enjoyed the time I have been able to spend with them and look forward to what we will get to experience together in the months ahead! This has been such a strong desire of my heart and I can only praise the Lord for His faithfulness of the community here!
With all the transition comes a wide variety of emotions and fears. There is still a lot of details to be worked out and inconsistencies to be worked through. Through the merging of two different groups of people, I am interested to see what the interactions between Littles and Bigs as we all join at one location will look like. Pray that we would remain focused on Him as He provides all we need through this time of transition, that we would all be transformed to look more like Him in the process!
I miss you all very much and am so blessed by your willingness to follow me in this journey. May you be blessed wherever the Lord has you and know Him more intimately today! Much love always! :)
Right now is a time of transition for so many people. School is starting. Many of my friends are starting new semesters of school or new jobs in schools. Now is a big time of change and transition and new beginnings. Along with that comes excitement, sadness and uncertainty. But I praise God and our Lord Jesus Christ who is the same yesterday and today and forever! (Hebrews 13:8)
Lots of transition is going on around here, too! We found out early last week that the Branson property was closing and their Bigs and Littles were moving here. New Bigs from both Branson and here arrived last Wednesday and have been involved in training since then. The Bigs who have been here since last August will be leaving this coming Sunday and the new Bigs will begin their year. There have also been several changes in our program as Bigs, and there will be many more people on property. We will almost have a full house with 13 Bigs and about 21 Littles! Crazy!
I have been involved in some training with the new Bigs, which has been good. I am so excited to get to know a new group of people and have been so blessed by them so far. It will be weird and sad to say good-bye to the rest of the old Bigs this weekend - women with whom I have lived for the past 8 months. They have taught me so much and their presence will be missed greatly. However, I am looking forward to the new community that the Lord has already created with us as a new group and how He will work these next 4 months.
Last night, we went over to the director's house for dinner. Afterwards, we all sat around and shared our testimonies with one another for almost 5 hours. It was incredible to sit in a room with 20 of my brothers and sisters and listen to how the Lord has brought us each into a relationship with Him in unique and personal ways. It was this beautiful picture of Christ, the many ways He works in our lives, through struggle, sin, pain, loss, anger, deception and gives us grace, forgiveness, love, hope, life, comfort and freedom! People were willing to be vulnerable and honest in ways that they had failed and struggled, doubted God or denied Him at times, all brought together to this place ready to see what His is going to do in us and through us. I felt so blessed to be there with them all, to feel united in a single purpose, each with different gifts and personalities that I know He will use for His purposes. I know the next four months will be tough at times, we will come into conflict with one another, but I know there will be fun times, sweet fellowship and a beauty as we are broken together. I am so excited and grateful! I have already enjoyed the time I have been able to spend with them and look forward to what we will get to experience together in the months ahead! This has been such a strong desire of my heart and I can only praise the Lord for His faithfulness of the community here!
With all the transition comes a wide variety of emotions and fears. There is still a lot of details to be worked out and inconsistencies to be worked through. Through the merging of two different groups of people, I am interested to see what the interactions between Littles and Bigs as we all join at one location will look like. Pray that we would remain focused on Him as He provides all we need through this time of transition, that we would all be transformed to look more like Him in the process!
I miss you all very much and am so blessed by your willingness to follow me in this journey. May you be blessed wherever the Lord has you and know Him more intimately today! Much love always! :)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
You are a shelter for every misfit soul
Hello! I can't believe it is August. I have been here for about 7 1/2 months now. Crazy!
Right now we are in the middle of a BIG transition. Next week new Bigs come in to be trained for the upcoming year. The Bigs who are here now will be leaving at the end of this month and then we will move forward with a new class. This will change the dynamics of the house for sure, which always change anyways as girls come in and out of the Shelterwood program. This week we had 2 new girls come, one came last Friday and one comes early next week. As new girls have come in, the number of Bigs has gone down. We will soon have about 15 Littles for 7 girl Bigs. This makes things a bit more stressful in the house, but the Lord is working in the midst of that.
Through the challenges ahead, we will learn to come together more as Bigs and really support each other. I am excited to see what the Lord is going to do. Change is always tough, but the Lord is always faithful and the only constant in our ever-changing lives. It will be a bittersweet time the next few weeks - meeting new Bigs, saying good-bye to the old ones, walking through the transition with the girls, and readjusting to the new roles and dynamics in the house. Since 2 other Bigs & I will be staying, the new Bigs will look to us to lead and help them learn how everything works. I praise God who is faithful to provide all we need and guide us each step of the way because honestly I have no idea what that is going to look like. :) Sometimes I feel overwhelmed thinking about things, but I am also really excited. If I keep my eyes on Christ and remember that He is my strength, that it is about Him and not me, I can stand firm. Pray that I would keep Christ as my focus and humbly obey where He leads. Pray for the Bigs who are leaving as they transition out of Shelterwood and seek the Lord for what is next. Pray the Christ would make Himself known and move in the hearts of the Littles and Bigs. He is what we all need.
Last week, I met my brother in Memphis and was able to drive down with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew to Florida, where I surprised my parents, aunt & uncle and grandparents! We spent some sweet time together, went to the beach, were blessed to see old friends from Florida, and celebrate my grandparents 60th anniversary! I am so glad I was able to go and blessed to have such a great example of faithful marriage in my family. I enjoyed my time on break, but it was honestly hard, too. When you live in such an intense environment and bubble, its strange sometimes to be away. Right when you get used to being in the 'real world', you have to go back. I actually enjoyed coming back. There are moments when I absolutely love what I do, then moments where I want to leave. There is a moment for everything, just as there are seasons in life. It is just crazy when you feel so many different emotions in one day. Thank You Lord for never leaving me and being with me through all of the chaos! :)
Before I left for break, I was blessed to lead Bible Study for all the girls in our house. I taught about how God is our Lover, the way He pursues us and loves us so deeply. I loved it! What is greater to talk about than that? The girls asked some great questions which was really exciting! Then I shared some of my life story and testimony. I was able to be open and honest about some things I have struggled with and how the Lord faithfully pursued me even when I was seeking other 'lovers' and places to find my identity, security and comfort. Through all that I have walked through, God as a jealous lover, has drawn me to His love and grace and shown me that only He can provide me with the things I so desperately desire. I felt blessed to share my life with them and pray that the Lord will use it to draw their hearts closer to Him as well. It was also really encouraging for me to personally to reflect on what Christ has done in my life and the depth of His love.
This past weekend I wrestled a lot thinking about sin and the gospel. I felt like lately I had failed to love & obey the Lord the way He desires, choosing to do things that don't glorify Him. As I wrestled with feelings of confusion, guilt, frustration and fear, I came to see how I often try to find my security in my faith, my ability to obey instead of Christ and Christ alone. My faith sometimes fails, but Christ remains faithful. I am not righteous, but Christ righteousness has been accredited to me through His sacrifice on the cross. The salvation of my faith is not based on the strength of my faith - but the object of my faith - Christ. It was rough to process and remember the depravity of my own heart, but I thank the Lord for humbling me & drawing me back to the depths of His grace, love & forgiveness. He never gives up on us no matter how many times we seem to wander. What love, compassion, grace. He is so worthy of all our worship, affection, attention, our very lives. There are times when I fail to acknowledge that and sometimes wrestle to believe it, but through all of the struggle, He is Lord. He is Savior. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and all my inmost being. Christ is King.
I pray that you are coming to know Christ more. Thank you for following me through this year of my life. My prayer is for Christ to be known and glorified, that He may become greater and I become less. Be blessed! Much love and grace to you all! Until next time...
Right now we are in the middle of a BIG transition. Next week new Bigs come in to be trained for the upcoming year. The Bigs who are here now will be leaving at the end of this month and then we will move forward with a new class. This will change the dynamics of the house for sure, which always change anyways as girls come in and out of the Shelterwood program. This week we had 2 new girls come, one came last Friday and one comes early next week. As new girls have come in, the number of Bigs has gone down. We will soon have about 15 Littles for 7 girl Bigs. This makes things a bit more stressful in the house, but the Lord is working in the midst of that.
Through the challenges ahead, we will learn to come together more as Bigs and really support each other. I am excited to see what the Lord is going to do. Change is always tough, but the Lord is always faithful and the only constant in our ever-changing lives. It will be a bittersweet time the next few weeks - meeting new Bigs, saying good-bye to the old ones, walking through the transition with the girls, and readjusting to the new roles and dynamics in the house. Since 2 other Bigs & I will be staying, the new Bigs will look to us to lead and help them learn how everything works. I praise God who is faithful to provide all we need and guide us each step of the way because honestly I have no idea what that is going to look like. :) Sometimes I feel overwhelmed thinking about things, but I am also really excited. If I keep my eyes on Christ and remember that He is my strength, that it is about Him and not me, I can stand firm. Pray that I would keep Christ as my focus and humbly obey where He leads. Pray for the Bigs who are leaving as they transition out of Shelterwood and seek the Lord for what is next. Pray the Christ would make Himself known and move in the hearts of the Littles and Bigs. He is what we all need.
Last week, I met my brother in Memphis and was able to drive down with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew to Florida, where I surprised my parents, aunt & uncle and grandparents! We spent some sweet time together, went to the beach, were blessed to see old friends from Florida, and celebrate my grandparents 60th anniversary! I am so glad I was able to go and blessed to have such a great example of faithful marriage in my family. I enjoyed my time on break, but it was honestly hard, too. When you live in such an intense environment and bubble, its strange sometimes to be away. Right when you get used to being in the 'real world', you have to go back. I actually enjoyed coming back. There are moments when I absolutely love what I do, then moments where I want to leave. There is a moment for everything, just as there are seasons in life. It is just crazy when you feel so many different emotions in one day. Thank You Lord for never leaving me and being with me through all of the chaos! :)
Before I left for break, I was blessed to lead Bible Study for all the girls in our house. I taught about how God is our Lover, the way He pursues us and loves us so deeply. I loved it! What is greater to talk about than that? The girls asked some great questions which was really exciting! Then I shared some of my life story and testimony. I was able to be open and honest about some things I have struggled with and how the Lord faithfully pursued me even when I was seeking other 'lovers' and places to find my identity, security and comfort. Through all that I have walked through, God as a jealous lover, has drawn me to His love and grace and shown me that only He can provide me with the things I so desperately desire. I felt blessed to share my life with them and pray that the Lord will use it to draw their hearts closer to Him as well. It was also really encouraging for me to personally to reflect on what Christ has done in my life and the depth of His love.
This past weekend I wrestled a lot thinking about sin and the gospel. I felt like lately I had failed to love & obey the Lord the way He desires, choosing to do things that don't glorify Him. As I wrestled with feelings of confusion, guilt, frustration and fear, I came to see how I often try to find my security in my faith, my ability to obey instead of Christ and Christ alone. My faith sometimes fails, but Christ remains faithful. I am not righteous, but Christ righteousness has been accredited to me through His sacrifice on the cross. The salvation of my faith is not based on the strength of my faith - but the object of my faith - Christ. It was rough to process and remember the depravity of my own heart, but I thank the Lord for humbling me & drawing me back to the depths of His grace, love & forgiveness. He never gives up on us no matter how many times we seem to wander. What love, compassion, grace. He is so worthy of all our worship, affection, attention, our very lives. There are times when I fail to acknowledge that and sometimes wrestle to believe it, but through all of the struggle, He is Lord. He is Savior. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and all my inmost being. Christ is King.
I pray that you are coming to know Christ more. Thank you for following me through this year of my life. My prayer is for Christ to be known and glorified, that He may become greater and I become less. Be blessed! Much love and grace to you all! Until next time...
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
i don't know, and it's okay! :)
Hello everyone! It's been 3 weeks since my last update. I would have updated sooner, but there is so much that happens all the time that I don't get to process. I didn't want to process here - because that would be too much to read! I still have a lot to process, but I can still talk a little bit about the past few weeks.
The house trip was a blast! We went horseback riding, to a water park, hiking, swimming and a day-trip to Branson where we saw the other Doulos/Shelterwood property, walked around the Landing (shopping place where I went to Build-A-Bear :) had dinner together, then went to a Branson show. The show was called Legendz and featured impersonations by Little Richard, Alan Jackson, the Blues Brother, Britney Spears and Elvis. Our girls were like a side-show - screaming, dancing, laughing, and even got kissed on the cheek by Elvis! Haha they were so funny and I think we all had a great time. Being on the other property was exciting to me - just to think that people in a different location are doing the same thing was nice. Overall, the trip was a fun time to hang out, laugh, process some things and have some good conversations.
The next Monday we said good-bye to one of our house directors. She is about to start a new ministry opportunity working with girls coming out of the sex industry. I am so excited for her and looking forward to hearing about what Christ is going to do! We all miss her a lot. I have loved getting to know her heart, I know the Lord has great plans for her and am glad I will still get to hear about it!
The next week was very long because the girl's didn't have school while the boys went on their trip - which meant no alone time for us! It was tiring. We had fun though. We went to a Royals (baseball) game one night, watched movies, went climbing at a rock gym, hung out and slept in a little bit. Saturday we had to say good-bye to one of the Bigs because she decided it was best to go home with back treatments and so much stress that is experienced on a daily basis here. She was one of the Bigs I was closer to and I miss her, but I know we will keep in touch! There has been so much change here with people coming and going, and that is going to continue for the next month.
A Little graduated yesterday! She is awesome and I was blessed to get to know her a little bit, though I wish I had gotten to know her more. I am excited for her to go home and how the Lord will continue to work in her life. Graduations are always exciting and encouraging to reflect on what the Lord does and how He is faithful to heal brokenness is these girls and their families. It inspires me to invest more, go deeper, and continue to seek the Lord.
Yesterday, we also were told another Big was leaving. She was the Big I was closest to here, and it was all a shock. I still don't know what to think about it all, but I know that regardless the Lord is faithful to work for good in all things. I have already enjoyed hearing and seeing how the Lord is using it in all of our lives. It is definitely not easy by any means. However, I got to see her today though and we talked for over 3 hours. I love her very very much and have been so blessed by her friendship. She doesn't live too far away so I will get to see her still. Hallelujah!
Another Big took a week off before coming back as a wing director - kind of like an assistant house director. We will have another wing director coming in August or September who was a Big last year. A lot of changes are about to happen in the next month as the Bigs who have been her since last August will be leaving and new Bigs will come. Lots of change and transition - and lots of chaos and emotion go with that. Praise God who holds everything together! I am sad and excited about everything. I will miss the Bigs here now, but I am excited for the newness of things and opportunity to make changes as well. I know the change will mean I will need to step up and be a leader. I feel like the Lord has been calling me to that all year - which I have honestly been pretty resistant to - but now I won't really have a choice much. If you don't choose to get out of the boat - Jesus will push you out! Haha not really - but His plans can't be thwarted! So in a way this is true. But I am glad for that. He will provide the strength and wisdom I need. Courage. I should post Joshua 1:9 on my wall. :) "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
I was reading Psalm 18 earlier today and got stuck on verse one. "I love you, O Lord, my strength." I realized that the Lord does not just give us strength, but He is my strength. Wow - the depth of that truth. Jesus lives in me. That is so crazy for me to comprehend. I just think - "God, are You serious? You live in me?" I want to live in that truth. The Lord will not just provide me with strength, grace, love, power and wisdom, but He is strength, grace, love power and wisdom. And He lives in me. Therefore, all those things are already in me. It is simply a matter of letting them come out - to shine the light of Christ within me instead of hiding it, which I do sometimes. Lord, give me the boldness to shine brightly for You. Amen.
So I continue on this journey...in the midst of the chaos and confusion and brokenness and joy and healing - the Lord is faithful. There is so much I don't know, and the more I know the less I understand, but I can find all I need in Christ and I can rest in the arms of the One who holds everything together. When it seems like everything is falling apart, all we can do is cry out to the One who holds it all and has the ability to put everything together - and more beautifully than it was before. So sweet it is to trust in Jesus.
Thank you for your continued encouragement, love & prayers. Each of you are a gift of God's grace in my life, and I thank Him for you. Much love always! I know I am busy, but I am always longing to know how you are are and to hear how Christ is transforming Your life. To Him alone be the glory because He alone is worthy. :)
The house trip was a blast! We went horseback riding, to a water park, hiking, swimming and a day-trip to Branson where we saw the other Doulos/Shelterwood property, walked around the Landing (shopping place where I went to Build-A-Bear :) had dinner together, then went to a Branson show. The show was called Legendz and featured impersonations by Little Richard, Alan Jackson, the Blues Brother, Britney Spears and Elvis. Our girls were like a side-show - screaming, dancing, laughing, and even got kissed on the cheek by Elvis! Haha they were so funny and I think we all had a great time. Being on the other property was exciting to me - just to think that people in a different location are doing the same thing was nice. Overall, the trip was a fun time to hang out, laugh, process some things and have some good conversations.
The next Monday we said good-bye to one of our house directors. She is about to start a new ministry opportunity working with girls coming out of the sex industry. I am so excited for her and looking forward to hearing about what Christ is going to do! We all miss her a lot. I have loved getting to know her heart, I know the Lord has great plans for her and am glad I will still get to hear about it!
The next week was very long because the girl's didn't have school while the boys went on their trip - which meant no alone time for us! It was tiring. We had fun though. We went to a Royals (baseball) game one night, watched movies, went climbing at a rock gym, hung out and slept in a little bit. Saturday we had to say good-bye to one of the Bigs because she decided it was best to go home with back treatments and so much stress that is experienced on a daily basis here. She was one of the Bigs I was closer to and I miss her, but I know we will keep in touch! There has been so much change here with people coming and going, and that is going to continue for the next month.
A Little graduated yesterday! She is awesome and I was blessed to get to know her a little bit, though I wish I had gotten to know her more. I am excited for her to go home and how the Lord will continue to work in her life. Graduations are always exciting and encouraging to reflect on what the Lord does and how He is faithful to heal brokenness is these girls and their families. It inspires me to invest more, go deeper, and continue to seek the Lord.
Yesterday, we also were told another Big was leaving. She was the Big I was closest to here, and it was all a shock. I still don't know what to think about it all, but I know that regardless the Lord is faithful to work for good in all things. I have already enjoyed hearing and seeing how the Lord is using it in all of our lives. It is definitely not easy by any means. However, I got to see her today though and we talked for over 3 hours. I love her very very much and have been so blessed by her friendship. She doesn't live too far away so I will get to see her still. Hallelujah!
Another Big took a week off before coming back as a wing director - kind of like an assistant house director. We will have another wing director coming in August or September who was a Big last year. A lot of changes are about to happen in the next month as the Bigs who have been her since last August will be leaving and new Bigs will come. Lots of change and transition - and lots of chaos and emotion go with that. Praise God who holds everything together! I am sad and excited about everything. I will miss the Bigs here now, but I am excited for the newness of things and opportunity to make changes as well. I know the change will mean I will need to step up and be a leader. I feel like the Lord has been calling me to that all year - which I have honestly been pretty resistant to - but now I won't really have a choice much. If you don't choose to get out of the boat - Jesus will push you out! Haha not really - but His plans can't be thwarted! So in a way this is true. But I am glad for that. He will provide the strength and wisdom I need. Courage. I should post Joshua 1:9 on my wall. :) "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
I was reading Psalm 18 earlier today and got stuck on verse one. "I love you, O Lord, my strength." I realized that the Lord does not just give us strength, but He is my strength. Wow - the depth of that truth. Jesus lives in me. That is so crazy for me to comprehend. I just think - "God, are You serious? You live in me?" I want to live in that truth. The Lord will not just provide me with strength, grace, love, power and wisdom, but He is strength, grace, love power and wisdom. And He lives in me. Therefore, all those things are already in me. It is simply a matter of letting them come out - to shine the light of Christ within me instead of hiding it, which I do sometimes. Lord, give me the boldness to shine brightly for You. Amen.
So I continue on this journey...in the midst of the chaos and confusion and brokenness and joy and healing - the Lord is faithful. There is so much I don't know, and the more I know the less I understand, but I can find all I need in Christ and I can rest in the arms of the One who holds everything together. When it seems like everything is falling apart, all we can do is cry out to the One who holds it all and has the ability to put everything together - and more beautifully than it was before. So sweet it is to trust in Jesus.
Thank you for your continued encouragement, love & prayers. Each of you are a gift of God's grace in my life, and I thank Him for you. Much love always! I know I am busy, but I am always longing to know how you are are and to hear how Christ is transforming Your life. To Him alone be the glory because He alone is worthy. :)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
His are the hands i've grown to trust
Trust. Faith. Believe. How I want to trust God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. To believe all that He says about who He is, who I am and what He can and is doing. I am learning to trust.
The Lord is giving me plenty of opportunities to do that here. There are opportunities everyday where I feel challenged and am humbled. And everything changes, which isn't always easy for me. We had a new girl come last week, and then we had one today, one tomorrow and one Friday. That is a lot of new girls who must be attached to a Big at all times. We are also leaving on Monday to go on a house trip to Arkansas to camp for a week. I am excited! We actually can stay in a house and aren't legit camping, but we get to go hiking, swimming, horseback riding and fun stuff like that! Oh camp fire and s'mores! Maybe I will bring a jar and we can catch fireflies, too! Yay for summertime!
I sent out a bunch of update letters the past few weeks. I have been so encouraged by so many people who have sent me texts or messages and shared some truth and just blessed me. Thank you so much! I am constantly encouraged by so many people who tell me they are praying for me or who take time to talk with me or ask how they can pray. You have no idea how much that means to me and renews my heart when I often feel discouraged or worn down. I am reminded that I am not alone and I praise God for it all. It is almost overwhelming at times to think of how many people are praying for me and supporting me. Thank you for joining me on this journey and allowing me to share with you. I am also so blessed by the friendships I have and people who are willing to share their lives with me. Oh heaven - how sweet it will be to all live together with Christ! But for now - I am so ridiculously blessed!
My heart breaks sometimes for the community we have here. I long for so much more for us, more connectedness, unity and love. I struggle sometimes to know if this is from the Lord or if I am missing what God is doing now. I think its a mix of both. I really want to see things from God's perspective - situations, Bigs, Littles, myself. To live out of that is to live in the truest reality. It is hard sometimes to do. It is easy to get caught up in the schedule of things, in the responsibilities. Do this, be here, always being with the Littles. I feel like I lose perspective because I am with people all the time and love the moments I am alone to step back and regain perspective. I want to be able to stay focused on Christ in the busyness of each day, but its challenging. He is faithful!
I also have become more aware of how I allow fear to hold me back from offering my heart to people. Sometimes I like being vulnerable, but sometimes I hate it. It hard to offer myself knowing that it could be rejected. But as I learn to stand firm in who I am in Christ and know my worth and value come from Him alone, He empowers me to love without needing anything in return. He can be my only motivation to truly love, or else I am seeking others for my worth. But the Lord is so patient with me as I learn how to trust Him and stand firm on what is true, to really believe what He says. Oh what a mess we all are...but there's a beauty to it. I am so glad that Christ holds everything together and works for good in all things and makes things beautiful. He invites us to be a part of it, but He does the work in His own mysterious and amazing ways. He is worthy, so worthy.
That is all I really have for now. I pray that your are growing in your faith and trusting Christ. He is so faithful and will give us all we need. Know that you are dearly loved! :)
The Lord is giving me plenty of opportunities to do that here. There are opportunities everyday where I feel challenged and am humbled. And everything changes, which isn't always easy for me. We had a new girl come last week, and then we had one today, one tomorrow and one Friday. That is a lot of new girls who must be attached to a Big at all times. We are also leaving on Monday to go on a house trip to Arkansas to camp for a week. I am excited! We actually can stay in a house and aren't legit camping, but we get to go hiking, swimming, horseback riding and fun stuff like that! Oh camp fire and s'mores! Maybe I will bring a jar and we can catch fireflies, too! Yay for summertime!
I sent out a bunch of update letters the past few weeks. I have been so encouraged by so many people who have sent me texts or messages and shared some truth and just blessed me. Thank you so much! I am constantly encouraged by so many people who tell me they are praying for me or who take time to talk with me or ask how they can pray. You have no idea how much that means to me and renews my heart when I often feel discouraged or worn down. I am reminded that I am not alone and I praise God for it all. It is almost overwhelming at times to think of how many people are praying for me and supporting me. Thank you for joining me on this journey and allowing me to share with you. I am also so blessed by the friendships I have and people who are willing to share their lives with me. Oh heaven - how sweet it will be to all live together with Christ! But for now - I am so ridiculously blessed!
My heart breaks sometimes for the community we have here. I long for so much more for us, more connectedness, unity and love. I struggle sometimes to know if this is from the Lord or if I am missing what God is doing now. I think its a mix of both. I really want to see things from God's perspective - situations, Bigs, Littles, myself. To live out of that is to live in the truest reality. It is hard sometimes to do. It is easy to get caught up in the schedule of things, in the responsibilities. Do this, be here, always being with the Littles. I feel like I lose perspective because I am with people all the time and love the moments I am alone to step back and regain perspective. I want to be able to stay focused on Christ in the busyness of each day, but its challenging. He is faithful!
I also have become more aware of how I allow fear to hold me back from offering my heart to people. Sometimes I like being vulnerable, but sometimes I hate it. It hard to offer myself knowing that it could be rejected. But as I learn to stand firm in who I am in Christ and know my worth and value come from Him alone, He empowers me to love without needing anything in return. He can be my only motivation to truly love, or else I am seeking others for my worth. But the Lord is so patient with me as I learn how to trust Him and stand firm on what is true, to really believe what He says. Oh what a mess we all are...but there's a beauty to it. I am so glad that Christ holds everything together and works for good in all things and makes things beautiful. He invites us to be a part of it, but He does the work in His own mysterious and amazing ways. He is worthy, so worthy.
That is all I really have for now. I pray that your are growing in your faith and trusting Christ. He is so faithful and will give us all we need. Know that you are dearly loved! :)
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